Our Alma Mater & the Final Four

Hail to the Spartans!  

FINAL FOUR BOUND

This weekend was a fantastic weekend for my and your fathers alma mater, Michigan State!  As you know, we both attended college there, your pops played football, and thats where we met (thanks to Mike Tyson, but thats another story).  Needless to say, we're both sports fans.  Mainly football and basketball, but I would go to various events, just for fun.  Rugby, baseball, lacrosse...  Its fun for me to watch competition.  Especially college.  They're pretty seasoned, at that point, typically having played for at least 10 years or so, and many have scholarships.  College athlete students with scholarships will tend to have a bit more drive than the average student since they're playing and studying with the scholarship in mind.  If they dont perform, they lose it.  Its an honor and one to be taken with heart.  So, watching these athletes that play with so much heart, is a great watch, indeed.  I was on a "team," of some sort, for the first 10 years of my life and nothing replaces that feeling.  In practices, you all work hard to individually better yourselves, push your physical limits, and then play together during the game for a common goal to win, and the feeling is great.  Even if you lose, you lean on one another for support.  Your dad is such an anomaly that, he excelled at individual sports, too.  Boxing, Jiu-Jitsu, etc.  I went that route with track because I was pretty fast, but it was for the whole of the team, in the end.  We both grew up playing sports and the "team" mentality is ingrained in us for the best.  The sheer camaraderie that sports brings to an entire group of people, that wouldnt share much, otherwise, is toxic.  You feel so much joy and the energy is tangible.  Even if you dont like sports, its fun to be in the crowd just for the pure energy.  I love, nothing more, than being at an event or even just a room of people, watching a team that you've followed for YEARS, know ALL about and love, and sharing the joys of the moment with that room full of like-minded people.  And for me, really, I just love college and earlier.  In college, the players are hungry, young, eager, talented, and at their peak of "want."  As children, well, THEY'RE CHILDREN.  Cute factor to the 10th degree.  They make it pure. 

Our MSU basketball program is of the classiest in the nation.  Tom Izzo has been our head coach since 1995 and words cant describe what he's brought to the program.  He loves his students and, like all great coaches, pulls out the BEST of whats inside of them.  Its part of the allure to watch the team.  To watch them blossom into being their best.  You see them come in as "green" freshman and leave their senior year as polished players and gentleman.  And with Toms teaching style, they're all true gentleman.  Not just stereotypical, meathead athletes.  Anyone that watched last year, remembers player Adreian Payne and little cancer patient, Lacey Holsworth.  These two had an immediate bond and she became the teams mascot, of sorts.  She drove the teams spirit in such a beautiful way that it made it a joy to watch them.  She passed away, soon after the tournament.  RIP, little one.

http://espn.go.com/mens-college-basketball/story/_/id/10754327/michigan-state-spartans-adreian-payne-mourning-loss-princess-lacey-cancer



Tom Izzo said this:  "Princess Lacey has taught us all an incredible lesson about love, strength and toughness. We can all learn from her on how to handle adversity with class and dignity."

I love being part of such an honorable community.  Now, if we could just get you to go to State, too, we'll be all good!  haha.  ;)  Kidding, you do what you want - college isnt for everyone, but I will ensure you just be the best of who you're supposed to be.  Its my duty to set you up for that.  ♥   Your dad and I have talked about what we'll allow you to do or not...  Football is close to being off the table.  Children are getting concussions at a phenomenal rate and its not a safe game anymore.  We're all stronger, quicker, and more skilled than ever.  It makes it a dangerous game.  NFL players are experiencing some of the worst qualities of life that we've seen.  Mike Ditka, of the Chicago Bears, recently said that he would never allow his children to play football if he knew then what he knows now.  Its very scary.  Pro players are committing suicide and having severe disabilities from the game.  Our brains are extremely delicate and it makes sense it would be more prone to trauma when impacted.  I dont care what you do!  I just want you to be happy and do whatcha like!  Play the violin, be a mathematician, travel the world - just be happy and healthy!  xo

Magic Johnson was a MSU graduate.  He's been representing at all of the games.   

music:  duran duran - hungry like the wolf
weather:  75 and sunny
breakfast:  quest cheesecake bar, water
lunch:  falafel, tabbouli, hummus, tom/cuc salad, pita
dinner:  always a game time decision...   =) 

Last Friday of March

well, its the last weekend of our march and i'm tired of seeing these trails in the sky...  they do it every single thursday and friday and i want to know whats going on.  are they chemtrails?  they dont dissipate like regular trails of vapor.  i've been watching and suspicious of our skies for a few years, now.  i see weekend patterns, i hear stories, and i'm very curious.  especially living in the mountains, closer to the sky than anyone at sea level.  i drive your father crazy with my suspicions and curiosities and conspiracy theories, but i'm quite certain that i'm on to a lot more things than one might think.  when i tell you i have a strong intuition, i mean it.  in my life i've had feelings about many, many things that people doubt and i end up being proved right.  it happens constantly.  often, i dont talk about the specific situations.  i've had people lie to me while me knowing the truth and i never let them know.  its almost a way for me to hone my intuition even further.  i've learned that people will protect their reputation at almost any cost.  even if it means they've hurt you.  people HATE to look badly and harbor too much.  i've learned to pick my battles wisely.

