is it the double full moons? mercury renegade.

my little bubba.

as your mom, i cant sugarcoat things too much.  but, i, also, wont be telling you every detail.  not here, not now.  i'm just kind of trying to survive, over these last few weeks.  and thats the truth.  i'm extremely stressed and the universe has decided to not make it any easier for me.  i'm struggling, but i'm holding on for dear life and know, deep in my heart, that we'll make it.  i have to.  for you.  if there is anything about life, its that idle hands are pure evil.  we are energy.  we need to put our lives into motion using that energy.  if we dont keep moving, like stagnant water, we die.  (you're wiggling like crazy right now, by the way.  ;)  i just want you to know that there isnt anything in this world from which i wont protect you and at any cost.  i'm creating you.  and in that, comes great responsibility.  my pregnancy with you has been near perfect.  you didnt make my hormones go wild, you've been sweet and quiet, overall, and wiggle around just the right amount to allow me to sleep and be comfortable.  you're a blessing to me, so far.  the same cant be said for whats been brought onto me in the last weeks.  i'm, genuinely, at a loss and am going to have to pick up the pieces and make my own way.  i thought we were established, i thought we were moving through life at a perfect pace, and i thought universal love would prevail, over all.  i'm too big of a dreamer.  and am weary.  my serenity prayer magnet that my godmother gave me and that i've had for years and years got broken last night.  perhaps, its a sign.  perhaps, i'm not where i belong and i have to accept it.  no matter what happens, my life is all about making life grand for you, now.  not living in undeserved dysfunction, like we are.  i had even more plans, but they're breaking, as we speak.  you have to roll with what life gives you and you have to be a man about it all.  in my case, woman. 

i love you.  and i'm sorry for anything that didnt go according to my loving plan.  life is hard.  all that i've ever wanted in this life is to be happy and use my loving spirit to get there.  but, if it cant happen for me, i will try it for you.  i promise.

if i'm grateful for anything, at this moment, its all of my family, on both your dad and my side, and you.

*loving hugs from mom*

 

Last Non-Fathers Day Fathers Day

 

a very fun brunch in bed for your father.

i highly doubt he will be celebrating fathers day quite in this fashion...  ;)

it will be much more special, moving forward.  ♥

Life is Better Because Tacos

we went to denvers first annual taco festival.  and they have A LOT of room for improvement.  haha.  who would have thought that an event with tacos would need ANY help.  it was composed of several taco trucks (which is a big thing, right now), midget wrestling, and live music.  marijuana is alive and legal here in CO and there was a "station" in the back that you could just walk into and buy, smoke, and sell all associated items.  there was this guy, totally chillin' in the sun, loving life...  and yes, you read that right...  $1.  it says in small letters that you cant read, "practically free weed."

your adorable father trying to make a "t" for TACOS while holding my food as i picture him.

 

it wasnt an elephant ear, but its the closest i can get to it...  funnel cake dipped in carmel.  

mmmmm.  

its your first funnel cake and WONT be the last.  ;)

teabags. i like them.

Moon Matters

there are TWO full moons this month!  is that why i've felt as though its been one of the craziest months of my life?  who knows.  we've had a lot go on, my sweet little man.  a lot.  more than i'm willing to share and more than which i ever thought i would deal.  i'm desperately trying to live the best life possible and even more desperately trying to give you the world.  even in utero.  if i have a bad feeling, i pray.  if i feel negative energy, i meditate.  if my hormones are full swing and i get emotional, i try to channel it to something good.  but, i cant help other, outside forces.  other peoples feelings, other peoples thoughts and actions.  and people are trying to infiltrate me/us, right now.  i never, in a million years, thought that i would ever have to deal with a certain topic in my life.  but, its here.

the temptations are bountiful, the succubus kittens are out to play, and lion is too kind.

