Cheers to Friends

you NEVER know when a friendship will come to fruition or you'll appreciate an old friend.  i had worked with a co-worker for a few years, and even though we had a great energy together, we werent "friends."  she got pregnant, worked in our office for awhile, had her baby, came back, and ended up leaving for a different opportunity.  that was around the time that i was looking into moving my family, for better opportunities, myself.  i talked, at great length, with my family and we decided to accepted the CO opportunity, for the benefit of us all.  maybe even get a house that isnt 100 million dollars like with coastal living.  dreams...  you have to fight for them.

before she left my company, she told me that she looked up to me for having the courage to make the significant changes that i did and it inspired her to look elsewhere for work.  she landed a lower-stress job with better hours.  i was moved that she had looked to me to make such a decision.  i do things to better my life and dont really think outside of that, so you dont really "judge" your own decisions, from the outside.  i guess looking at how i operate, as an adult, i'm pretty courageous.  far cry from my days as a young girl that was very timid, overall.  i didnt know my inner strength until later in life, but once i found it, i grew, exponentially.  i had a dream, when i was 25, that i could fly.  perhaps, that was me, moving into my next totem of my sign, the eagle (scorpion, eagle, dove).

anyway, the co-worker and i slowly got closer and i found out that she had a cool and loving vibe about her.  a cool cat.  i havent had the best luck finding good friends since everyone's drama seems to follow me, so she was a refreshing relief from what i've dealt with, in the last few years.  i appreciate her friendship!  sometimes they show up when you need them most.  she knows that i am cloth diapering, took notice, and sent me these!  i love them so much!!  i laugh with her about how funny it is that im finding diapers "cute" since they wont be so cute once in use.  haha.  she said she still loves them.  her little one just turned one and is still cruising around in them and she loves it.  good news.  ♥

i've dreamed about giving you the best life possible and only want the best for you.  cloth diapering will save hundreds of dollars, will biodegrade, and, most importantly, be healthiest for your skin.  i know i'm making the right decision, as every decision, from here on out, will include you and how to give you a happy, healthy, and functional life.  i pray to the universe for mercy, love, and support.  we all need it.
 

a cute dinosaur diaper bag

 

eat local?  love it.  someone that truly listens and knows me and, genuinely, cares.

and speaking of friends, even though this friend and i arent necessarily "close," she's still a funny and kind friend in my life.  she sent this msg to me...  again, at a needed time.  it made me cry.

may you find good people in your life to love you.  ♥

 

United Colors of Darlatton

so, i kind of struggle with what i say...  i talk to you because this space is about them and you and our journey, and like i said before, it keeps me straight, honest, and pure.  but, i follow current events.  i am interested in whats going on in the world.  and its not always good.  so, me being interested in the world, politics, and having an investigative mind puts a strain on how i relate to you...  i dont want to be negative or complain about the state of things, like i can be and do (usually to myself since your dad has not ONE interest in politics or what goes on outside of our own life...  haha.).  i kind of admire him for that since its nearly impossible for me.  i have an activists heart.  i mean, i almost went into the peace corps!  when i was reading people say racist things and supporting the officers that KILLED this man in b-more, i lost it.  the other night, i got really pissed that people were shooting out stats about "the black man has committed more murder than the white man" yada, yada.  its shocking to me how racist people still remain and dont SEE the reasons that there is so much poverty in the cities, etc.  they say, "forget it, there is NO excuse."  except, there is.  there is ALWAYS a reason.  they simply blame the black man for their crimes and refuse to see the big picture.  it seems so easy to do, but guess what?  there is a WAY bigger picture.  and our beloved politicians are usually right behind it.  remember slavery?  well, its had long, long, long term effects to communities.  have you ever tried to make something of yourself out of nothing?  its down right hard.  not everyone can be MLK, as much as you want them to.  it just doesnt work that way.  we need to be realistic.  if you want to throw out stats, lets see how many men of ALL races have died at the hands of the white man all through time.  remember christopher columbus?  he came and murdered indians and we now have a holiday to "celebrate" the carnage.  how awful for the indians.  a celebration of the massacre of their people...  lovely.

now, poverty stricken people in cities are pushed to the brink of society, left to FIGHT their way through poverty, shitty schools, lack of education, etc.  people seem to think that we're all the same.  just work through it.  get over it.  "i came from nothing and look at me!"  i guarantee if you "made it," you had help.  not everyone is so lucky.  if you cant find a job because of racial discrimination, no childcare for your little one, no money - how do you get ahead?  you dont.  so, people turn to crime to survive.  the cycle is gut wrenching. 