anyway, i'm a little "odd" in a few ways, but dont care what people think, either way.  i'm a happy soul, by nature, and i dont let suspicions consume me. i graciously entertain them and still live happy, almost in SPITE of them.  i wont be preparing for the apocalypse anytime soon.  i'm just a curious mind that knows we, general americans, are being lied to on a daily basis by our government.  i dont always support certain things that, if i said outloud, people would freak out about.  its amazing how critical people are when you tell them your thoughts on things that are supposed to be "patriotic" or things that you should be in full support of...  i cant judge them too harshly.  they are still sleeping.  i shall digress here...  a very healthy balance of stark, raw awareness and enough sense to live an unfearful life is imperative to me for you.  i dont want you to walk around like the common human-zombie, unaware of how things work and just "go with the flow" of life.  the more aware you become, the better of a person you will be and the more apt to live a good life for the greater good of the world you will want.  it will be living in the truth and making a dynamic impact on our life and yours and theirs, to come.

non-clouds - the mysteries in our skies

 on a different note, i saw a skateboarder in the distance and it reminded me of cali.  *sigh*  i really miss cali, kiddo...  we may just head back, we'll see.  we're adventurous and will do exactly what makes us happy ~

i always dreamed of you playing in the warm sand and your dad teaching you to body board every weekend...  whatever we do, happiness will ensue.  ♥

* music:  amon tobin - deo

the six parts seven - changing the name of october

* weather:  pHeNoMeNaL - 72 and gorgeous

* breakfast:  water, homemade trail mix (could be worse!!!  but, should be much better.  i keep forgetting my oatmeal.)

* lunch:  shake - 2 scoops plant protein powder, chia seeds, quinoa, grass-fed gelatin, greens scoop, strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries

* dinner:  i might buy a grill tonight, so maybe chicken and a big salad??? 

Wk 17

xo

 

 

weather:  63 and sunny (snow melted immediately!).  its supposed to be 81 on saturday.  bike ride!

breakfast:  tea, cherries, almonds, macadamias, cocoa bits

lunch:  chicken pot pie type thing from whole foods

dinner:  chicken wings and salad

music:  judith hill - desperation (new album - back in time)  gorgeous voice, full of soul, but kind of bubble gum pop r&b...  first time listen for me.

150 Beats, Yo!

i heard you again, today!  150 beats per minute and feisty, as usual.  we always hear your heartbeat, right off the bat, but, then, as soon as you feel the doppler, OFF you go, moving around it!  the nurses always laugh, and today, she said its because its a tad unusual for the baby to move so much with just a little pressure.  you do it every time.  its so funny how feelings work so organically.  i just lie there, waiting to hear something, staring at the ceiling, no emotions whatsoever....  then, BAM.  i hear you.  and guess what happens?  i smile.  HUGE.  and i cant stop.  its that genuine, top of the line, loving feeling that puts you over the, proverbial, moon, and its absolutely beautiful.  my eyes well up with tears and i get chills.  i cant wait to tell your father you're there and healthy.  thank you.  thank you for giving me that feeling that has never happened to me before and can never be replaced.  i want you here with me more than anything in the world, right now, but you know what?  i'm stronger than ever, at this very moment.  i've learned, through loss, to accept my fate.  if anything happens to you, i'll make it.  i'll go through what i'm supposed to, but i'll make it.  i can be okay.  i've learned so much about myself.  that being said, you BETTER make my fate the best ever! 

i was driving home and looking around at all of the people...  everyone has had a child, everyone has BEEN a child.  a baby.  does everyone have THIS feeling that i have right now?  the pregnant mothers, expecting fathers and families?  how wonderful.  i started appreciating the things that life gives you.  just simple FEELINGS.  the tingles that i've gotten, the smiles that have never been forced.  and i know most of it is just who we are.  our own brains making us have these feelings, but if thats the case, i'm happy for my brain.  to think that i can genuinely feel all of these positive, happy, and real feelings means, to me, that i'm healthy.  i'm, somehow, an optimist.  and i say "somehow" because not everyone is.  i see it.  i feel other peoples angst.  literally, feel.  i can read people without them saying a word.  and i've been through a lot of garbage in my life, but creating who i've wanted to be has been pretty incredible, considering the roads that could have been taken.  i guess i'm kind of proud of myself for having the mind-set to want to be a certain person and then truly trying to be it.  i'm glad that i can smile.  i'm proud to see the good in things, no matter how bad.  i'm elated that i look at the earth with copious amounts of gratitude and treat all flora and fauna with love.  i could live and dance with every animal thats ever existed (they wouldnt let me, but you get the idea).  i have a husband that loves me and WANTS to be with me.  i feel grateful, right now.  today, right this moment.

thank you for the gift of now.

