Twelve/XII/12

gosh, there is so much going on that i havent had time to be my creative self...

our baby is the size of a prune, now.  we are 9 wks, 4 days.  i prefer the size of an apricot.  prunes are shrivled and not very cute.  (though, i've been eating them a lot!)  i went for my ultrasound and could absolutely not be any more happy that, not only is everything healthy, but our baby is seriously active!  i was shocked to see the major development and movement!  arms and legs kicking around...  the right arm looked as if he were waving and it burst me into tears.  this is my first pregnancy, so i didnt think to capture anything since i wasnt even certain how the appointment would flow.  next ultrasound, i will video it.

i have been so worried, not having any sickness or nearly ANY pregnancy symptoms, that the pregnancy may be compromised or that it didnt continue properly (miscarriage) - so seeing our progress was moons and stars more than i could ever have wished. 

I'M HAVING A BABY!!!

sometimes, i get so overwhelmed and reality hits!  and i yell that, outloud, to myself.  haha.  oh, what changes and joy.  all that i want is a healthy pregnancy, birth, and happy life.  there is so much going on in the world that, sometimes, i feel sadness to raise a child in such a world...  and not to dampen the mood, but i'm a realistic thinker, not all roses and sugar and "positive thinking"...  but, real and concerning.  thats just how my brain works.  i never used to be able to balance it, in fact, my mother used to think that i had a chemical imbalance, but the older i got, the more i was able to understand my own balance and use tools to continue to think as much as i do, about EVERYTHING, and still feel my deep and genuine happiness with which i was blessed.  i'm an activist, truth-seeker, and skeptic, and refuse to go along with everything that people try to teach me.  you know the term sheeple?  i'm not one.  regardless, the truth is - north korea is shooting rockets at south korea, syria is sending scud missles over lines...  the threat of a world war is very real, and very well may happen in my lifetime, just as it did twice in the lives of others, but, it will be much, much different, this time around.  i have so many concerns about the state of our world.  i know that many people dont see what could be happening (and just dont want to, for that matter) - political takeover, our food supply is being invaded and damaged, the gov't is building bunkers for themselves miles and miles out at sea and under our nation, chemtrails in the sky, war creation (9/11)....  its all so bizarre and i feel that our world is being run by psychopaths.  and i mean that in the text book definition of the term, not a slam or slander.  

    definition: A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse.

i believe these are our politicians, CEO's, and the people seeking to run our nation and world.  so, all of this being thought about in this ever spinning brain of mine and written as food for thought, i know what i need to do.  i am strong enough to keep pressing as hard as i can to harness the truth, in this world, and not give up my life to mongrels in power.  i have been blessed to live in freedom and live a fulfilled life.  i wont take it for granted and i will always shine.  may our souls be blessed, little one.

my promises to you, my beautiful unborn child:

Protection and Shelter:

i will ALWAYS be there for you.

i will never let anyone hurt you.

i will protect you and give you your every necessity.

i will always be available for your every problem.  i want our bond to be open and loving. 

you will always have a place to go.  home.

Medicine:

food.  food is medicine and should be used as such.  it is not a pleasure action, though you can find great pleasure it natures bountiful menu, but rather nourishment for your beautiful temple - mind, body, and soul.  i will feed you the best food available, for as long as i can.  no GMO's, no packaged garbage that industry try to sell us, no copious amounts of sugar, candy and french fries and doughnuts and pizza to damage your cells and give you childhood obesity, diabetes, or autism, and later in life, cancer.  (on special occasions, we'll most certainly splurge, dont worry!  i know how to have fun, but necessity comes first.  ;)

Materials:

i will always clothe you.  and i will always try to ensure your clothes are made by hardworking people in the world and not children, such as yourself.  (Ex:  Walmart is a popular, cheap store, but it supports underage, child workers, and makes enormous profits off of it.  its not in my make-up to have a clear conscious about such business.)

i will never spoil you to the point that it damages your clear judgement.