so, here is where i am.  i freaked out the other day in front of your dad and he looked at me like i was a lunatic.  but, i get really passionate when i know that people are wrong and being wronged.  i want to protect them.  i want to oust the evil, with everything inside of me...  but, i've learned, this week, that i keep avoiding talking to people that are in staunch opposition to me because they freak out and just want to "shut me up"...  so, i avoid it.  today, after i settled all of the dust in my head from the events, i engaged in conversation with someone that is racist, doesnt understand the politics behind much of this, and is VERY narrow minded.  it was peaceful.  i was diplomatic and we, calmly, volleyed our ideas back and forth. 

i've learned that i can be insanely passionate about something and still discuss, with diplomacy.  some people cant be talked to, i get that...  but, i guess you just feel out with whom you can have level headed discussions and healthy debate. and never debate with people that just have opinions, not facts!  you'll never win.  dont set yourself up for failure.

the six bmore cops are being criminally charged.  as always, i pray for honest justice. 

so, i wont shelter you from much.  i wasnt sheltered.  i saw it all.  and perhaps, its my silver lining in the world of compassion.

xo

Wk 22

 

oh, you're moving alright!  i feel you, more than ever.  my eyes just get really big (i'm buggin out - yo, microphone check, one, two, what is this) and i put my hands on my belly to see if i can feel you from the outside so your dad can feel, too.  we arent quite there yet.  you were super active the other day...  i was starting to get a little worried that you were so restless.  i ended up with acid reflux and feeling odd for the last half of the day...  

...what could you possibly be dreaming about...

hALf bAkEd

Half Baked, you are, literally (half way there)
Bun in the Oven (cute)
Knocked Up (trashy)
Preggers, Preggo (corny)
With Child (very Game of Thrones)
Expecting (standard, very PC)
Pea in the Pod (very east coast)
Incubating (what are you, an egg?)
Baby on Board (a sign)
The Stork is Arriving (cute, but when did storks come about?  i'm certain there is a story.)
Storked (funny)
Marinating (its a baby, not a piece of chicken)
Barefoot and Pregnant (me, almost always.  i love my bare feet.)
Preggie (corny, but i say it...  "my preggie bellers".  i'm a dork.)

 we're thinking of yammering our news, publicly, soon.  i have a funny idea.  coming soon, to a social media outlet near you! (maybe...  you know me and social media...  not best friends)

* * *

You run through the veins of my existence as ever lasting life.

Through the seasons change, you're blossoming and budding into your own tree on earth.

Through pathways and labyrinths and gardens you will weave.

Through avalanches and monsoons and tornadoes you will weather. 

Fear not of organic life, for it is precious.

Here for you, we will always be, my sweet love. 

You're safe.

***

Her Carousel

my little one.

i write all of these words with so many other thoughts spinning in the carousel of my ever-moving mind, yet, i dont know that i'll ever show this to you.  this space.  its pure me.  it, softly, transformed into writings to you, but i know its more of a catharsis for me.  talking to you helps me keep it honest and pure because... i can be wily.  who i am, at my core, and what i show to you will always have boundaries.  i dont live without boundaries - i never have and i never will.  each space gives me freedom to be "free" in it.  work > i keep it professional, even when people are acting insane around me and its "allowed."  friends> i dont have many - but, the best ones allow freedom of self with unconditional companionship, and i dont discuss my love life with them, like many people do.  parents> i tell them so many things, but, again, i dont discuss my love life while toking a bong together.  husband> he knows the most.  and knows things about me that no on earth knows.  he's a best friend.  you will have acquaintance friends and you will have close/best friends.  the difference is monument and your close friends are the ones you're lucky to find, if ever.  you get the point.  boundaries.  i keep things separate and live fully in each of those spaces.  i love to curse and say inappropriate, non-pc things, and my imagination is wild, but again, time and place.  on the same coin, i love to be proper, use impeccable manners, and dress to the nines.  i dont shelter my true self in the comforts of my home.  there is no place like home and its a place i want you to flourish.  if i were to post pieces of my thoughts in a public forum, i would get full-on attacked.  and its not that i cant handle it, because i can, and i'm intelligent enough to feel comfortable doing so, but its more the attitude of Sweet Brown, "aint nobody got time for that."  pick your battles.  which brings me to my mental place, at the moment.  the main place of my majority upbringing can harbor closed minds, lower iq's due to lack of discipline and vision, and a very "red" mindset.  red, meaning, right-wing conservatives.  they're stereotyped as gun-toting, military supporting, country listening, beer drinking, Christian, God fearing republicans that love calling themselves rednecks.  they will shoot you for not supporting the military and their beloved police force, they will puff in pride and yell their staunch opinions in your face, and then tell you to "get over it."  and while i really do love many of the qualities - take no shit attitude, less gov't, i believe in the right to bear arms, etc. - i'm, extremely, independent.  so much so that, i was the only girl invited to a state function in high school and created my own political party with my own platform.  i made history.  i tell people about it, but they dont really get it, and that's okay.  it built personal pride and was a stepping stone to realization of self and of what i was capable.

