3/07/2013. Happy Birthday, Jill

...continued...

trying to find closure on this has been a hell-on-wheels experience.  and i dont mean my feelings surrounding the event.  i mean getting my little girl back into my possession.  i had no idea that i would be forfeiting my daughter and would ONLY be able to get her back into my possession after her tests, by authorizing a mortuary to pick her up and care for her remains.  FUCK.  YOU.  (sorry mom.)  no one told me such VITAL information.  mortuaries and funeral homes are necessary and EXPENSIVE businesses.  great....  *sigh*  i called everywhere...  but, the first place that i called was a place that our best friend was buried in 2010.  it was the only place that i knew by name, and that one place just so happened to be the one, out of hundreds called, that was reasonably priced.  thank you, michael.  you led us there...  the coordinator had the same thing happen to him and his wife.  they were set to have twins, but one didnt make it.  the other one is 31 years old, this year.  this connection helped us not only afford the process, but we received unimaginable amounts of genuine compassion from him.  joseph lemon.  we're grateful to you, in so many ways.

the lab that tested her didnt call me to let me know that her results here in.  i had to call THEM when i finally got fed up with waiting around, with all of these damned feelings lingering in my soul. 

so, here are the results personally transcribed from the report given to me 2/07/2013:

Anatomic Pathology Addendum Report
Accession #:  02-SP-13-0003096
Pathologist:  Arturo Mendoza, M.D.

Results:  abnormal sex chromosome complement: 45, X

Interpretation:  This analysis showed no diagnostic copy number changes for the 22 autosomes.  However, an array profile consistent with only a single X chromosome was identified.  These results likely represent a 45, X karyotype which is associated with Turner syndrome and is a fairly common finding in spontaneous pregnancy loss.

Chromosome X monosomy [FYI - a form of aneuploidy (abnormal # of chromosomes) with the presence of only one chromosome - instead of the typical two in humans - from a pair.  Partial monosomy occurs when only a portion of the chromosome has one copy, while the rest has two copies] is typically do to a sporadic non-disjuction event.  However, there are rare cases in which a parent has a translocation involving chromosome X, which significantly increases the recurrence risk for monosomy X.  A karyotype of both parents can be performed to evaluate for the responsibility of such a translocation.

lehmans terms?  we need a pair of sex chromosomes (XX for girls, XY for boys).  she is missing a X chromosome and would i have gone full term with her, she would have endured an abnormally short stature, ovarian failure, and possibly have mild learning disabilities.  every cell in her body would only have one chromosome.  the X.  cause?  error in fathers sperm or mothers egg.  in 75-80% of cases, the single X chromosome comes from the mother's egg; the father's sperm that fertilizes the egg is missing its sex chromosome.

a female fetus (normally XX) can survive with only one X chromosome, but a male fetus (normally XY) could not survive with only one Y chromosome. this is because not having an X chromosome is much worse than not having a Y chromosome. the Y chromosome carries very few genes essential for life.  in contrast, the X chromosome is a much longer DNA molecule and contains many, many genes that are needed for cells to function.

i was, initially, reluctant to have her cremated, but upon my buddhist study, it is mandated, which made me feel better.  the cremation symbolizes a sense of detachment in that, the soul of the departed is set free from bondage. buddhists believe that attachment towards the dead is detrimental to the progress of the soul in seeking a new life after death.  buddhists believe in Samsara (cycle of birth and death) until they reach salvation through Nirvana.

our daughter is set for her cremation tomorrow, 3/08/2013.  we signed all of the papers today, which is jills, my husbands late mother, birthday.  she passed in 2010.  our friend, michael, was the first to tell him of the news, and michael passed three months later, and is buried where our daughter is set for cremation tomorrow...  our crazy universe....

happy birthday, jill.

thank you, michael.

and i love you, alexis parker.

may we all be as free as you, one day.

Alexis - Our X Factor

thursday, february 7th. 