* * *

music:  john lennon - woman
weather:  WTH?  rain mixed with snow.  !  i thought spring was here.  oh, CO, you so cray cray.
breakfast:  tea, granny smith apple with almond, honey, flax, blueberry butter.
lunch:  cauliflower and kale cooked in coconut milk.  black beans with potato, carrot, onion, and squash.  banana, grapefruit, and mango salad.
dinner:  ???  nachos?  those are good for babies, right?  *eye roll*  so bad.  at least they'll be made with organic corn chips, grass-fed beef, organic cheese, grass-fed sour cream, jalapenos, and salsa.  oh, and heirloom tomatoes.  which i LOVE.  i'm a big tomato fan.  not the industrial ones that taste like fish, but vine ripened, delicious tomatoes!  any kind, really.  there are so many from which to choose.  most stores dont carry much variety.  like all food...  that's why i love specialty markets.  people that love and appreciate good food in all of its variety!  the tomatoes are the only "healthy" thing here...  maybe a little bit of the beef for its protein.  i think its 15% lean.  not bad.  oh well.  we'll count it in the "20%-whatever" category.  word?  word.

Colors of Spring

~ * ~

Her colors of spring make Monet revel, they would.

Impressionist pointillisms of Signac and Seurat, 

Apples to oranges and golds to blues,

Hues to dots and patterns to images,

Or not.

Sometimes, not, as bursts of shape vibrate shapeless.

The lucid colors of another season blossoms in our souls. 

Lift on the wings of song and forge the skies breathless art.

For we are, graciously, your faithful keepers of the third kind.

~ * ~

 

Ping Pang

this whole process is difficult.  i'm trying so desperately to relax, but when i have days like today, i fill up with so much fear.  i woke up early with pains and aches.  i have them, on and off, but today was more painful.  i get nervous.  check for signs.  think about what i'll do.  i seem to be okay, now, but i was scared today.  and you want to reduce your stress, like they say, because all of your feelings go right to the baby.  so, i try.  really hard.  often, external forces dont understand.  they can be selfish, but i just have to focus.  this is my time.  and possibly, the very only time.  i want it to be healthy and loving.  its my goal for us. 

get ready for tomorrow, little one.  labs and checkups and stuff, oh my!  xo

* * *

music:  paul mccartney & wings - i love you
weather:  63 and partially cloudy
breakfast:  tea, strawberry cheesecake quest bar
lunch:  chicken noodle soup
dinner:  not sure...  per usual!
mood:  less than par today.  kind of stressed and searching for compassion and reassurance.  emotional.  damned hormones!

Stop. Grammar Time.

English.  It's your first language.  Know it well.

Well, Little One, if there is one thing that I will ensure you're taught, it's proper grammar.  It's one of the simpler things in life, yet, so many people, even educated people, get it so wildly wrong.  I've seen people in their 50's still get simple grammar wrong.  It seems that even if you weren't taught the correct way to write your first language, you would pick it up, over time.  But, I see it over and over again.  I've come to one conclusion:  people don't want to learn.  It's a concept I can't wrap my brain around.  I love being my best and if I can't attain my best, I enjoy trying and challenging my own brain.  That being said, I don't have many grammatical pet peeves with other people.  I've always thought it's more about what you mean, not what you say.  But, in this world in which we live, the little things will help get you further in school, career, and gain respect of your peers because they understand you.  Proper language helps people better understand what it is you're trying to say.  That's what proper grammar is all about.  Being clear.

I had a class in high school called College English and it was taught by a phenomenal teacher.  I was lucky enough to have him both my freshman and senior years.  And while I don't come off as nerdy, I love learning.  I sat front and center of his class.  No joke.  Anyway, here are two simple, minor examples of what many people get wrong and glimpse of what I'll help teach you:

Your vs You're

This is the most common mistake.

YOUR is possessive.  (Replace with MY.)  Technically, its a second person possessive adjective, but we won't get that complex with it.  In easy terms, it's used to describe something belonging to you. 
 "I'll take your bear that your great grandma gave to you with us."  (And yes, I have that bear, waiting for you.) 


YOU'RE is the contraction of YOU ARE and a combination of two words.  (Replace with YOU ARE.) 
 "You're beautiful."  (Aka:  You are beautiful.)
"I can't believe you're a tiny little baby!"   (Aka:  I can't believe you are...)


It's that easy.  =)




~*~*~*~

The other common mistakes that people use in every day language are:

Hay vs Hey

HAY is for horses, literally.  And pigs and barns and so forth.
"The horse mows on hay all day."

HEY is used to express yourself or to greet someone. 
"Hey!  How are you!"

Their/There/They're

Again, THEIR is possessive.
"It's their best prose they've ever written."

THERE is a location.
"There is my crystal ball!"

THEY'RE is the contraction of THEY ARE.
"They're so awesome at juggling while riding a unicorn!"

Some people will try to be mean and grumpy to you, like this:

I prefer the teaching route - be nice, like this:

 

Others:

Okay, Baby Womb Lesson # 1 is over!  haha.  ;)  I just want you to be everything.  ♥  Oh, also, don't eat yellow snow.

1st Day of Spring, Mon Frere

Beautiful spring day.  75 tomorrow may require a bike ride!  The sunshine is a surefire way to clear my cold for good.  Fab!

