fireworks

so, our UPS guy, who happens to be from michigan, asked me if we're watching the fireworks from our balcony tonight (thursday, 4/02).  our balcony?  no, its thursday, why would they have them tonight and why would they be from our balcony?  city tradition, apparently, in the location across the creek, full view.  sweet!  so, your dad and i sit out on the balcony like we're living in the country or the hood and people watch.  everyone has their family in tote, lawn chairs, coolers, sparklers flying around...  i start thinking about what takes to tote a family.  and its a lot.  am i that organized?  will i be able to juggle all of the things that i see parents juggle?  time will tell.  the area across the way, quickly, becomes full of cars.  its such a nice little spot we have directly in front of the creek.  i love that creek.  there is a step that breaks the flow directly in front of our place and its gorgeous.  when we first moved here, your dad and i bought aqua socks and would creek walk ALL THE TIME.  a fantastic memory and thing to do.  then, BOOM.  the rain and thunder kick in and are relentless.  lightning is filling the sky with glorious blue bolts and families are running, not walking, back to their vehicles.  guess no fireworks tonight!  we sit and watch for a bit as the chaos ensues.  i start to worry about people getting struck, but then things get worse, so we decide to go in.  no fireworks tonight...  but, in typical colorado-style, the rain soon lets up.  9:15p rolls around and BOOM!  we either just got bombed or its on with the show! 

 

 you can see the rain on our balcony railing

  

this looks like a butterfly or bug of some sort

 alien craft 

 snow cones

 

not very pretty, but very loud.  and the top of your fathers shiny head.

in your moms typical fashion, i worried about the environment and the birds and if you were scared in my tummy.  the cats ran and didnt come out for a bit.  leilani was even scared the next day...  walking slowly to the door and looking around...  she's a sweet bear and little more sensitive than i thought.  she certainly doesnt care about the vacuum cleaner!  i just babied her a bit through the weekend and she was fine.  

we all know i have mixed feelings about the military and how this country came to be through lots of bloodshed, war, and lies.  but, cheers to the people that knew no different and considered themselves fighting for a worthy cause, even if it meant killing and murder to obtain, what we call, freedom.  are we truly free?  of course not, but that's for another day.

31 weeks

Golden Shower

so...  i peed on my cat.

oakley.  the black and white guy who is 15 and getting really senile and skinny?  yep.  i peed on him.  see, i have this fetish...  JUST KIDDING.  but, i did pee on him.  by accident.  i never planned to tell a single soul in this world, but i couldnt stop laughing when it happened and just dont care about embarrassing things any longer (the joys of growing up).  i'm pregnant, as we know, and my uterus is slightly tilted.

so, i wake up at 3am, per usual, to use the restroom (every two hours, folks, every.  two.  hours.), and oakley follows me in (always - bathroom cat party!!!), i pat him on the head, in my tired stupor, thinking about why i was just dreaming up a storm (was it the bowl of raisin nut bran that i ate?  maybe the half pint of coconut, walnut, carmel swirl ice cream? - I'M PREGNANT, OKAY?!?), have a seat while staring back at my cat, wondering why they like to hang out in the bathroom with you so much....  when he, suddenly, JUMPS-UP in the air and runs to the other corner of bathroom while sniffing his side...  what just happened?  i look down and realize there are pee sprinkles on the seat.

i peed on him.

i, straight up, peed on my cat just now.

i realized that i had been so tired that, i didnt sit forward like i normally do since my uterus is tilted a bit, and it shot straight out, the wrong way, out onto my cat.  ug (or ugh, as proper grammar would say).  instant giggles.  my cat is still wondering what the hell just happened to himself, as he looks around everywhere...  he's senile...  and i clean up the mess i just made while sleep walking.  i wipe off his side with a washcloth and fall back in bed, wondering what other crazy things will happen to me while pregnant.

"give me some of that pee pee, give me some of that poo poo..." - dave chappelle show.

one of those viral thingamajiggies

i came across this in an email draft from who knows when...  someone wrote it.  not me.  its funny what people put together and then it "goes viral" around the web.  people will "share" practically anything that speaks to them...  

so, i decided to:

- keep the original in black

- write in my own updates in green.  

1. Play a sport
It will teach you how to win honorably,
lose gracefully, 
respect authority (if they're respectful - its a give and take, NOT automatic),
work with others, 
manage your time,
and stay out of trouble.
And maybe even throw or catch.

