Large Lemon - 2nd Trimester

well, little baby, we made it.  we made it through our first trimester!  no nausea.  amazing, apparently.  just major food aversions (and still!).  its so difficult to eat since NOTHING ever sounds good.  *sigh*  but, i seem to be craving a lot of fruit.  we eat bananas, oranges, kiwis, avocados (a fruit!), cherries, blueberries, and lots of apples!  peanut butter, honey, tons of hard boiled eggs, walnuts, cashews, almonds, red peppers, kale, spinach...  meat sounds awful, but your dad yells at me for avoiding it...  we force feed me chicken and bison with brown rice. (i'm force feeding us, right now - salad and lots of veggies.  and an egg!)

quick FYI - we're listening to jim gaffigan - 4 kids.  =)  hilarious.

so, as much as everything has been smooth sailing, my emotional, or hormonal state, is, clearly, a mess.  but, not to worry, its not all the time.  occasional, with good reason, and very deep issues (perhaps, its not hormone, but just clear reality).  i sat on the ground, last night, while doing laundry and i cried.  hard.  i cried my eyes out.  i did some research on our insurance and read awful stories from the hospital which we are supposed to deliver you.  they have the highest rate of emergency c-sections in the city - 37.7/100 as opposed to the suggested national of 10-15/100.  and, just like a renegade business, they rush the patient through the process.  giving them pitocin within 24 hrs of water breaking, then more drugs, all to set the stage for the c-section.  they want me to induce you to come quicker than you want to.  and i'm not doing it that way.  i flat out refuse.  if i knew more about home births and could afford it, i would.  but, as a first time mom, i'm slightly scared of it.  even though women have been doing it for hundreds of years...  i just wish that we had a strong, knowledgeable woman, nurse, doula, midwife that could shed light on the subject for us.  we seem to be surrounded by big business hospitals with equally uncaring doctors and nurses.  even in my own profession.

our world is getting more difficult by the minute.  even in america, land of the free, our rights are slowly being squeezed.  they want me to vaccinate you, rush you, take you to another room after birth...  i dont want any of this and plan on having a birth plan and can only HOPE to have someone there to enforce our wishes since i'll be in a lot of pain which may cloud judgement.

all that being said, i'm reading ALL that i can and may switch my insurance to a more reputable hospital in the city.  i have one in mind.  the insurance is more expensive, but i cant, in good conscience, put you or me at risk or let anyone take advantage of us.  its too important to me.  i already love you so much.  i'm going to obtain all of the info that i can and make an informed decision.

you've turned me into a fierce protector.  a feeling that i had never felt so strongly.  my little lemon.