i survived the weekend! with friends in town that like to party, its hard to be the odd one out and not drink and have fun like my usual self! its kind of refreshing though. the older i get, the less i like to drink. though, i truly love and miss WINE! mmm... i had a glass on saturday. dont tell anyone.
the doctor that i found for myself completely flaked on me, not calling me back for 10 full days after i had told them that i had a cali script that was about to run-out - directly related to my pregnancy. i have a million choice words for them, but am trying to clean up my mouth that loves to curse and call people names in anger. "breathe, d. center yourself and be a class act." ug, so freakin' hard sometimes. the world seems so lost. i used to be compassionate and feel sorry for "the lost souls,", but now i'm just getting frustrated at the blatent disconnect and brain washing. there comes a point when you have to open your mind and eyes. we cant be blind and dumb our whole lives. i called my cali doc and she refilled me asap. ASAP! totally love and miss her. she was so kind to me during the hardest days of my life with a loving bedside manner that all doctors should be trained to have... props.
silver lining? yep! i called my local midwifery and left dr. cornflake in the dust. she's called 13 times, since, but gets no love. i'll probably just write her a quick, simple letter of the importance of efficiency. i'm the wrong person to leave hanging. i'm a scorpio. screw me over with things so vitally important in my and my families life and i'll leave you behind with no regrets and keep moving to my sacred goal. aint nobody got time fo' that! (lady in the hood with a soda...)
we're going to orientation this week and i pray that its for what i'm looking. literally, i prayed. its weird, i'm a self-proclaimed deist, but still feel compelled to pray. if anything, it helps me sort through my own minds thoughts. and whats even weirder is that, last night while i started praying, i prayed to "the universe," like i normally do. i wondered, "if i do that, will ANY entity in the universe show up and infiltrate my wishes?" weird thought, but it made me stop and pray to god, instead. yes, i know, it should be capitalized... God. whatever. minor details. i feel like a damned hypocrite, but i was raised in a church with my grandfather as the preacher. people that are religious fanatics scare me. "praise jesus! oh, thank you, sweet jesus! i know you were with me when i won that football game! praise the lord!" (hands in the air, eyes closed, waiving around.) scary. stop it. YOU helped win that football game. god probably doesnt even condone football, much less have a hand in helping you win a freakin' trophy! and more-over, there are more lessons in LOSING that just getting a trophy. have some modesty. they scare me. .....rant over..... i digress. i have issues. lots of them. and they're legitimate issues and concerns. so, i just do my best. i always pray for guidance with it.
anyway -
i may even have a water birth! we'll see. i just want to hear our babies heartbeat, at this point.
one day at a time, my little love.
♥
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