i will always try to buy you the most valuable materials in the world, those made only by nature.  cottons, woods, metals, etc.  i do my best to avoid plastics, so as a baby, will do my best to minimize them since they are highly toxic to you.  i cant avoid it all, its just not possible, but i will do my best.  and its going to be confusing because all of your friend will have toys coming out of their ears, but most of them are invaluable and serve no real purpose.  we'll play and go outside and paint and listen to music and make food and play games...  dont you worry.  life will be good.  i promise.  your dad and i are fun people.  in fact, we may have been having a little too much fun in life, which is why you were planned so late!  haha.

Love:

the warmth and strength of a parents love is more than i ever could have imagined.  i will love you more than you will ever be loved.  forever and always.  my mothers love carried me so much further in life than i could ever have dreamed, that i've seen the benefits time and time again, in my life.  this gift, that so sadly not everyone gets to experience or share, will be shared with you.  you will be so loved by so many people.  i, simply, cannot wait to meet you and give you the foundation of a stable, loving life, that we all so greatly deserve, but dont always get.  

i want you to flourish.  

~ i love you ~  and this is my very first time saying so.  expect it your whole life!

today is 12/12/12 and i took this picture on my phone, in your honor.  it was taken on 12/12/12 at 12:12pm, Pacific Time.  =)

Native American Code of Ethics

i plan to hand-write this for my child, before its born, to forever keep.  cherokee indian is said to run through my family (and its SUCH an interesting story!) and the native american way of life is one with which i identify the most, on this earth.  i cant explain it.  perhaps, because its truly part of me, in my blood.  being quietly humble and not boastful, respecting the earth, its people, plants, and animals, and being of healthy mind, body, and soul.

* * *

Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often.
The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.
 
Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path.

Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem
from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others
to make your path for you. It is your road, and
yours alone. Others may walk it with you,
but no one can walk it for you.

Treat the guests in your home with much consideration.
Serve them the best food, give them the best
bed and treat them with respect and honor.

Do not take what is not yours whether from
a person, a community,the wilderness or from a
culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.

Respect all things that are placed upon
this earth – whether it be people or plant.

Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words.
Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them.
Allow each person the right to personal expression.

Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative
energy that you put out into the universe
will multiply when it returns to you.

All persons make mistakes.
And all mistakes can be forgiven.

Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind,
body and spirit. Practice optimism.

Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us.
They are part of your worldly family.

Children are the seeds of our future. Plant
love in their hearts and water them with
wisdom and life’s lessons. When they
are grown, give them space to grow.

Avoid hurting the hearts of others.
The poison of your pain will return to you.

Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the
test of one’s will within this universe.

Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual
self, Emotional self, and Physical self – all need
to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out
the body to strengthen the mind. Grow
rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

Make conscious decisions as to who
you will be and how you will react. Be
responsible for your own actions.

Respect the privacy and personal space of
others. Do not touch the personal property of
others – especially sacred and religious
objects. This is forbidden.

Be true to yourself first. You cannot
nurture and help others if you cannot
nurture and help yourself first.

Respect others religious beliefs.
Do not force your belief on others.

Share your good fortune with others.
Participate in charity.

Raspberry to Cherry

8 weeks, 2 days

we've graduated from raspberry status to cherry.  =)  and from embryo to fetus.  the eyes are formed, but the eyelids are fused shut over them, and will be until around 28 weeks.  our baby has small ears, nose, and lips, and the sex organs are formed, but looking much asexual, at this point.  around 12 wks will be when we can determine the sex.  i'm indifferent about the sex...  i'll be happy either way.  the only thing that i've really been overly worried about is that i keep reading that the older you are, the more of a chance of downs syndrome, the pregnancy not "sticking", etc...  i have my first appt this week - blood draws, etc. - then, i go for my first, full appt. next week.  i'm hoping to hear my babies heart beat, which at this point is around 150 beats per minute.  chris says, "like a humming bird!" the baby is starting to move more and its fingerprints are forming.