~ * ~ .......he was a she....... ~ * ~

X chromosome...  and the only one that she had...

we had planned to name her, if we had a girl, alexis parker.  my Love wasnt sold on the parker, but he picked alexis, so i felt the right.  and i wasnt 100% sold on it, anyway.  just about 80%.  dominic for a boy, alexis for girl.

alexis it was.

a fetus' genitalia does not fully form to be recognizable to the human eye until you're well into your second trimester.  even then, its a gamble and, sometimes, a full surprise upon delivery.  even though, in my hand, i held and studied my tiny, precious, and perfect baby and thought i had determined the sex correctly.  i was incredibly wrong.  and i say incredibly because of more than the obvious reason of my error.  the other reason is that i had been taken down the road of thinking that i was carrying a baby boy from the very beginning.  everyone told me, and i mean EVERYONE, "you dont have any pregnancy symptoms...  its a boy, for sure."  but, i had heard conflicting stories, too.  my mother with me, my best friend with her two girls - no sickness, no violent and traumatic issues.  i was playing the "which do you think it will be?" game with everyone that i told about the pregnancy, just for fun and see what peoples intuitions would be.  i asked multitudes of people - friends, family, random strangers...  "i say, boy," was the, nearly, unanimous guess.  nearly...  except one.  the ace hardware man that was beyond excited about his own, new grandchild being born.  he and his wife even fashioned a FULL nursery for the babies arrival and when his son and daughter-in-law would visit.  a little girl. 

"we're having a granddaughter," he gushed.

his anticipation was the cutest i'd seen and felt so happy for him and his family. 

"take a shot in the dark about what you think i'll have," i asked, wondering if he would play along. 

he stopped, looked at both my husband and me and said, "well, i say a girl.  for no other reason than thats the first thing that comes to mind since thats what we're having."

"you're the very first person to say girl.  everyone else has said boy," i told him.  he smiled and said, "well, either way its exciting.  good luck!"

regardless, i wavered, back and forth, over which i would prefer and i envisioned my husband bonding with a son and being the father that would put all others to shame.  we chatted, back and forth, of the benefits and disadvantages of both.  boys are, at most all times, on full throttle, rambunctious and loud.  they want to skate board and play full contact sports to channel their multitudes of energy and chit chat about their every minds fantasy and play video games and break every single bone in their bodies by the tender age of 16...  *phew*  i'm tired just thinking about it.  i had concluded... and i wanted a girl.  girls are, so often, sweet and gentle when they're small.  i know i was.  i felt like a very quiet and happy child that only wanted to chat with people because i liked them or felt some sort of compassion to them.  i can remember sitting in early classrooms and watching everyone around me chat and wonder how they felt like sharing their every desire with everyone else.  i isolated myself from them.  so, i would just go back to my drawings, writings, and homework.  i, simply, didnt have that "gift" to share every little thing that was on my mind.  i believe modern day calls it the "gift of gab".  but, dont get me wrong - i could talk, but it tended to be if i was talked to first with a relevant subject.  not just about timmy and how cute he was.  i dont blame them for their light conversation, but i grew up faster than the average functional child.  hardships do that, i've realized.  you cant relate to certain things and your mind gets shaped by your own environment.  so, i would find comfort in my mind.  it was my retreat.  i remember sitting in my room and playing by myself for hours and being so content.  i remember hanging out with boys and wondering why they were so loud and having the need to scream everything to me and bang things around.  i remember falling deeply in love with animals with which i grew up, and thinking of them as my very best friends.  especially tiny, gypsy, and sinbad.  two cats and a dog. 

to be continued...

7 Days A Void

one week.  day one.

~ * ♥ * ~

Electrifying shock glanced back one percent, only,

and surigated unmeasurable waves of splash and toil.

Our mountains violined in despairs cloak and sang from atop, so high.

My tiny, fragile breath of life,

beget in love, so sweet.

Its you of whom I dream and protect,

Its you and them of whom we didnt expect.