~  Happy Spring ~

Wk 16

(Week 15 was, we'll just say, for someone else.  Case closed.)

Hellooo week 16!  We kick off with the first day of •S•p•R•i•N•g•, today.  Cheers to a pleasing, healthy, and happy week.  I'm feeling better.  Cough is mitigated, sinuses are clear (ish), and the extra sleep on Wednesday helped a lot.  Sleep.  You are whom I love so dearly, but we dont quite dance long enough.

 

breakfast:  grass-fed whole milk, greek yogurt w/ real vanilla beans and dried strawberry granola

morning tea

weather:  beautiful.  10am - 50c and nothing but sunshine.  high of 68. 

music:  cat power - cross bones style

♥ (see that heart?  it made with my favorite number.  how lovely.)

March 17, 2015

Stevie Wonder for St. Pats!  =)  I couldnt resist and am glad.  He's such a neat living soul.  The arena was HUGE.  Its where the Denver Nuggets and Avalanche hockey play.  Our seats were far away since the closest ones were near $1000, but I didnt care a bit.  You can hear and see just as well.  I'm pregnant.  I dont need too much commotion, anyway.  He had a fantastic crew of musicians and one of the back-up singers was his daughter, who was beautiful and funny, just like him.  Saxaphones, violins, bongos, bass players, regular drums, and of course, Stevie on piano.  I got chills on several occasions.  He always manages to make me happy.

We ate jalapeno popcorn and had a water.  Your dad indulged in a vodka lemonade and nachos.  Wild bunch, we are...  Wow, nothing like concerts I've gone to in the past.  NOTHING.  ;)  You dad even commented on how nice everyone was being.  Good ol' CO kindness. 

* * *


the stage




the man, the myth, the legend

i loved this girls socks

 

rent a bike station

 


two tickets

 your mother  ;)

Pineapple Bowl

chicken, pineapples, rice, macadamia nuts, and spices inside of a pineapple.

dinner fun!  i forgot the veggies...  whoops!

Cough, Cough. Sniffle, Sniffle.

i've been sick all week.  what?  me?  sick?  ha!  i cant recall the last time since it NEVER happens.  but, you're sucking every single nutrient from me, leaving me vulnerable.  i have a dude in my office who's family is always sick. *sigh*  germs.  you cant always avoid them.  i'm okay with being sick, honestly.  its been awhile since my immune system has fought anything.  i never get "out for the count" sick.  here are my remedies for us.  well, me, really.  you're healthy as can be, im sure.  SINCE YOU HAVE ALL OF MY NUTRIENTS.  ;)

babybellybutterslather

as you know, i make everything i use on myself.  this is our belly cream.  lots and lots of nutrients for my skin nourishment and not one thing to harm you.  i rub it on my belly, which means it absorbs right where you are!  super safe.  being pregnant was the entire "birth" of my 100% natural ways.  i'd always been there, for the most part, but i still bought toothpaste, deodorant, various lotions...  being pregnant made me think of what a baby would absorb through my skin.  EVERYTHING. 

many people say, "if i cant pronounce it, it cant be good."  (food babe)  and while thats USUALLY a good rule of thumb since chemicals are 32 letters long and made in a lab, it could just mean that you just have a limited vocabulary.  i've never heard of sinensis?  well, its a fancy word for orange.  many things you cant pronounce or dont know what it is, can be good for you.  you need to research.  is it linked to cancer?  nix!  EWG is a phenomenal site to check if your products are safe.  you'd be surprised!  http://www.ewg.org/

my skin is so soft and supple.  you'll stretch me around, little one!  i'm ready!

Lets get PHO'd up!

one of my all time favorite meals.  PHO!  mmmmm.  vietnamese noodle soup with rice noodles, flavored bone broth (clove star anise, coriander, fennel, cardamom, ginger, onion), Thai basil, green onions, white onions, bean sprouts, lime, fish sauce (makes everything good!), hoisin, and Thai chili sauce, and i add sriracha.   sometimes a lot.  sometimes, too much.  flaming lips.  like the rad band.  i LOVE it.  warm and spicy and fresh.  perfect!  i get it with shrimp.  these are regular shrimp, but one of my favorite places in san diego made the shrimp bbq-style.  not like saucy bbq, but they marinated them in a spicy rub sort of thing and then grilled them over a fire.  they were the best i've ever had anywhere.  such a clean, feng shiu atmosphere with super speedy vietnamese men seating, bringing water, bringing apps, refilling your water, making sure everything was okay, busing tables...  hard ass workers.  and as a team.  they ran a great business. 

i could eat this until the cows come home. 

dont ever come home, cows!  be free!

i'll just come visit you.