i've still had no sickness or hard symptoms.  i got nauseous, once, but it, quickly, passed.  i'm a tab bloated, it seems, toward the end of my work day, and i can feel changes happening.  i get shooting pains in my abdomen and light "pulls" from time to time.  my body is manufacturing placenta - our babies life support system, and my bodies metabolism and hormone levels have increased while my blood sugar and blood pressure have lowered.  they say that through all of this, i should be exhausted, but i'm not.  i'm only slightly tired and tend to fall asleep earlier than my usual 1am night owl time.  other than using the restroom frequently, thats about it, through my first trimester.  so far, so good!  i'm scared to gloat for fear of conjuring up any emotions from the symptom gods!  if anything, i'm more emotional about the process itself.  the act of childbirth itself, the safety, and the aftercare.  i've never wanted more than to be able to raise my own child.  and due to monetary constraints, it seems as though someone else will.  day care.  it horrifies me.  other women or men with my child, other children interacting with my child while i'm not there...  ug.  i've realized that i'm much more of a type A personality that i ever knew.  i suppose thats why i was so active at a young age.  president of this, vp of that...  i'm a control junkie.  but, the world we live in is governed by money, and we dont make enough to live off of one income.  i often dream of moving off the grid, building a green home near a lake or water source, having a garden, a shop to build things, and living in pure freedom and enjoying my family and life.  =)  yes, i'm a dreamer.

i'm worried more about all of this stuff than i will be the more pregnant that i become.  i can feel it.  i'm a worry wart about the unknown, but once our baby forms more, i can FEEL that my happiness will increase.  i, often, get overwhelmed with that happiness and fully break down and cry tears of love and joy!!!

names...  i'm contantly thinking.  its hard when you're trying to name for both boys and girls!!!

girls - fallon parker? 
boys - dominic valentino?

chris and i havent been agreeing on anything, yet.  haha.  he keeps yelling out names that everyone already has...  angelina, isabella...  all of the most popular names in the US.  our baby is unique!  and so should be the name.  ;)

we'll be able to wittle it down more once we know our babies sex.  SO EXCITED!!!


xoxoxo

RIP, SC. 5/05/1972-11/06/2012

i attended my co-workers funeral service, this morning.  SC took her own life on my birthday, 11/06/12.  she was a very reserved, proud, african american woman that worked for the pentagon, walked dogs on the side (and i found out, also, today, that she watched them for people, when out of town), was a LVN that cared for disabled children, loved to hike, knew a lot about plants, would recommend books to people, had a friend that flew in from flint, michigan, and lost both of her parents in close proximity of one another, this year.

not very many people, at all, were in attendance of her service.  i was somewhat shocked.  regardless, a woman that i couldnt figure out quite who she was, spoke.  her sister?  not sure.  and the things that she said were so wise and eloquent.  instead of focusing on the tragedy of her suicide, she spoke of love, memories, light, and forgiveness.  i was so happy to hear this because so many people judge the lost souls that take their lives.  i've noticed anger and resentment and casting of them to eternal hell...  for me, my first thought, always, is a thought of pure compassion and pain, in my own heart, of the loneliness someone must feel to leave in such a way.  and with so many questions...  that makes me feel worse than any act of selfishness ever would.  i dont know how the consequences of life work, but i genuinely hope that she finds the peace that she is desperately seeking.

~ * ~

My tears of pain are for you to seek solace in my compassion,

You can always call on me should you ever need a shoulder or a laugh,

The gift of life often leads us astray, but walk through the darkness into another day.

My hand you can hold, in my soul find light, no words to be spoken,

Peace may you find, and heal your heart which has broken.