 

i'm going to tell you a lot of things in life, ryder, on how to become a true, resilient man.  but, a few MAIN things are:

be soft-hearted - to EVERYONE.  we're all on a journey of our own.  everyone is on a different path.  i was telling your dad, the other day, that maybe some people are wiser than others because they've lived more lives.  who knows.  dont judge.  just have an open heart and an open mind and treat people with respect.

looks dont matter - we live in the digital age where everyone stares at computers and photos and words with no human interaction.  dont fall victim to garbage that doesnt matter.  filters, editing, airbrush, new hair cut, hair dye, good angles, nice features, words with unknown feelings attached, words that could be misinterpreted, yada, yada, yada.  and then, the compliments fly, feeding our egos.  what matters?  who you are.  your spirit.  your soul.  are you a good person?  do act respectfully?  do you work on your standards more than your wardrobe, fancy new house, and shape of your beard?  you should.  its all about balance.  you CAN have it ALL.  look good AND feel good.  strike the balance while prioritizing the standard.

be loyal - no matter the cost.  never, EVER lie to those you love because it decimates trust, and no matter how honest you are, moving forward, the past will make people question your future integrity.  its a painful process for all parties at hand.  dont do it.  love people enough to show them you care, and love them hard.

BOUNDARIES.  BOUNDARIES.  BOUNDARIES.  i'll have them for you and i want you to create them for yourself.  always protect what you love and honor, deep in your heart.  at all costs.  is someone trying to shake your perfect life?  set boundaries with them.  let them know its not cool and you dont feel comfortable.  sometimes, all that it takes is light redirection to get people to move.  if they dont budge, make your standard known, loud and clear.  dont be a doormat because people will absolutely walk on you if you're "too nice".  too nice can equal people getting hurt.

be cool, not just nice.  its way more important.

i will make you a gentleman, if it kills me.  i have no tolerance for classless people in my circle of life.  its a choice and way of life, not where you came from.  you will treat people with love and respect.  you will not bother anyone in a relationship, you will not be disrespectful outside of your own, and you will honor your personal choices, all the way through, until you decide to terminate them, and not a minute before.  i want you to meet the most evil of temptations with a kind, loving manner and know exactly what to do, without question or compromise.  the reward?  a peaceful soul that YOU get to live with.  its a beautiful thing.


standards.  you will have them.  i've made mistakes, like we all have, but i will do my best to teach you what to do and what not to do.  i can honestly say that i dont feel as though ive made too many mistakes in my life, but the ones i have made, nip at my heels.  i dont want this for you.  it takes blood, sweat, and a lot of tears to reel back from things.  but, its always worth it to work hard to correct them.  and you'll have to.  be a learner, like me.  NEVER make the same mistake twice.  EVER.  for every mistake you may make, triple fold it into being the best you that ever could be.  its what i do, personally.  and if you lose anything or anyone, in the messy process, while it not "okay", its okay...  because as long as you know that you've done your absolute best, given 100%, and truly escaped a better person?  its good.  dont worry about anyone else.  you're all that matters, in the end.  its between you and the universe, at that point.  trust in the process.

always have strong standards.  you may not be rewarded in this life, but you will, eventually.  trust.

love,
mom

MORE FOOD PORN

 wild caught, cajun halibut fish tacos.  

lightly acv'd cabbage

limes

homemade lemon cream sauce

raw goat crumbled cheese 

gmo free corn tortillas 

(all corn is chocked FULL of gmo's...  its hard to find these, but i manage)

store-bought salsa (too lazy to make my own)

mmmmm.  one of my favorite meals, hands down

filters. and a cat.

 

i'm all out of order, here.  i think i was 29 weeks, at this point???  this was about the time i was REALLY starting to grow and "feel" pregnant.  that gray mass under my belly, lower right corner?  thats leilani.  our 3 year old, 20lb kitty.  okay, she's only 18lbs.  close enough.  licking her side, of course.  