Tender, Last Thoughts

i've been doing some thinking...  i always have my sweet alexis parker on my mind, especially throughout this pregnancy, and i constantly want to reference her.  i've gone through so many feelings, in the last three years, that its been hard not to think about them on a constant basis.  but, as of this week, i'm feeling like i dont want to always reference her.  i seem less connected to the second one because it was early and there were weird circumstances surrounding the whole thing.  i prefer not to hurt myself with entertaining the thoughts.  alexis was different.  very different.

i'm starting to feel lighter and happier and so much more hopeful than ever, and all of this hit me as i was reading something - let it go.  at least for now. 

maybe this is my last post concerning it.  like i said, just for now.  she is in a tiny little urn and with us, always.  if i didnt know anything about what happened, i would find the urn creepy.  but, it was a gift from a very, very unsuspecting person.  [thank you, dude (mark).  i'll never forget you and all of your tattoos.]  things are different when they actually happen to you.  your coping mechanisms are variant.  my mother-in-law told me, one day, when i was crying and feeling guilt about how i was "coping" (which seemed not very well, at one point) that, "dare you not worry.  whatever you have to do to cope is what you have to do.  dont worry about what one other person thinks.  we love you."  she just always seems to know the right things to say without prying or going overboard.  she is such a valuable example in my life.  i havent talked to one person about ALL of my feelings, yet they seem to flow like white water rapids here, in this space.  and believe it or not, i hold back quite a bit.  it reminds me how personal i truly am, but give me a writing platform and i blossom, more than i would have, otherwise.  i say blossom because i hate harboring my feelings so deep inside and not having anyone to trust enough to talk to.  so, releasing them, decompresses my soul, and i blossom.  but, some things are for me only.

so, in the meantime, i must be respectful of my newest, beautiful life coming to fruition, leave the past to rest in all of its peace and be thankful of its lessons - no matter how difficult, and love and trust today. 

and today, i feel free and full of love!  ♥

Wk 14

We're in week 14 today!  Here is our progress.  =)  I wish that I could see you every single day.  But, ultrasounds are bad for you, so we will probably only have three, total.  I'll have the 2nd one at 20 wks so that we can determine your sex!  I cant wait!!!

I was talking to your grandma C yesterday and she called you a "he" and said, "oh!  that just slipped!"  I've been calling you a he just out of pure convenience of not calling you a million other random things and to avoid "it."  haha.  We'll know soon enough!  And, I've heard of people planning for what they THINK is the determined sex, but getting a big surprise at birth.  That would be crazy.  They're pretty accurate, though.  I'm getting blood work done in a couple weeks and they can test your DNA.  Its pretty amazing.  We MAY be able to determine your sex then...  We shall see.

In the meantime, you made me sick this morning.  And yesterday morning.  And I've been nauseous, off and on, since wk 11...  And I couldnt be happier!  Make me sick all you want!  I cant wait to smother you in love!!!  XOXO

Wk 13

I forgot to post these.  I've been meaning to, so that I can track your progress, but kept forgetting!  I'm on it, now.  We just ended wk 13 and are in 14.  Lucky number 13 has a been a VERY sick wk for me.  Nauseous every day.  You're getting LOADS of raw ginger.  Hopefully, 14 is better.  But, I dont really care if not.  ;)

Purple Haze

So, this totes-mcGotes happened... So much for healthy, GMO free, yada yada yada...   Haha.

The truth is that I try to keep my healthy eating to majority levels.  This has ZERO nutritional value for me and my baby.  Wheat cakes topped with sugar stuff.  Even the bacon has nitrates and nitrites.  BUT, I refuse to consider this "cheating" since 1) I don't like feeling guilty, and 2) shouldn't since I'm good enough to myself, on a usual basis.  I try to keep things 80/20.  80 good, 20 whatever.  And when I say "whatever," I mean chili cheese dogs, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, dairy queen blizzards, rootbeer floats, Coke in a can...  You know, all of the things that make people obese and create cancer and health issues?  Delicious.  But, then, I detox on green drinks made of cilantro, spinach, spirulina, etc., etc  Its quite a dance.  I think of it as food for the soul.  You just NEED it sometimes.  I'm sure Buddha never said that...  Ha.

Blueberry mascarpone lemon cream strudel thingamajigger with crunchy things on top.

I'm CERTAIN the baby was dancing, just like me. I think I still have some...

Leftovers!

I Will Carry You Everywhere

so, this little ditty is a called a baby wrap.  women in africa and many, many other countries have been carrying and wrapping their babies for centuries.  i love the concept.  my baby close to me while i do things?  you bet!

i started researching baby carrying with my first pregnancy.  i was fascinated at the idea of actually wearing my baby as opposed to leaving it sit in a carrier, or some other device, all the time.  the more i researched, the more i learned.  there were studies stating how leaving a baby on its back all of the time isnt the healthiest for the baby.  carrying the baby helps mom and baby bond, and, of course, its convenient.  gardening?  throw the baby on your back!  going to the zoo?  throw the baby on your back and give them a great view of the world!  plus, they can be absolutely gorgeous.  the fabric.  so.  gorgeous.  wait until i tell you about the "cult" of baby wearers.  wow...  anyway, for now ~

i was living at the beach when i came across the girasols.  they are 100% cotton (very important to me - no synthetic materials on my baby - skin is our biggest organ and needs to breathe) and handwoven by the wonderful women in guatemala.

