off to the races

i should probably talk to you.  there is SO much to say, that isnt the issue...

time, circumstance, feelings...  as said before, i dont know if i'll ever allow you to see this...  time will tell.  what if blogger doesnt exist when you're an adult?  no matter what, i'll always have my memories to share.  i remember every single little thing you do.

i may go in and out of time-frames, with things, so i'll try to reference that.

* * * * *

i love you so much...  its outrageous.  i guess, i'm made for this because i was fearful of having postpartum or having feelings of neglect or so many other awful things new mothers experience.  i'm deeply, deeply in love with you.  i think of you before i think of myself for EVERYTHING.

when i get up in the morning, its not to brush my hair or shower or pick out my clothes, but, rather, ensure you're still sleeping to maximize your healing-time, rest, and sufficient sleep for the day.  to change you immediately, if needed.  to pick-out your clothes to wear, your back-up outfits for the day, ensure you have 3-4 clean, cloth diapers, make fresh wipes for you (baby cloths with my homemade formula of 90% water, some natural witch hazel, 1TB of bronners baby hemp soap, and a few drops of lavender and tea tree essential oils).  make your lunch, bottle, and snacks.  today, you had antibiotic-free ham, green beans w/ olive oil, grass-fed whole milk, and your little greek yogurt yogi's.  i was rushed so would have added some carrots or celery sticks.  everyone wants me to give you carbs, but i'm so picky about them...  i dont like whole wheat or white flour, so am using alternatives.  i bought oat bread made of oat flour, tapioca flour, potato flour, etc., so may use that, here and there.  and i got some ancient grains noodles to add some sauce and meatballs for you.  you arent running marathons, so i dont worry about carbs, too much.  mostly veggies and proteins and healthy fats.

then, i get myself together - usually, slathering coconut oil on my face, brushing my teeth with my homemade tooth powder (baking soda, clay, salt, ground egg shells, charcoal, and some eo's), throwing my mane into a bun (shocker!), dressing myself, grabbing a homemade morning bar or egg cup to eat at work, wiping my coconut oiled face with a hot wash cloth, and THEN waking you up with lots of kisses as you cry because you hate early mornings, like me, change your bottom, wipe you down from the nights sleep, dress you, brush your adorable hair, sit you on the counter and go through our morning routine:  you have a slight cold, right now, so:  oregano oil/coconut oil on your feet covered with socks, cod liver oil added to your probiotic (you like the taste), a spoonful of coconut oil, and a spoonful of manuka honey.

in the car, you love to hold something, so i give you your coveted straw (any straw will do!) and place your long-armed monkey on your lap that i got for you when we flew into chicago to see my parents when you were seven months (you learned to crawl, that week!).

you LOVE LOVE LOVE music and wiggle around to it ALL.  i listen to bob dylan, bob marley, radiohead, massive attack, various spotify playlists...  you dance in your car seat and its the most heartwarming thing i could ever imagine, in the mornings.  you brighten my day and i hate dropping you off to leave you ALL DAY.  it breaks my heart.

you have such a fun/spunky and sweet disposition with an air of contemplation.  often, when i mock your actions, you'll giggle and mock me back.  you're ticklish everywhere, you laugh easily, just like me, you love to play hide and seek with simple things like a pillow or cushion, and when we're in crowds, you get just like me and reserve yourself and observe.

you've been running through the house sounding nothing but babble, and when you see me, you run to me and jump into my lap, giggling.  if i died right then, i would be the happiest person alive.

moms life has been extremely complicated, in the last few years, and you have, single-handedly, given me more than i ever imagined.  i would not have known a parents love for a child without you.  i never would have understood how deep love can, truly, go.  unconditional.  knowing you're responsible for someones entire life...  its amazing.  and you're beautiful.  inside and out.

okay, enough for today.  you turned 15months on thursday and i bought you a wooden bead maze.  we didnt play at home, but i made sure you had fun, no matter what.  i always create a peaceful sanctuary for you.

always.

xo