~*~

In loving memory

Baby Chris

So, all that I know about this picture is that Chris is inside that belly of Jills.  =)  Auntie Susan and, per Julia, Grandpa?  I'm not sure, just yet, on the specifics, but I love that this picture came up while pregnant.  Jill nurturing a fetus, just like me.  ♥

Baby Book #1

so, i typed into google "harvard pediatricians" and this book popped up.  it had good reviews and was written by a pediatric physician in honor of his pregnant daughter and, also, doctor.  flipping through it has been informative, to say the least.  seeing the baby pictures through its stages is startling.  i'm still trying to mentally prepare for all of my body changes.  its a bit scary.  blessings to me for a healthy pregnancy.

5 Weeks, 4 Days

i'm so new at this pregnancy thing that i had my pregnancy weeks wrong!  haha.  i guess they calculate your weeks starting, not from conception, but rather around the time of your last cycle.  it doesnt make much sense to me, but i'm sure the doc will clue me in.

regardless, i'm five weeks and four days, today.

not one symptom of pregnancy..  i'm patiently waiting...  (I'VE HEARD THE HORROR STORIES!)

organogenesis:  the babies organs are starting to form and is a process that will continue for the next four weeks.   i'm abstaining from all toxins, including alcohol, caffeine, mercury laden fish (shrimp, crab, tuna, catfish, cod, clams, scallops), refined sugars/high fructose, non-organic dairy and meats, and artificial sweeteners.  this is all so easy for me since i eat so clean, anyway.  the alcohol is easy (i feel rested and great!), the sugars are easy since i dont eat them anyway, the artificial sweeteners are super easy since they cause cancer - easy!, BUT i miss the coffee and tea!!!  SOOOOO much.  =(  but, its for the best!

also, my body is producing the hormone hCG which causes an increase of blood flow to my pelvic area.  the efficiency of my kidneys has improved, helping my body rid itself of waste products more quickly.  and finally, placenta is growing in my uterus to establish the babies source of nutrients and oxygen and is exerting pressure on my bladder.  what does all this mean?  FREQUENT TRIPS TO THE RESTROOM!  my uterus will rise into my abdominal cavity in my second trimester, sooo... til then!  lots of short walks at work!

the baby is the size of a sweet pea, this week, but starting to bud arms and legs, similar to a gummy bear.  the heart is one of the first things to form and is starting to beat.  also taking shape are jaws, cheeks, a chin, nostrils, and ears, in addition to kidneys, liver, and lungs.

wow.  just when you think you  know it all...


 * * *

six glasses of water down, four to go!

breakfast - me and our baby ate oatmeal with a scoop of protein powder, blueberries, raspberries, two tbs of coconut oil, and a heart-healthy sprinkle of cinnamon.  =)

lunch - quinoa salad with beans and chicken.  i lacked on the veggies, today.  thank goodness for my multi-vitamin.

snacks - an apple and some grapes

dinner - not sure yet...  it should be a big salad with some lean protein.  =)

* * *

Comments

whoops!  i changed the comment settings so that anyone can comment.  it was set to gmail registered people, only.  now, anyone can comment, any time.  =)

First Appointments

i have my first appointments scheduled! 

around the second week of december i may have my first sonogram.  we'll see.  =)

now, just the waiting game while eating well, getting plenty of rest, and drinking lots of water! 


***
breakfast - steel cut oats, chopped apple, blueberries, and raspberries w/ a 1/2tsp of raw honey.
***

...tired...

its already beginning...  i'm more tired than usual.  i could have fallen asleep on my drive home from work, last night and i'm slightly sluggish, overall.  and perhaps its because of the process of so much activity.  talking to all of your friends and family can be downright exhausting.  especially, when your someone like me that is friendly and outgoing.  i've created a lot of kind acquaintances, through facebook and otherwise, that want to know everything.  haha.  but, i'm learning to pick and choose my relationships.  family first, then close friends, and i'll get to everyone else when i can.  =)

i felt so busy all day yesterday, so when i finally hit the couch at 10:30p, i was out, immediately.  those that know me, know that is insanely early for this night owl.