Created from the earths most valued nourishment,

We forged in determinations mansion and bled-out in the grace of the universe.

Innocent babe, I say to you, I pray no pain felt while passing through,

For this world and this time you were not meant,

Time will heal and back to earth your soul I will rest.

Blessings and miracles and life so sweet,

Close your eyes and feel my peace, for, one day, we shall meet.
All my love ~

~ * ♥ * ~

From My Heart to Yours

1/21/2013. Soul Passage

~ *Dominic David* ~

my precious baby boy,

you left my body, i held you, and then you went somewhere unknown to me.  i am grieving for you and have so many raw, unprocessed feelings that will come out through my poetry, my art, and my soul...  all in your name.  know this: you are beyond loved.  the strongest emotions evoke no words.  one day, we will meet, and i will be able to love you as i wanted and yearned.  until then, be safe, my little angel baby, and may you be in good company, and may that company be my father, david, amongst many others.  you both left me so abruptly and entirely too soon.

and i'm hurt, but i love you both.

no matter what.

love,
your mother

Apples to Apples

we've graduated to an apple.  =)  which is funny to me since i've been eating so many apples and this last week has been my most difficult!  haha.  perhaps you're talking to me.

well, i'm not gaining any weight, in fact, i've lost two pounds, but i know that you're growing because i cant quite fit into my work skirts as well!  i think the 3-4 miles of walking is probably ridding a few extra lbs, but also, your mom is very strong!  i'm used to lifting heavy weights, so i imagine my muscle growth is diminishing.  but, that's okay.  once you're born, i'll only be a few weeks off of my left-off goals.  i have natural muscle growth, by nature, so i'm not worried.  i've always been stronger than the average jane.  you mom was a fast track star in high school.  my strength will help me to tote your sweet little body around.  =)

i hope youre doing alright.  i squish you, accidentally, sometimes.  haha.  bending over, reaching for things, etc.  i'm not used to having a little life inside of my belly.  =)  sorry!  if you're ever mentally slow, you can always blame me!!!

xo

13wks, 4 days

I'M SO TIRED THIS WEEK!  most tired week, to date.

....zzzzzzz.......zzzzz........

Parenting Practices

i read this article, today, aaaand... we're good!!  i came from a mother that was insatiably "touchy feely" and its more than spilled into my life.  i will hug and cuddle and sleep with you anytime that you need!  but, once youre a bit older, we'll have to have limits.  =)  we need a healthy balance and cant smother you.  i want you to feel self confident and not co-dependent. 

re: "crying it out"...  i remember reading somewhere that parents that let their children constantly "cry it out," could run into the risk of brain damage.  i understand the reasoning, from time to time, once youve mitigated all other factors (illness, diaper, tummy ache, etc.), but studies show that on-going practice lead to, not only physical brain trauma, but emotional trauma, as well.  insecurity, abandonment, etc.  its not really in me to leave things along if there is something wrong.  i'm a nurturer with a light, type A personality (i said light!!!)

* * *

"Life outcomes for American youth are worsening, especially in comparison to 50 years ago," says Darcia Narvaez, Notre Dame professor of psychology who specializes in moral development in children and how early life experiences can influence brain development.

"Ill-advised practices and beliefs have become commonplace in our culture, such as the use of infant formula, the isolation of infants in their own rooms or the belief that responding too quickly to a fussing baby will 'spoil' it," Narvaez says.

This new research links certain early, nurturing parenting practices -- the kind common in foraging hunter-gatherer societies -- to specific, healthy emotional outcomes in adulthood, and has many experts rethinking some of our modern, cultural child-rearing "norms."

"Breast-feeding infants, responsiveness to crying, almost constant touch and having multiple adult caregivers are some of the nurturing ancestral parenting practices that are shown to positively impact the developing brain, which not only shapes personality, but also helps physical health and moral development," says Narvaez.

