3/07/2013. Happy Birthday, Jill

...continued...

trying to find closure on this has been a hell-on-wheels experience.  and i dont mean my feelings surrounding the event.  i mean getting my little girl back into my possession.  i had no idea that i would be forfeiting my daughter and would ONLY be able to get her back into my possession after her tests, by authorizing a mortuary to pick her up and care for her remains.  FUCK.  YOU.  (sorry mom.)  no one told me such VITAL information.  mortuaries and funeral homes are necessary and EXPENSIVE businesses.  great....  *sigh*  i called everywhere...  but, the first place that i called was a place that our best friend was buried in 2010.  it was the only place that i knew by name, and that one place just so happened to be the one, out of hundreds called, that was reasonably priced.  thank you, michael.  you led us there...  the coordinator had the same thing happen to him and his wife.  they were set to have twins, but one didnt make it.  the other one is 31 years old, this year.  this connection helped us not only afford the process, but we received unimaginable amounts of genuine compassion from him.  joseph lemon.  we're grateful to you, in so many ways.

the lab that tested her didnt call me to let me know that her results here in.  i had to call THEM when i finally got fed up with waiting around, with all of these damned feelings lingering in my soul. 

so, here are the results personally transcribed from the report given to me 2/07/2013:

Anatomic Pathology Addendum Report
Accession #:  02-SP-13-0003096
Pathologist:  Arturo Mendoza, M.D.

Results:  abnormal sex chromosome complement: 45, X

Interpretation:  This analysis showed no diagnostic copy number changes for the 22 autosomes.  However, an array profile consistent with only a single X chromosome was identified.  These results likely represent a 45, X karyotype which is associated with Turner syndrome and is a fairly common finding in spontaneous pregnancy loss.

Chromosome X monosomy [FYI - a form of aneuploidy (abnormal # of chromosomes) with the presence of only one chromosome - instead of the typical two in humans - from a pair.  Partial monosomy occurs when only a portion of the chromosome has one copy, while the rest has two copies] is typically do to a sporadic non-disjuction event.  However, there are rare cases in which a parent has a translocation involving chromosome X, which significantly increases the recurrence risk for monosomy X.  A karyotype of both parents can be performed to evaluate for the responsibility of such a translocation.

lehmans terms?  we need a pair of sex chromosomes (XX for girls, XY for boys).  she is missing a X chromosome and would i have gone full term with her, she would have endured an abnormally short stature, ovarian failure, and possibly have mild learning disabilities.  every cell in her body would only have one chromosome.  the X.  cause?  error in fathers sperm or mothers egg.  in 75-80% of cases, the single X chromosome comes from the mother's egg; the father's sperm that fertilizes the egg is missing its sex chromosome.

a female fetus (normally XX) can survive with only one X chromosome, but a male fetus (normally XY) could not survive with only one Y chromosome. this is because not having an X chromosome is much worse than not having a Y chromosome. the Y chromosome carries very few genes essential for life.  in contrast, the X chromosome is a much longer DNA molecule and contains many, many genes that are needed for cells to function.

i was, initially, reluctant to have her cremated, but upon my buddhist study, it is mandated, which made me feel better.  the cremation symbolizes a sense of detachment in that, the soul of the departed is set free from bondage. buddhists believe that attachment towards the dead is detrimental to the progress of the soul in seeking a new life after death.  buddhists believe in Samsara (cycle of birth and death) until they reach salvation through Nirvana.

our daughter is set for her cremation tomorrow, 3/08/2013.  we signed all of the papers today, which is jills, my husbands late mother, birthday.  she passed in 2010.  our friend, michael, was the first to tell him of the news, and michael passed three months later, and is buried where our daughter is set for cremation tomorrow...  our crazy universe....

happy birthday, jill.

thank you, michael.

and i love you, alexis parker.

may we all be as free as you, one day.