2. You will set the tone
for the sexual relationship,
so don't take something away from her
that you can't give back.
(um...  lets just skip this one until youre mature and fall in love)

3. Use careful aim when you pee.
Somebody's got to clean that up, you know.
(true!  and YOU clean it up should you get wily.)

4. Save money when you're young
because you're going to need it someday.
(i'll be starting a fund for you immediately.  you will NOT go without in this life.  its a mission of mine.  and when you start working, i'll teach you how to save.)

5. Allow me to introduce you
to the dishwasher, oven,
washing machine, iron,
vacuum, mop, and broom.
Now, please, go use them.
(responsibility for you and will gain the respect of your partner, later in life.  it takes a lot to run a household.  you must pull your weight, out of respect.)

6. Pray and be a spiritual leader.
(well, spiritual leader?  i guess maybe in your own world, for sure...  unless the path that you choose for a lifes mission is to help others.  this is going to be a VERY difficult topic for me with you.  i'm agnostic and have a lot of feelings about the dogma of church.  i want you to be open and not confined to one thing or the other.  there are a myriad of teachings, in our world, and its a shame to follow one script of life because thats what everyone is brainwashed into due to surrounding environment.  pray?  yes.  worship?  no.  the truth for all humans, not matter WHAT they try to sell you is, that, NO ONE knows if God exists.  period.  people "feel" him, pray to him, speak in tongues, feel the holy spirit, etc., but we're humans and there have been medical studies for all of these "feelings"...  if its true, do we all have the spirit within us?  very possibly.  but, the fact is, we dont know.  our brains are absolutely incredible pieces of matter and take us to many places.  all of that being said, i DO believe that there are some elements of religion that may be very valid.  parts of the structure can be very helpful in a leading a good life.  and some people even believe that its alien based.  we're very young on the planet, so that wouldnt surprise me.  the universe is huge and there is a lot that doesnt meet the eye.  this is of the most complicated of topics and i warn you now to BEWARE of christians and their opinions.  they, hands down, think they're right and can be extremely closed minded to any other idea and love to tell you how you'll go to hell and be shamed and yada yada.  scare tactics keep people in line...  and its disgusting to me.  its like the mafia or something.  our home will believe in MANY of the values of christianity, but, also, open-minded to the many values of every other religion of the world.  or non-religion.  you dont have to have religion to be a phenomenal person.  just a set structure of healthy standards and light in your life.  like i said...  big topic.  one of lifes most important.  but, just be good, do good, and it will usually be all good.)

7. Don't ever be a bully
and don't ever start a fight,
but, if some idiot clocks you,
please, defend yourself.
(this is a no-brainer, in our family.  you'll know martial arts at a young age.  that means that you'll understand how and when to fight.  you're dad and i are insanely skilled, strong, and intelligent people.  this isnt even an issue.  i didnt know my own strength until i met your father and it built my confidence.  it does so much more than just knowing HOW to fight.  so much.  it matures you in ways you wouldnt have known, otherwise.  if i'd been given a few more pointers on how to protect myself from bullies and aggressive people, at an early age, i'd have felt SO much safer and have some confidence that would have helped me in various situations.  i thank your dad for that element of growth.  i was a happy, but very timid little girl who had so much more to learn.  but, it was inside me.  im glad it was found.)

8. Your knowledge and education is something
that nobody can take away from you.
(so... this is funny to me.  the person that wrote it has bad grammar on the education part.  haha.  knowledge AND education are two things, thus, "ARE something," not "IS," which is singular.  hehe.  anyway, education is more than what you'll find in books.  if you arent educated, then pay attention to those who are and you'll learn.  just because you have a 5th grade education at the age of 40 doesnt mean you have to remain uneducated.  we live in the age of information via computers.  read, listen, research, learn.  if you cant figure things out, at this point in life, you're not trying.  resources are EVERYWHERE.  you have intelligent parents that will guide you, but really, you'll have no excuse other than being lazy.  you WILL know how to use they're, there, their, your, and you're.  dont worry.  i wont let you look a fool.  grammar is important for clear communication, will land you a better job, and not embarrass you.)