my mother and i moved around, a lot, while i was growing up.  those moves changed me.  and in nothing but a good way.  i've always been somewhat of a loner and i could always occupy myself, no matter what.  imagination.  it takes you anywhere, and when you have traumatic things happen, you go to those places for solace.  i wasnt stuck, as so many small town folk say, in a small town, with narrow-minded people, with one school to attend, with one bar at which to drink, with everyone knowing every thing about you...  the moves forced me to "friend" several different people at varying times.  i was a friendly little girl, so teachers liked me, and would respond to me positively.  we didnt travel the world, but to me, as a tiny little being, it seemed like it.  through those times, my mind opened.  i saw what my small town friends didnt. 

i saw the stereotyped people play out their lives, right in front of me, and when i went to college, a whole new world opened.  a whole community of people that wanted to "change the world," like me.  i loved it and reveled in it.  i immersed myself in it.  i went to drum circles and butterfly houses and would walk through gardens, alone, and write poetry by the river (yes, we had a river ON campus), and meet people from other countries...  i was expanding.  and i loved it, just like when i was young.  i loved being on my own.  i loved going to art galleries and the library and riding my bike to a chemistry lab and would see plays by myself...  the list goes on.  you have such a world at your hands during those years.

anyway, ive been looking at my fb news feed, and their views are different than mine.  and i mean, things i would never say, things i'm shocked to hear, and things that i'm seeing as being blind.  the people.  they dont know.  they're blind. and where i used to have pure passion to change and open the eyes for the less fortunate, i'm feeling...  hurt.  sad.  they dont know.  they dont see it.  am i delusional?  i dont think so.  i, genuinely, deep in my heart dont think so.  getting into politics is dangerous.  even just discussing oppositional politics with someone can render you friendless.  as i so abruptly learned last week.  (an odd personal situation.)

here is my VERY unpopular opinion on just one, very important, situation this week in news:

 it used to be a very popular and streamlined attitude to trust and respect authority.  in fact, i still do, for the most part.  but, i'm seeing some of the most damning evidence i've ever seen that is changing my own mindset.  and the thing is, when you get to the core of a police force, especially in a bigger city, you see, clearly, the corruption.  remember the show, the wire?  (a crime drama about the drug trade, politics, school systems, etc.)  why is there corruption?  take a guess.  power.  where there is power flows money.  the corrupt politics in any typical police force is staggering.  its always been that you dont need much education to become a police officer.  that - mixed with power - CAN equal a scary formula.  in the case of baltimore, i, personally, see the cause of whats happening as an escalation from the drug war, politics, and a possible rising of martial law.  baltimore is a predominantly black community that has been riddled by drugs and corruption, through the years.

* where are there no jobs in baltimore?  so many have been outsourced to communist lands like china.

* why do the police officers treat the community with no regard and why is there no probable cause when people are policed?  i think because the drug wars rendered rights pointless.  they cracked down on people for simple loitering.  they would pull people over or stop them for looking at them for too long, or if they "fit the stereotype" with their pants too low or a do-rag on their heads.  probable cause has turned into whatever you can lie about in court.  there soon became a BIG disconnect between the community and police.  no one trusted the other.  on both sides.  

* why are the schools so oppressed, rendering education unattainable, making it easier to make money on the streets than honorably?  not enough money is being put into their school systems and when you dont pay teachers at competitive rates, they go to other communities.  uneducated people are, statistically, more likely to go to prison than college.

* why do we use racial slurs when referring to people in impoverished communities?  oh, you mean like thugs?  well, its complicated.  what the general public sees is the rioting.  so, they group them all as showing "thug-like" qualities.  personally, i think its easier to name-call than to find out WHY there is chaos.  i learned a long time ago to get to the bottom of problems and IGNORE the feelings attached.  why are they angry?  why would they loot and cause disarray?  the answers are much deeper than them being thugs.  this has been a long time coming.

* why do police use so much more force than ever when they are supposed to be extensively and professionally trained in proper arrests?  this is a question i cant answer.  but, the divide amongst us has caused a lot of hate and racism.  with anger comes violence.  it just escalates and escalates.  just because you do something wrong doesnt mean you get treated like garbage.  their professionalism is being clouded in hate, corruption, and gov't rule.  there is a professional process and theyre ignoring it.  we've been seeing the police use more force than ever.  people are being shot in their backs.  black men being shot in the streets while RUNNING.  did you catch that?  running.  freddie had his spine severed, his trachea crushed, and then died, as a result.  people are dying.  animals are dying, too.  thats a whole other subject.  they call it collateral damage.  just like in war.  the innocent die if they're in the way.  expect it.  and our friendly neighborhood police are becoming our military.  except, we're the enemy. 

* would this happen in a wealthy, white community?  not in a million years.  their white collar corruption cant be seen by the naked eye.  they're educated, remember?  and money buys more than we will ever comprehend.