PHOTOBOMB.

food pornography, as the kids say

 

a weekend staple in our home.

bagels and wild caught lox with everything bagels, herbed cream cheese, capers, red onions, fresh cracked pepper, and pink salt.

bang bang

fireworks

so, our UPS guy, who happens to be from michigan, asked me if we're watching the fireworks from our balcony tonight (thursday, 4/02).  our balcony?  no, its thursday, why would they have them tonight and why would they be from our balcony?  city tradition, apparently, in the location across the creek, full view.  sweet!  so, your dad and i sit out on the balcony like we're living in the country or the hood and people watch.  everyone has their family in tote, lawn chairs, coolers, sparklers flying around...  i start thinking about what takes to tote a family.  and its a lot.  am i that organized?  will i be able to juggle all of the things that i see parents juggle?  time will tell.  the area across the way, quickly, becomes full of cars.  its such a nice little spot we have directly in front of the creek.  i love that creek.  there is a step that breaks the flow directly in front of our place and its gorgeous.  when we first moved here, your dad and i bought aqua socks and would creek walk ALL THE TIME.  a fantastic memory and thing to do.  then, BOOM.  the rain and thunder kick in and are relentless.  lightning is filling the sky with glorious blue bolts and families are running, not walking, back to their vehicles.  guess no fireworks tonight!  we sit and watch for a bit as the chaos ensues.  i start to worry about people getting struck, but then things get worse, so we decide to go in.  no fireworks tonight...  but, in typical colorado-style, the rain soon lets up.  9:15p rolls around and BOOM!  we either just got bombed or its on with the show! 

 

 you can see the rain on our balcony railing

  

this looks like a butterfly or bug of some sort

 alien craft 

 snow cones

 

not very pretty, but very loud.  and the top of your fathers shiny head.

in your moms typical fashion, i worried about the environment and the birds and if you were scared in my tummy.  the cats ran and didnt come out for a bit.  leilani was even scared the next day...  walking slowly to the door and looking around...  she's a sweet bear and little more sensitive than i thought.  she certainly doesnt care about the vacuum cleaner!  i just babied her a bit through the weekend and she was fine.  

we all know i have mixed feelings about the military and how this country came to be through lots of bloodshed, war, and lies.  but, cheers to the people that knew no different and considered themselves fighting for a worthy cause, even if it meant killing and murder to obtain, what we call, freedom.  are we truly free?  of course not, but that's for another day.

31 weeks

Golden Shower

so...  i peed on my cat.

oakley.  the black and white guy who is 15 and getting really senile and skinny?  yep.  i peed on him.  see, i have this fetish...  JUST KIDDING.  but, i did pee on him.  by accident.  i never planned to tell a single soul in this world, but i couldnt stop laughing when it happened and just dont care about embarrassing things any longer (the joys of growing up).  i'm pregnant, as we know, and my uterus is slightly tilted.

so, i wake up at 3am, per usual, to use the restroom (every two hours, folks, every.  two.  hours.), and oakley follows me in (always - bathroom cat party!!!), i pat him on the head, in my tired stupor, thinking about why i was just dreaming up a storm (was it the bowl of raisin nut bran that i ate?  maybe the half pint of coconut, walnut, carmel swirl ice cream? - I'M PREGNANT, OKAY?!?), have a seat while staring back at my cat, wondering why they like to hang out in the bathroom with you so much....  when he, suddenly, JUMPS-UP in the air and runs to the other corner of bathroom while sniffing his side...  what just happened?  i look down and realize there are pee sprinkles on the seat.

i peed on him.

i, straight up, peed on my cat just now.

i realized that i had been so tired that, i didnt sit forward like i normally do since my uterus is tilted a bit, and it shot straight out, the wrong way, out onto my cat.  ug (or ugh, as proper grammar would say).  instant giggles.  my cat is still wondering what the hell just happened to himself, as he looks around everywhere...  he's senile...  and i clean up the mess i just made while sleep walking.  i wipe off his side with a washcloth and fall back in bed, wondering what other crazy things will happen to me while pregnant.

"give me some of that pee pee, give me some of that poo poo..." - dave chappelle show.