this is straight from their site:  "Only pure untreated cotton that has neither been pre-bleached or chemically finished is used. We do not use formaldehyde, halogen-organic compounds, aromatic amines or brighteners. And our fabrics are not treated subsequently with chemicals or finishes.  Girasol's select weavers are masters of a very difficult and ancient skill called diagonal weaving. A high-quality baby carrier produced with this method of weaving will always adapt elastically and never stretch out of shape. The hems have been doubled to prevent the edges from causing any unpleasant pressure."

whats not to love?  sold!

i perused the collections and clicked on what i wanted.  easy, right?  NO.  "sold out.  next wrap released in july."  july?  its december!  i have to wait six months for a wrap?  i had to be put on a waiting list!  so, this isnt like amazon where i just click and buy?  nope.  the serious baby wrap makers make only a select few and then release them on a certain month.  only if you've signed up WAY ahead of time are you qualified to get their one-of-a-kind wraps for yourself.  um, okay, so what now?  i had to email the company, tell them that i'm interested, and see what wrap they would be releasing next.  CRAZY.  would i even like it?  i'm kind of a picky bear...  i know what i like and i get stubborn.  so, the kind lady e-mailed me that the next release would be "tropical sunset" made of beautiful sherbet oranges, lemon yellow sunshine, and turquoise blue.  fine, great, i was thinking more of some cool black and white artsy pattern, but that sounds delightful.  i live in san diego, so it kind of works.  sign me up!

but, then... reality.  my second trimester mc...  i was crushed.  do i cancel?  what if i never have a baby?  what if i CANT.  what if my husband leaves me for someone else to make a family because i cant and i NEVER have a baby?  its shocking the things that you go through, mentally, when something like this happens to you.  you feel shitty about yourself and what your life is going to become.  you dream about your life.  and you KNOW that things arent going to work out exactly like you dream, but you never imagine that the big things wont work out for you - ie:  having a child.  my husband comforted me like no other.  he promised that even if we never had a child, we would always have each other.  and no college or child bills!  haha.  =)  it made me feel better, but i knew that deep down, he was struggling with everything, too.  and it hurts.  you feel helpless.  will your life fall apart?  but, you just hope for another day to be merciful to you.  another day to hug each other and be our most faithful when it counts the most.  when you know that you do all of the right things in life - you're a good person, you're a faithful to everyone in your life, you're open to learning the truths about life - it makes tragedy a downright bitch.  i learned a lot about people during this journey.  A LOT.  how people handle problems, who your friends are, who its also happened to, how your family responds...  and i'm proud of everyone in my life.  most everyone, anyway.

i decided to say fuck it.  pardon my frankness, but thats what i said.  if i never have a baby, at least i'll have a kickass beach blanket.

when i finally received it late july, i was elated.  it was beautiful.  and handmade 7/15/13, just two days after our baby girl was supposed to be born.  it sat in my linen closet, moved to CO with me, and sat in another linen closet until last night.  

its time!  i'm finally hopeful, and i feel happy. 

now, i just have to learn how to use it.
 

  

oakley, always curious.  maybe i'll wrap him like a baby!  maybe not.  he'll scratch me to death.  Senor Sticky Pants - his nickname because his nails are so long and stick to EVERYTHING.

this is probably how i'll wrap - seems easiest (then, you just pull the cloth over the babies bum):

 

 pics of moms  =)

 

i had a dress that reminds me of the one she is wearing...  i loved it.  so colorful and detailed...  and i love the babies hat.  precious.

  

Rearview Mirror Glimpse

this was a picture that i took on the way back from my very first appointment.  i was so happy because i heard your heartbeat, the sun was shining and melting everything, and when i looked in my rearview mirror, the mountains looked gorgeous.  this pic isnt, at all, a real reflection of what i saw with my own eyes - its a low quality photo - but, it reminds me of how happy i was that day. 

i take rearview pics a lot.  i got used to it in CA because the sunsets were always blazing in my inner rearview mirror  and outter mirrors.  it was nearly impossible NOT to.  i used to have ocean sunsets.  now, i have snowy mountains.  what's next?

Dessert, not Desert

my English teacher taught me to learn the difference between dessert (yum!) and desert (hot!).

Dessert:  the delicious items eaten proceeding a lovely dinner, has TWO s's.  why?  because you always want MORE dessert!  get it?  clever.

Desert:  the hot dry place in which my in-laws live.  only one s because no wants more desert.

*wink*

sliced bananas topped with homemade almond butter, 70% organic, dark chocolate nibs, and drizzled with organic raw honey.  popped in the freezer to set.  voila!

i should just dip the whole things in chocolate and freeze them...  and sprinkle them w/ Himalayan salt...  next time.