* do you support the military?  um, yes and no.  i support the men and women OF the military.  i have family that have and do represent.  i will always love and support them, no matter what.  but i, often, think most young sign-ups are brainwashed, like the american public, to support every single war that we get ourselves into.  we used to fight for freedom and rights.  now, its almost to protect ourselves to live this lavish life that we love.  nations dont love us.  they think we're excessive bullies that seem to meddle in everyones affairs.  we fight for oil that is ruining our health and environment, we fight for planes crashing into our economic epicenter and told lies about it (inside job on our own soil), and we fight for WMD's that were NEVER found.  i see excuses.  i see false flags.  i see a gov't that will stop at nothing because they are psychopaths, by the true, clinical definition (its not me calling them names, but a definitive term.).  i see young people being sent to fight for old, white, wealthy mens agendas.  money, power, position.  

* are you scared?  for humanities long-term future, yes.  but, not personally.  i know who i am.  i take really good care of my soul and am not changed by the evils in life.  i'm the type of person to make mistakes and learn from them.  i grew up.  i found whats important.  they cant infiltrate that.  i want my son to feel the same way.  like a soldier in life, but fighting for what matters and is healthy for life to maintain.  life is hard and more complex than we'll ever know.  but, its also, so incredibly beautiful and simple.  you have a choice, for the most part.  just pay your taxes and be able to take care of yourself, in the meantime. 

* conclusion?  i think the gov't and corporations are puppeting and orchestrating it all.  they make moves that effect us, as a whole, we revolt, and the police react.  that's it.  its a cycle. 

 

when we see photos, like the one below, i think to myself...  you can pick your weapon.  when you come to a protest with machine guns, riot gear, and tanks...  you've made yourself a threat.  they caught police officers on video throwing rocks at people...  a police officer OUT OF UNIFORM was photographed throwing rocks at the crowd.  are they instigating?  i mean, WHAT is going on?  i know good cops.  but, i know even more bad ones.  and that's a fact.  and i'm talking about the facts in my own, personal, life.  the major run-ins that i've had have made me not respect them at all.  from michigan to san diego.  and i dont LIKE feeling that way.  its happened organically.

is this right?  lining up to help the cops?  maybe.  some people ask why they would protect the men who just murdered someone.  i kind of find it funny that they're protecting people with automatic weapons, though.  but, i know they're just trying to make a point.  some call the cops legalized gangsters.  being from cali, i know gangsters.  real gangsters.  the bloods and the crips.  people that came into this life with nothing and found their "family" in the streets.  its a shame.  i want to scoop up everyone that have socioeconomic inequalities and educate them into success.  and i dont mean monetary success.  i mean understanding life.  the true meaning of life.  see beyond the walls of our communities.  i'm a dreamer of peace.  some call it ignorant.  i call it hope.  a lot of soul searching got me there. 

 

and then, there is this lady!  how can we forget her, thanks to the ever circling coverage on the media. 

people were both proud and annoyed by her.  the proud people said, "yes!  good for her!"  "what a good mom!"  "i would do the same thing!"  

 

the annoyed were irritated that people would support someone doing exactly what they're complaining about - using violence for ANY positive result.  "if she were such a 'good mom,' why was her son on the streets causing havoc?" they ask.  "great mom?!?" they yelled.  "yeah, right!  she has 6 kids all by different dads!"  the statements go on and on.  some people were just simply upset that she was hitting him.  

me?  i laughed.  but, then, thought...  *sigh*  this is our current "civilized" society.  messy.  moms hitting, people acting out, gov'ts ruling...  

and crime levels are down, statistically, from 1900 through now.  and why wouldnt they be?  we're a hell of a lot smarter, overall.  our living is the absolute best its ever been.  clean water, plentiful food, companies to provide necessities and workers to create them...  people are busy.  but, if you look at the news, you would think there is no good.  there are millions upon millions of people, but they focus on one or two stories. 

regardless, people have been revolting since the beginning of time.  look at history.  but, things seem to be getting tighter, on the police side.  being a claustrophobic being, i feel the squeeze.  i'm tired of hearing people talk about "black people are the only ones who ever riot," and "why arent the whites rioting," over this or that.  history lesson:  prior to the 1960's, rioting consisted of whites burning down and destroying black communities SIMPLY because they didnt want them there.  just imagine.  and how quickly people forget.  its sad.

really all that i want is this, and some ice cream on a warm summer day:

 

 okay, if you made it this far, i'm impressed!  

love to life, love to the people of b-more, and love to hope.  may it gel the divided and kick the stereotypes.  because, the stereotypes are not always what they seem.  i know the many of my own community are exactly like the said stereotype, but i'm from that same community, and a case in point.  and that is my hope for our gov't, too.

~ Her carousel has ceased ~

Martha Focker