Lets Get Toasted Together, Next Month

hi, babybubba

its been a very long time since i've talked to you here.  i contemplate it constantly and, sometimes, integrate it into other venues. 

you're 20 months, today, and more beautiful than ever.  you're a dream, to me, and i love you more than all of the kisses you'll ever receive from me, in life.  AND THAT'S A LOT.  i'm a kisser.  i'm enormously drawn to scents of things.  we had a cat, when you were born, named oakley, and he was about 15 years old (would have been 16 in april of 2016) when we had to put him down (old age, loss of bowel control, etc.) and i loved giving him kisses on his head because of his scent.  when i would plant the kisses, i would breathe him in.  same with you.  your sweet, delicate baby skin is for what i live, these days. 

i've been working with you on several things: 

• common words - colors, numbers, animals, and toys.  you call all animals mama (so cute!) and you recognize all round things as a ball.
• recognizing when you have to use the potty - you point to your diaper and i bought you a potty chair to start the process (even though i know it wont be for a few months).  each time you point, i pick you up and place you on your chair.  unless, you point and then run straight to the bedroom and up on the bed to be changed, haha.  you're smart.
• being kind - sharing, handing things instead of throwing them, saying please, thank you, and you're welcome...  

i dont push you, too much, on anything.  i listen to your signals, i wait until you feel comfortable with things...  i see other parents push for "markers."  i wont do that with you.  i'm letting you be my guide and going from there.  if i see you falling behind in a major way, THEN i'll push harder, but you havent been behind in anything.

we're still nursing, on demand, we're still co-sleeping, and you eat a lot of cheese!

you're a lover.  you give hugs at request or whenever you're feeling like it.  your little arms will get thrown around my neck at randoms times.  you fell, one time, across the room and i clapped and said, "good fall!  hugs and kisses to you!"  you came running over and hugged me and gave me kisses.  of course i loved it so much i flung you in the air, made you giggle, and then, smothered you in my own kisses.

you started saying, "mine," yesterday, so i've been explaining to you things that are truly yours and sometimes MINE.  you dont say it with malice or ill intent...  i expect you picked it up from daycare.  i watched that little girl hit you, one day, when you were trying to play with her.  i'm not beyond punting a small child.  haha.  just kidding.  your daycare lady handled it properly, having her apologize to you and then picking you up.  you're a very sweet and sensitive child, so things as this affect you.  i'm listening.  all of your emotions matter to me.  every single one of them and i'll never make you feel as if they dont.

i'm here for you.  and just the simple thought of your beautiful face makes me cry.

you're my everything ♥♥♥

the crud with a side of super full moon

you've had a cough since right before we went to mexico.  i didnt worry too much about it since it was the only symptom you had - no fever, no coughing up anything, high spirits...  but, it lingered, just as they said it would, for awhile.  i didnt like it.  i started researching like a mad-mama about how to clear it.  here is what i came up with as our ritual:

right before bed:

• oregano oil on your feet mixed with a little coconut oil, covered in socks
• magnesium oil rubbed on your back, tummy, and legs
• homemade "vicks" rubbed on your chest (since the other garbage is garbage - petroleum or some sheez) - coconut oil mixed with a few drops of eucalyptus, tea tree, lavender, and chamomile
• saline spray in your nose
• a spoon full of antibacterial, antiseptic, antifungal manuka honey to soothe your throat and help your "cold"
• humidifier all night.  CO is dry.

 morning:

•  fresh oregano feet, again
• probiotic mixed with your cod liver oil
•  spoon full of honey
• ball of coconut oil (you LOVE coconut oil.  i try not to give you too much d/t saturated fat, but a little is okay)
• saline spray in your nose and a good wipe

i bought the nosefrida, but havent used it.  that thing is crazy.  you dont really like being "messed" with - squirt up your nose, wiping, etc. (who does!?) - so, you cry.  you have dramatic tendencies, but i like it because it means youre sensitive.  i feel badly and give you TONS of love and kisses to help ease the mess.

verdict?  since i've been attacking this cold, you've progressively gotten better.  the only thing that is lingering, at this point, is your stuffy nose at night.  we woke at 4am to saline your nose since you couldnt breathe to nurse, properly.  yes, we still nurse.  yes, we still co-sleep.  attachment parenting, at its finest.  i love you.  critics can step.

i, also, bought some elderberries and will make syrup for the rest of the cold season and will add it to our morning ritual. 

you're so incredible.  you laugh easily, you're giving high fives, you're pointing at everything and saying, "du?"  i explain all at which you point.  you pointed at the moon, yesterday.  the super full moon. 

Next Supermoon December 2016

The next Supermoon will be on December 14, 2016.
The Supermoon on November 14, 2016, was the closest since January 26, 1948. The next time a Full Moon is even closer to Earth will be on November 25, 2034 (dates based on UTC time).

anyway, "the crud" is what i noticed grandma o says.  its how she explains her being ill.  ha.  i dont like the sound of the word, but its her way!  she's becoming eccentric, just like great gram.  i cant even imagine how i'll be at 70-80.  oh boy!