Lucky Charms

see these charms?  i've had them since i was a teenager.  your grandma O gave them to me to wear when i was pregnant, so here we FINALLY are!  i wasnt sure if it would ever even happen.  the set came with a stork, a pacifier, and baby shoes.  as soon as i found out that i was pregnant, i went into my jewelry stand (yes, its a stand) and fished out what i would wear every second of this pregnancy, for good luck.  i decided to wear the shoes and the pacifier until you're born and then switch over to just the stork after you're born.  i had these gold hoop earrings that just werent doing it for me, so i deconstructed them and added a hoop to the chain.  for, you know, flare.  i had to buy a gold chain since i usually wear silver or white gold.  i've always liked yellow gold, but just not as much.  its worth more, thats for sure.  but, this is about sentiment and superstition, so gold it is! 

my good luck charms, just like you.  three is my favorite number and you're my #3.  not only that, but you were conceived in the seventh year of our marriage.  we married on 7/07/07.  threes and sevens and thirteens run rampant through our life.  its quite amazing, really.  you were no exception.                                    

Soupy Sales

i made some veggie soup for us.  mega-veggie.

all organic veggies:  corn, peas, green beans, carrots, celery, cabbage, mushrooms, garlic, 100% pure olive oil, chicken bone broth, various spices.  oh, and little chicken (stupid protein!).  i usually put (sister christian is playing on the radio right now.  just thought you'd like to know.) garbanzo beans, too, but i was out. i added a little ACV to give it a little tartness.

yum!

i took a pic of the back stove, on purpose.  as i was cooking, i got entranced in the trinkets i seem to harbor.

starting from the left: 

ceramic mushroom:  i've had it for more years than i can even recall and it used to be your grandma O's.  i have some thoughts about it that, when you're old enough, we'll discuss.  regardless, i've always had a thing for mushrooms.  i like them in my food, i like to hunt for morels with my dad on my grandpas property in MI, and i have a painting of them from college that i painted (while tipsy), one night.  ;)

a ceramic rooster and little chick at its feet:  your great grandmother W sent that to me for my birthday, circa '98.  we had just moved to CA and it made no sense to me.  haha.  i called your grandma O and talked to her about it.  i didnt have an affinity for chickens, ceramic trinkets, nothing...  in fact, i hated trinkets.  clutter.  grandma O told me that she was eccentric and to just appreciate the fact that she loved me enough to think of me and send me a gift.  i suddenly felt like a brat.  when i called my gram to thank her, she said that it reminded her of me and my father (the rooster and the chick - get it?).  i, so graciously, giggled inside, and knew that i would keep and cherish it forever.  it was so sweet and endearing, how could i be such a brat.  something about her was that, she always gave quirky gifts, but when you would speak with her about them, you understood her point of view.  from that point forward, i never questioned ANY gift.  i appreciated the fact that the person took even one single second to think about me.  period.

oyster shells:  those are two oyster shells: the big one was my nephews.  i flew him to san diego for his graduation present, last summer, to stay with us and i fed him oysters for the first time.  very surprisingly, he enjoyed them!  i bought him surf lessons and an incredibly nice dinner on the beach.  it was such a nice time.  he doesnt know i kept it.  =)  you'll learn that your dad and i have a love and tradition for eating oysters and drinking martinis with blue cheese olives.  before i was pregnant with you, we found a phenomenal oyster bar here.  once you get here, i'll be able to eat seafood and have a martini!  so, once again, hurry up!  ;)  (the small oyster shell is mine from here.  our new-found spot.)

nephew (soon to be your 1st cousin!) in action.

the honey miel:  just a cute little honey container that i bought after researching and learning so much about bees while in san diego.  they're such amazing and necessary creatures that for which i have so much respect.  i even try to buy honey that is produced by small farmers or even just sole honey makers.  the big companies over work them and exploit the hell out of them, so i keep it local and ethical.  and always, raw and organic.  when i was a little girl, i had two uncles that raised bees and they would give me the honey comb to eat.  it was pure heaven.  i loved staying with them so much because they were both so interesting and love, love, loved me.  i would always have a small ball of beeswax to take home from sucking out all the honey.  i would save them for some odd reason.  i have a few weird ways about me.  haha.  i used to save my gum, too.  i had a small ceramic kitten that was on its back, legs and paws out to hold your chewed gum.  ug.  so gross.  haha.  i would keep the stupid gum for a few days on that thing and then roll it in sugar to get the "flavor" back.  i was 7.  dont judge me.

two "god" magnets - one on each side of the clock:  the left one is a tribal man that represents honor and loyalty.  the right one (not pictured) is a sun god.  they were handmade out of terracotta by a hippie lady in ocean beach, ca.  i bought them at the farmers market that i shopped every wednesday.

My little "B-boy"

and here you are!  i finally got to see you today!  the title indicates "how" i saw you today.  i have no idea your sex and wont know until wk 20, but you were on your head, today, doing a headspin - hence, b-boy.  my little breaker.  ;)  the little life that i have been carefully helping to craft through good diet, exercise (when i'm not tired!), and lots of laughs.  i'm doing my absolute best to ensure your pure health, nourishment, and growth.

key words for you are:

* hydration - i purchased a water filter that filters out chemicals and fluoride.  it was a little pricey, up front, but you're worth it.  i've become a complete water snob and only drink my own water.

i love this thing.  total snob! 

 

* organic - i try my darndest to buy only organic fruits and veggies.  i'm very strict on it.  the only time we dont get organic is through delivery or if we go out.  its nearly impossible to eat well if we do either of these two.