9. Treat women kindly.
Forever is a long time to live alone
and it's even longer to live with somebody
who hates your guts.
[treat everyone kindly.  not just women.  and who cares if you live alone.  are you happy?  that's what matters.  never live or be with someone that doesnt bring out all of best qualities MOST of the time.  we cant have always because that isnt realistic.  we go through things before happiness ensues, sometimes.  look for qualities and ensure they're present.  your dad?  he's compassionate.  loves animals, cares about people more than he'll ever know (even though he claims to hate humanity), and is always a gentleman to me.  he still opens all doors for me.  he's kind.  these things matter.  you'll have good teachers.]

10. Take pride in your appearance.
(be free!  love and express yourself!  even if we send you to a private school with uniforms, when you get home, ROCK YOUR MOHAWK, put on your skater shoes, and be who you feel.  private schools make you wear uniforms so that you concentrate.  thats it.  i'm okay with that.  but, just care about yourself and dont be a mindless, stinky bum.  okay?  okay.)

11. Be strong and tender at the same time.
(protect your favorite sour patch kids from being stolen while sharing them with someone.)

12. A woman can do everything that you can do.
This includes her having a successful career
and you changing diapers at 3 A.M.
Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.
(refer to your mother.)

13. "Yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir"
still go a long way.
(a little militant, but the idea is respect and understanding.)

14. The reason that they're called "private parts"
are because they're "private".
Please, do not scratch them in public.
(just be discreet.  no ball-adjusting while public speaking.)

15. Peer pressure is a scary thing.
Be a good leader and others will follow.
(you'll be a leader.  just lead by example and the rest will fall into place.)

16. Bringing her flowers for no reason
is always a good idea.
(they're talking about your mom! she likes peonies, wildflowers, and really unique flowers.  just a hug will do, too.)

17. It is better to be kind
than to be right.
(pick your battles wisely.)

18. A sense of humor
goes a long way
in the healing process.
(amen.  you'll laugh your tail off in our home.  your dad is hilario and i'm easy giggles.)

19. Please, choose your spouse wisely.
My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me
spending time with you and my grandchildren.
(true.  and i'll be a great mother-in-law.  very hands on, just like my own!  i love her!)

20. Remember to call your mother
because I might be missing you.
♥

i guess it rains down in africa

ryder jameson czanstke

that's what we're calling you.  truth?  i'm not 100% sold on it, but it seems to be all that is swirling in our minds, right now.  no one has overtly positive reactions to it when i tell them, so it makes it interesting.  they just say, "oh, okay, thats nice..."  we dont care, your dad and i.  we'll have a handful of names and may just pick one upon seeing your adorable face.  WHICH I CANT WAIT.  your name will be good for you and your young generation, but these older generations are seeking something "cute" and that they can say, "oooohhh, i loooove it..."  i like that its not like that.  so, maybe i'm more privy to it than i think.

i'm your mother and i'm one interesting muslin mixed bag of treats.  as you can see, i'm very hit and miss with communication.  and i like it that way.  i have never liked being "too" accessible.  the recluse in me.  the loner.  the scorpio.  i have a mind that is constantly processing loads of information, for some reason.  i used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...  your grandmother used to always tell me that i had a "chemical imbalance," which almost offended me since its a pretty forward thing to say to someone, but i knew she was just trying to figure me out.  i know me...  i'm just a thinker, feeler, intuitive soul of the universe that is always trying to grow and shape into who i want to be and not what my environment tries to predict.  i care about important things.  deeply.  i could attribute my overwhelming emotions to hormones, but i'm certain thats not it.  i feel really happy in my pregnancy, overall.  actually, crazy happy and am feeling ultra balanced.  but, i was asked a very inappropriate question, this weekend, by someone that i love, and it hurt me, beyond belief.  sometimes, i feel like no matter how amazing of a person that i am, it can go fully unnoticed.  and i do a lot.  you have a really good person of a mom.  i've grown into very high standards for myself and its no accident.  i work, in my life, to grow, exponentially.  i'm honest, truly try to be THE most compassionate for other people, and am fiercely loyal to the good people in my life.  so, when i'm asked a question that is so far off of my character, it hurts.  i cried.  a lot.  and i'm trying not to cry with you.  i'm trying to maintain the best of spirits and never shed a tear of sadness for YOUR sake.  but, life always has other plans, you'll learn.  she is a roller coaster, my love.  you not only have to deal with your own heart, but others that you love.  and sometimes, they're hearts are on other planets and you have to try to connect to that other planet.  its not always easy.  i have my head in the clouds, at times, thinking that life is grand and that everyone is just with me.  i know that i'm a superstar and just expect it to be realized.  its not the case.  you're always explaining and proving and showing and reassuring.  it can be exhausting, and sometimes, painful.  people will try to make you a victim of your past or hold you in a certain place because of their own feelings.  dont allow it.  as humans, we have to evolve.  you have to keep moving forward.  i can only pray that you have people in your life that trust you and love you for who you are, and we're going to make sure you're beautiful to help mitigate any mistakes that you may lean to make.  life involves many people and relationships, so know that you wont have the luxury of being selfish.  if someone has an issue with you, you have to help them address it.  and be gentle.  be loving.  keep your heart open.  i, also, want you to know that i expect you to make mistakes, but with that, i expect you to learn from each and every one of them.  you will not be a fuck up.  i will never leave your side and let you fall alone.  ever.  i want you to have freedom in learning who you are and what you want.  i will allow you to make mistakes, i will allow you to have the freedom in those mistakes to learn, and i will be an open book to you for anything that you may need.  bottom line, i'm here.  forever.  and under any and all circumstances.  that cannot be said for everyone else.  and it hurts me to say that, but its true.  not everyone will be so giving.  if you take good care of yourself, you can be your own best friend.  people will see that in you and you will make great friends, outside of yourself.  seek those kinds of people.