Studies show that responding to a baby's needs (not letting a baby "cry it out") has been shown to influence the development of conscience; positive touch affects stress reactivity, impulse control and empathy; free play in nature influences social capacities and aggression; and a set of supportive caregivers (beyond the mother alone) predicts IQ and ego resilience as well as empathy.

The United States has been on a downward trajectory on all of these care characteristics, according to Narvaez. Instead of being held, infants spend much more time in carriers, car seats and strollers than they did in the past. Only about 15 percent of mothers are breast-feeding at all by 12 months, extended families are broken up and free play allowed by parents has decreased dramatically since 1970.

Whether the corollary to these modern practices or the result of other forces, an epidemic of anxiety and depression among all age groups, including young children; rising rates of aggressive behavior and delinquency in young children; and decreasing empathy, the backbone of compassionate, moral behavior, among college students, are shown in research.

According to Narvaez, however, other relatives and teachers also can have a beneficial impact when a child feels safe in their presence. Also, early deficits can be made up later, she says.

"The right brain, which governs much of our self-regulation, creativity and empathy, can grow throughout life. The right brain grows though full-body experience like rough-and-tumble play, dancing or freelance artistic creation. So at any point, a parent can take up a creative activity with a child and they can grow together."

 Further information: http://ccf.nd.edu/symposium/2012-symposium-presentations/

Large Lemon - 2nd Trimester

well, little baby, we made it.  we made it through our first trimester!  no nausea.  amazing, apparently.  just major food aversions (and still!).  its so difficult to eat since NOTHING ever sounds good.  *sigh*  but, i seem to be craving a lot of fruit.  we eat bananas, oranges, kiwis, avocados (a fruit!), cherries, blueberries, and lots of apples!  peanut butter, honey, tons of hard boiled eggs, walnuts, cashews, almonds, red peppers, kale, spinach...  meat sounds awful, but your dad yells at me for avoiding it...  we force feed me chicken and bison with brown rice. (i'm force feeding us, right now - salad and lots of veggies.  and an egg!)

quick FYI - we're listening to jim gaffigan - 4 kids.  =)  hilarious.

so, as much as everything has been smooth sailing, my emotional, or hormonal state, is, clearly, a mess.  but, not to worry, its not all the time.  occasional, with good reason, and very deep issues (perhaps, its not hormone, but just clear reality).  i sat on the ground, last night, while doing laundry and i cried.  hard.  i cried my eyes out.  i did some research on our insurance and read awful stories from the hospital which we are supposed to deliver you.  they have the highest rate of emergency c-sections in the city - 37.7/100 as opposed to the suggested national of 10-15/100.  and, just like a renegade business, they rush the patient through the process.  giving them pitocin within 24 hrs of water breaking, then more drugs, all to set the stage for the c-section.  they want me to induce you to come quicker than you want to.  and i'm not doing it that way.  i flat out refuse.  if i knew more about home births and could afford it, i would.  but, as a first time mom, i'm slightly scared of it.  even though women have been doing it for hundreds of years...  i just wish that we had a strong, knowledgeable woman, nurse, doula, midwife that could shed light on the subject for us.  we seem to be surrounded by big business hospitals with equally uncaring doctors and nurses.  even in my own profession.

our world is getting more difficult by the minute.  even in america, land of the free, our rights are slowly being squeezed.  they want me to vaccinate you, rush you, take you to another room after birth...  i dont want any of this and plan on having a birth plan and can only HOPE to have someone there to enforce our wishes since i'll be in a lot of pain which may cloud judgement.

all that being said, i'm reading ALL that i can and may switch my insurance to a more reputable hospital in the city.  i have one in mind.  the insurance is more expensive, but i cant, in good conscience, put you or me at risk or let anyone take advantage of us.  its too important to me.  i already love you so much.  i'm going to obtain all of the info that i can and make an informed decision.

you've turned me into a fierce protector.  a feeling that i had never felt so strongly.  my little lemon.