* grass-fed/pasture raised - we buy all gf meats, cheeses, butter, and dairy.  NO CORN fed.  corn is not only GMO (controversial, but i have my own deep thoughts & intuition), but converts to sugar.  sugar = GMO = fat = diabetes.  you (or me) will never develop diabetes as long as my life is in my own hands.  its up to me and my diet, and i know it.  cows should eat delicious grass and graze freely in the sunshine.  i've always shyed away from meat, as a whole (i was a vegetarian before i met your dad), because i love, love, love animals and hate the idea of chewing on them (ug), BUT the research seems to point to a slight need for healthy development (especially for the unborn), not because we've always needed it, but because we've EVOLVED to needing it.  that's what happens when people do the same things, over and over...  it becomes part of our DNA and we end up requiring what we never required before.  this is a tough one...  i struggle with it.  my indian background agrees, wholeheartedly, with ethically treated animals (good food, sunshine, and love) that when killed to give YOU life, must be adored and worshiped.  we must be damned thankful.  and i am.  but, a small piece of me feels guilt, also.  your dad says vegetarians are horribly unhealthy and birth problematic babies.  all of my own research is scattered, but i feel in my heart to eat plant-based with a little of everything else and be good with it.  thats what my blood type says to eat, too.  plant-based.  i have a rare blood type - 6% of the population.  i would give blood, but my veins always burst.

oh, and very particular eggs - hens that eat worms, etc.  no grains or corn.  the eggs i buy are expensive.  the most expensive thing i buy, really.  i cut corners, in other areas, to be able to afford high quality, important items.   buy in bulk, buy frozen, buy on sale, etc.  ive learned the art of balance.

* exercise - i could always use more cardio, but i lift weights, primarily.  overhead press, dead lift, bench press, and squat.  i'm in the hundreds with all but the overhead.  yuck!  that one is hard.  im pushing 200 for squat...  i did 180 x 5 last week, so i think, technically, i'm over, but whatever.  i lift for strength, not beach muscles, so i do high weight, low reps (beach muscles are low weight, high reps - no strength).  i do at least two to three miles of cardio each session.  very surprisingly, the weight lifting revs your heart.  i have never liked doing too much cardio because i know endurance runners rack up a lot of health issues, later on.  your grandpa C used to run and had to have knee replacements because of it.  it also enlarges the heart, is very rough on your joints, etc., etc.  many people run for the need of it, not because its healthy.  which, some think, is just as unhealthy.  i, personally, dont care.  to each their own.  im a sprinter and have always felt thats where my body feels most comfortable.  i used to run five miles or more a day and it made me a slow poke, so i stick to a little more median of a run and do more weights.  so, i like to weight lift, sprint, and run hills outside where ever i can.  i miss boxing a lot.  and i would love to learn judo and muay thai.  i like to sing, too.  exercise of the vocal cords!  it counts!  and we ride bikes.  our new mountain bikes. we havent hit the slopes yet, this year.  a shame, really.  REALLY. 

* sleep - this is where i lack!  i love sleep - LOVE - but, i barely do it.  i am such a night owl and then get up for work and never nap.  i average 5-6 hours of sleep during the week.  i'm pregnant.  its awful.  i make up for it on the weekends, but i need consistency.  easier said than done.  i've always stayed up later than the rest of the world.  i like the nighttime.  its quiet, mysterious, and when i peak.  when i get up early, i do have to say that, i love the mornings.  one summer, when i was home between college, i had to work at 5am and the mornings were so incredibly peaceful.  i grew up on a lake, so the water was like glass and the ducks and birds were phenomenally entertaining.  could i give you that kind of life, i will.  it was fun, peaceful, and connected me to nature on a deep level.  plus, i had a dad that liked toys.  speed boats, snow mobiles, etc.  for a child, its beyond healthy.  you'll enjoy staying with your grandpa W.  he'll take you on boat rides and different adventures.  he's overjoyed about you and said he thinks of you and prays for us every day.  =)

* laughs! - this one is easy.  your father is a stitch, as your grandma C would say.  that means funny.  he has always made me laugh, which, if you know me, isnt too hard - i'm a very light spirit and find much joy in life - but, your dad is on a different level.  i giggle always.  he's silly, and smart, and witty...  we have a wonderful chemistry which comes through in joy and laughs.  and your family is fantastic.  grandma C is one of the biggest hearts in life and always smooths out my moods.  "okay, we're going to hang up, you'll pour a glass of wine, get off your feet, and call it a day!"  she knows exactly how much to give and take.  grandma O will love and snuggle you like she did me, always.  you can actually FEEL her love.  its like no other.  point is, we're balanced.  we have fantastic love and support which only contributes to a healthy life.  you have two sides of a family, both are more than just "cool" or "sporty" or "educated"...  they exude love.  it will strengthen you.

* belly rubs - i give them to you often.  from me, from your grandparents, from friends...  giving you good vibes!

* * *

upside down baby, doing a head spin!  if you squint, it sort of focuses.  the nurse had a hell of a time pinning down a good pic because you're so active!

moms celebration drink.  mmm.