so, with all of my ups and downs, my hard last week thinking of important birthdays, lame birthdays, deaths, work, in-laws, hail in our weather, family "issues"...  i'm still alive, and you're still kicking.  literally.  =)  you always make me smile. i just think of you and rub my belly.

flit is the butterfly as she flies into the depths of her serene blue ocean.  the mind of an artist and the ambition of turtle, at times.  but, i like turtles.  a lot.

you and i are at 30 weeks.  holy shyte.  time is truly flying.  and i want it to slow down.  i love carrying you with me everywhere i go.  you're the one solid in my life and i love you so much, already.  you dont like it when i lie on my back, so i have to adjust.  you're active from 7p-10p, nearly every night.  sometimes, i just sit and watch you in my belly.  it shifts and moves and turns.  yesterday, you lodged yourself somewhere in my ribs and i could feel whatever limb or head RIGHT on my skin.  it was crazy.  i would poke you, lightly, to move you because it was a tad uncomfortable and i didnt want to move the wrong way and hurt you.  you, eventually, retreated and things softened back up.  you cant irritate me, though.  sometimes, you kick all day, but it just makes me giggle.  i'll be in work meetings and you shift around and i daydream about you and what you're doing and completely miss everything in my meetings.  (thanks!  work sucks, anyway.  i'd rather just live my life raising you and having fun with your father...)

okay, enough of my glorious rant since i havent e-talked to you in weeks.

we have a SUPER busy week, next week.

the weekend starts with the 4th of july, birthing classes start for your dad and me next wk, i'm arting-up my belly (i'm so excited for that!), its your dad and my 8 year anniversary, then, we leave to travel for your baby shower and visit with your gpa W (and ride a jetski!  slowly, of course)!  its your gma's birthday weekend and we're celebrating the arrival of YOU with friends and family.  mostly family since your dad and my friends are so scattered across the nation.  it'll be mostly your gma's friends for her bday, but i invited two childhood homies who are still in the area and a few of your pops friends.  either way, it kicks off a very busy next few months.  your birth is bringing so, so much.

i love you, babyboy, and i'm beyond excited for our life with you.  may it be as blessed as you are to us.

xo

Typical Thursday. (Grumble, Grumble)

24 Wks, AKA: 6 MONTHS!?

what?  i told your dad today, "i dont even remember being pregnant!"

where does the time go?  i have a lot to do...  daycare, getting your registry together, baby shower, MOVING.  ug.  i dont like spelling ug with the h.  its proper, but i dont like it.  im stubborn, sometimes.  our condo in san diego sold, soooo...  and we got more than we paid (yay!), so once we visit with fam, next week, we will probably really get things crackin' in the home-for-you arena.  august and september are going to be a crazy time, to say the least.  you, family, moving, me healing... 

may the Lord be with you.
and, also, with you.