i guess it rains down in africa

ryder jameson czanstke

that's what we're calling you.  truth?  i'm not 100% sold on it, but it seems to be all that is swirling in our minds, right now.  no one has overtly positive reactions to it when i tell them, so it makes it interesting.  they just say, "oh, okay, thats nice..."  we dont care, your dad and i.  we'll have a handful of names and may just pick one upon seeing your adorable face.  WHICH I CANT WAIT.  your name will be good for you and your young generation, but these older generations are seeking something "cute" and that they can say, "oooohhh, i loooove it..."  i like that its not like that.  so, maybe i'm more privy to it than i think.

i'm your mother and i'm one interesting muslin mixed bag of treats.  as you can see, i'm very hit and miss with communication.  and i like it that way.  i have never liked being "too" accessible.  the recluse in me.  the loner.  the scorpio.  i have a mind that is constantly processing loads of information, for some reason.  i used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...  your grandmother used to always tell me that i had a "chemical imbalance," which almost offended me since its a pretty forward thing to say to someone, but i knew she was just trying to figure me out.  i know me...  i'm just a thinker, feeler, intuitive soul of the universe that is always trying to grow and shape into who i want to be and not what my environment tries to predict.  i care about important things.  deeply.  i could attribute my overwhelming emotions to hormones, but i'm certain thats not it.  i feel really happy in my pregnancy, overall.  actually, crazy happy and am feeling ultra balanced.  but, i was asked a very inappropriate question, this weekend, by someone that i love, and it hurt me, beyond belief.  sometimes, i feel like no matter how amazing of a person that i am, it can go fully unnoticed.  and i do a lot.  you have a really good person of a mom.  i've grown into very high standards for myself and its no accident.  i work, in my life, to grow, exponentially.  i'm honest, truly try to be THE most compassionate for other people, and am fiercely loyal to the good people in my life.  so, when i'm asked a question that is so far off of my character, it hurts.  i cried.  a lot.  and i'm trying not to cry with you.  i'm trying to maintain the best of spirits and never shed a tear of sadness for YOUR sake.  but, life always has other plans, you'll learn.  she is a roller coaster, my love.  you not only have to deal with your own heart, but others that you love.  and sometimes, they're hearts are on other planets and you have to try to connect to that other planet.  its not always easy.  i have my head in the clouds, at times, thinking that life is grand and that everyone is just with me.  i know that i'm a superstar and just expect it to be realized.  its not the case.  you're always explaining and proving and showing and reassuring.  it can be exhausting, and sometimes, painful.  people will try to make you a victim of your past or hold you in a certain place because of their own feelings.  dont allow it.  as humans, we have to evolve.  you have to keep moving forward.  i can only pray that you have people in your life that trust you and love you for who you are, and we're going to make sure you're beautiful to help mitigate any mistakes that you may lean to make.  life involves many people and relationships, so know that you wont have the luxury of being selfish.  if someone has an issue with you, you have to help them address it.  and be gentle.  be loving.  keep your heart open.  i, also, want you to know that i expect you to make mistakes, but with that, i expect you to learn from each and every one of them.  you will not be a fuck up.  i will never leave your side and let you fall alone.  ever.  i want you to have freedom in learning who you are and what you want.  i will allow you to make mistakes, i will allow you to have the freedom in those mistakes to learn, and i will be an open book to you for anything that you may need.  bottom line, i'm here.  forever.  and under any and all circumstances.  that cannot be said for everyone else.  and it hurts me to say that, but its true.  not everyone will be so giving.  if you take good care of yourself, you can be your own best friend.  people will see that in you and you will make great friends, outside of yourself.  seek those kinds of people.

so, with all of my ups and downs, my hard last week thinking of important birthdays, lame birthdays, deaths, work, in-laws, hail in our weather, family "issues"...  i'm still alive, and you're still kicking.  literally.  =)  you always make me smile. i just think of you and rub my belly.

flit is the butterfly as she flies into the depths of her serene blue ocean.  the mind of an artist and the ambition of turtle, at times.  but, i like turtles.  a lot.

you and i are at 30 weeks.  holy shyte.  time is truly flying.  and i want it to slow down.  i love carrying you with me everywhere i go.  you're the one solid in my life and i love you so much, already.  you dont like it when i lie on my back, so i have to adjust.  you're active from 7p-10p, nearly every night.  sometimes, i just sit and watch you in my belly.  it shifts and moves and turns.  yesterday, you lodged yourself somewhere in my ribs and i could feel whatever limb or head RIGHT on my skin.  it was crazy.  i would poke you, lightly, to move you because it was a tad uncomfortable and i didnt want to move the wrong way and hurt you.  you, eventually, retreated and things softened back up.  you cant irritate me, though.  sometimes, you kick all day, but it just makes me giggle.  i'll be in work meetings and you shift around and i daydream about you and what you're doing and completely miss everything in my meetings.  (thanks!  work sucks, anyway.  i'd rather just live my life raising you and having fun with your father...)

okay, enough of my glorious rant since i havent e-talked to you in weeks.

we have a SUPER busy week, next week.

the weekend starts with the 4th of july, birthing classes start for your dad and me next wk, i'm arting-up my belly (i'm so excited for that!), its your dad and my 8 year anniversary, then, we leave to travel for your baby shower and visit with your gpa W (and ride a jetski!  slowly, of course)!  its your gma's birthday weekend and we're celebrating the arrival of YOU with friends and family.  mostly family since your dad and my friends are so scattered across the nation.  it'll be mostly your gma's friends for her bday, but i invited two childhood homies who are still in the area and a few of your pops friends.  either way, it kicks off a very busy next few months.  your birth is bringing so, so much.

i love you, babyboy, and i'm beyond excited for our life with you.  may it be as blessed as you are to us.

xo