i walked about three miles for fear of lifting my usual weights.  i guess walking will be my usual routine, now.  i have to do some more research.  and i'm just waiting on my doctor to call me.  i chose a woman physician.  i hope that i like her.

tomorrow is friday and i have a three day weekend.  i cant wait to relax with my love.  ♥

Life and Death, and My Birthday

yesterday was extremely difficult, even though it was my birthday.  i went through a myriad of emotions re: my pregnancy, where we are financially, and the death of a co-worker.

i felt as though i should be so much happier and excited to be a mother...  but, its normal, i think, to ensure the baby is born into a stable home.  so, i started to worry that we wouldnt be able to provide.  there couldnt be any more love between us, as a couple, but money and career has always been an underlying issue, as i know it is in most developing families.  its the most frustrating thing in the world to know your worth, know your intelligence, know your education, and then have to settle, like most everyone else, because you cant find that perfect career path.  i know that we all have to sacrifice, in certain times in our lives, but its nothing that you ever just want to easily yield to.  it should be the last option.  and we're at that point.  settling, because its the last option (job-wise).  we're two very savvy, charismatic people that have never had a problem finding a job, but we want more than a job.  we want a career, we want stability, we want to be happy.  that being said, i will never give up on working hard and looking forward.  its just how i've been created - to work hard.  now, its my responsibility to try to help my other half to stay diligent, keep searching, and be comforted in knowing that we always have each other and we'll always be okay, no matter what we go through.  love is a powerful tool.  in my world, its the most powerful tool available.

on my birthday, my nurse and co-worker committed suicide.  it may have hit me the hardest, because while someone took their own life, i am working on creating one.  it breaks my heart to know that someone could be in such a lonely, dark place and leave behind friends and family to wonder what went wrong.  i lost my own father to a tragedy, when young, and those types of deaths are the hardest to process and overcome.  but, i can lie, i've been there when i was younger.  life is difficult.  life can hurt more than it seems that we can handle.  but, again, love has been what kept me afloat.  i could never be so selfish to damage my family.  its not fair to burden others with so much pain when you have love and support, but just refuse to seek it.  its a selfish act, but it also makes me realize the value of life.  i will nurture and care for our child so much that i hope to never have to deal with such a situation.  blessings to my nurses soul and her friends and family left behind.

on these notes, i know that all of these feelings are just part of my adjustment period.  its a bit overwhelming to create a life, birth it, and raise it with all of your ideals and morals.  but, all parents say its the most amazing experience on earth, so i'm glad to welcome it.

* * *

i found out that our baby is the size of a sesame seed:

"During this week, the amniotic fluid starts collecting about the cells that comprise the embryo. It assists in cushioning your child in the course of the entire 9 months of pregnancy.

In the course of this time, your child is expanding remarkably fast. However, it will alter rapidly within the weeks that come. It starts developing its head, spinal chord and also the gastrointestinal tract.

You may even notice that your waistline is expanding, but you should not concern the excess fat acquire that is unavoidable, at this time. In truth, it really is pretty natural and healthy to acquire bodyweight throughout pregnancy, as much of it is because of the growing placenta, amniotic fluid, as well as the fluid collecting inside the tissue and the baby. The bodyweight acquire can also be because of the accumulation with the maternal body fat that assists in supporting the breastfeeding.

The third week of pregnancy is the time when a whole lot of changes are about to happen inside your body. Appreciate these alterations and bear in mind that they assist in supporting you and also the child throughout your pregnancy"

Day One

Today is November 5th.  The day before my birthday.  Last night, after knowing that I was three days past my cycle, I decided to utilize a pregnancy test...  And here were the results:

This begins the journey of Christopher and my beautiful attempt at a functional, intelligent, strong, and joyous family.  I want to share the experience with my friends and family, whom I love more than all the world.


=)  Congratulations to our whole family, and to our new addition?  I am, simply, overwhelmed and I cannot WAIT to create and meet you.

❤