The Calm

i'm soooo tired...  ALL the time...  but, for very good reason.  =) 

when you've, personally, been through so much tragedy, its extremely difficult to find pure peace.  no one that hasnt been through it will absolutely never understand.  i see women get pregnant, love or hate their entire pregnancies (i've seen both sides!  some people are so miserable), and birth their beautiful baby, never knowing what could have happened and never experiencing the loss that can bring you closer than ever to your baby.  i, sometimes, fear that.  getting too close to my baby because of the tragedies i've experienced.  i dont want to smother-love my baby because of the loss of the others.  i'm aware.  keenly aware.  i dont want to take anything away from a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

so, i'm trying to be calm.  i'm trying to not worry about every little ping and pang that happens in my belly that, before, meant contractions, starting minor and gradually getting stronger and more painful, leading to a death inside of me.  its happened twice, and both times have been painful.  and both times i was alone.  locked away from the world.  the recluse in me shines brightly in times of pain.  i was born this way.  i cant be near one other person, no matter how much i love them.  i always feel badly for THEM because they dont understand.  my mother used to try to make me talk things out and i couldnt.  thats her, not me.  i'm painfully private.  its just a natural force inside me and the force is strong.  i love the world so deeply, but i need to face certain things on my own.  it has nothing to do with love, but rather my spiritual being.  freedom within myself.

i almost passed out with alexis.  i just kept focus, i kept breathing, and i kept telling myself, "i'm a woman.  an incredibly strong woman with a high pain tolerance.  i'm designed to do this.  breathe."  so, when i have strong, sharp pains inside of me, i stand guard.  everything stops.  i cant hear anything.  i sit very still, like the air on a mid-year day in the dead of summer.  i listen to my body.  i look for exits.  i plan how to get home if i'm out.  once i know that the feeling is nothing similar to before, i breathe-easy.  touch my belly and say, "stay with me, love."

calm.  breathe deep and remain calm.  you will come to us.

* * *

songs played as write:
george michael - kissing a fool
tears for fears - head over heels
devo - whip it
the clash - rock the casbah
duran duran - dont say a prayer for me now
kool & the gang - too hot

10:45a at work.  alone.  boss sick, co-worker out.
drinking my daily tea - warm water, tumeric, cayenne, cinnamon, raw honey.  ran out of lemon and ginger.
eating an organic banana w/ cashew butter and almonds.

snow has melted.  its 39 and partly cloudy.  it was 65 earlier this wk.  crazy.  the weather is pretty mild here, overall.  but, "they say" it snows through march and april?  hm.  how are flowers supposed to grow with snow falling from the sky...  the only way to know is see for yourself.