* * * * *

* what am i listening to?   my spotify playlist.  dramarama:  anything, anything
* what are you wearing today?  your father has you.  camo pants, blue skull tank
* what are you grubbing?  we'll see.  he gave you bananas, which you, normally, house, but said you werent too into it, today.  he said, "mirk."  i had to buy horizon organic since we were at target.  i prefer organic valley grass-fed, which only natural grocers has.  oh well.  i'm hoping he gives you a slammer (a miracle pouch we found at target with LOTS of protein and organic ingredients), some green beans, and maybe some cottage cheese, your fave.

love you, little bear

back for the holidays

i thought it best to make a "closing" of 2016.  its not every moment and never will be, but its a few, tender-moment-highlights in which we can look back.

i'll try to post a few of my favorite videos, soon. 

i've been slacking, i know.  but, its been on purpose.  so, is it really slacking?

happy december, my sweet.

Happy Day of Birth, Week One

The weekend before you were born, I knew you would come soon.  I started feeling progress that Saturday, and on Sunday, the contractions were getting closer and stronger.  Sunday night, I was on my hands and knees, in the cat/cow yoga position, to help take pressure off my pelvis and encourage you to move into position so not to be born breach.  The contractions happened all through the night and, eventually, got to within three minutes.  I called our birthing center, in anticipation of our birth, but they said it still wasnt close enough.  !  Behold, they were correct.  The contractions slowed and I was back to "normal" on Monday morning.  The contractions picked back up on Monday night and I didnt sleep all night.  I stayed on the floor, next to our bed, in a kneeling, praying, yoga position and slowly breathed-in every single contraction and pushed-out with calm ease.  "Work with the process and dont let it consume you," was my mantra.  I rode every contraction with hopeful feelings.  I was that much closer to meeting this precious life for which I had been watering, feeding, loving and praying for YEARS.  Early Tuesday morning, my water broke.  I didnt want to go too early and just sit around NOT at home, so I held on, as long as I could, listening to you and my body.  When I could hardly catch a breath, I knew it was time.  We called the center and they said to come in.  I sat in the back seat while your father drove to the birthing center that I had been going to since your inception.  The women are all so kind, knowledgeable about births, in particular, and all slightly hippie-ish; sporting handmade dresses, nose rings, and dreadlocks.

Breathe, breathe, breathe...

By the time we got to the center, I could barely walk, without support, because the contractions were so close.

Breathe, breathe, breathe...

You, just after 10:40a.  

We arrived at 8:20a, settled into our hand-picked suite with a nice big bed and warmly colored walls, and patiently waited.  I packed lots of coconut water, tea, trailmix, and essential oils to help calm me.  The three nurses worked as a team and kept me in constant motion, using various techniques and skills to encourage delivery.  And, even though your father was on his phone (dont ever do this when your wife is giving birth - be 100% in the moment), he had one hand on me, massaging and easing my lower back pain.  The room was as quiet and peaceful as the warm CO mountain air and beautiful blue sky.  Just when I didnt think you would come with how I was pushing, you crowned.  At that moment, I knew all of my work was paying off.  When the nurse said, "I feel his head right here, hon.  Give me one, big push.  Head down, hips forward."  I was in a low, squatting position (not on my back) to allow gravity to work with us, and with all of my might, I breathed in, held my breath for second, and pushed out, with aaaall that I could muster...  You slid out into the world, with perfect ease, into their towel.  They, carefully, guided me back to the bed and placed you directly on my chest, skin to skin, exactly how I wanted it.  You were perfect and I couldnt contain my tears of joy.  We lay together on the bed in complete awe and love as the blood from the umbilical cord pump every last drop.  After much time, they asked if your father would like to cut the cord.  It was an emotional moment for me because I had been with you for so long, attached.  But, you were here, now, and I had to share you with everyone, for the first time.  Everyone would get to experience the deep love that I had created with you.  You had so much beautiful, dark hair on your head and light layer of lanugo, which, I was told, would go away within a few weeks.  I didnt care.  You were perfect.  No birth marks, all 10 fingers and toes, barely uttering a sound...  Just sweet and content to be with us holding you. 

After the cord was cut, they gave you a full screening to ensure everything was okay.  They stamped your feet and made an 8x10

grandma c, in love with you.  she wouldnt allow me to put you down.  she would always say, "no, no, no!  right here.  put him right here." reaching out.  

day one

you seem to have a fascination for your hands.  even in utero.  i love it.

snapper toes

serene and peaceful

moms photo shoot, day 4

meeting grandpa c for the first time.  day 7

my life

sEvEn

hi, little bear.  i'm trying!  your mom is complex human, it seems, but not really. 

see?  ha.

you're seven months, today, and i'm loving you more and more, every single day.  its amazing.  i took you to your pediatrician appt yesterday and got a few vaccines for you...  im sorry, and i hope i didnt do the wrong thing.  vaccs make me sick to think about, but if you were to obtain an illness, i would never, ever forgive myself.  ever.  i'm weighing my options, i'm being cautious, i'm delaying them, i'm spreading them out, and i'm only getting you VITAL vaccs.  things that could kill you. 

flu?  please.  i'm not so stupid as to not know how to give you a strong immune system.  no flu shots.  and if you get the flu, we'll care for you and you'll have a STRONGER immune system because of it.

anyway, i cried my eyes out, all the way home, with you in the back sleeping to the sounds of the ocean from the sound machine i bought for you.

i prayed.  i cried.  i love you.

happy seven months, my little prince.

i'll be back ♥

You are the Sunshine of My Life

3/2016

okay, here we go...

you've been teething, my poor little sweet.  and last night, for the first time, you wrapped your arms around my neck and i've never felt more love!  i've been co-sleeping with you, since birth, and i never want you to leave.  i find so much comfort in knowing, should you need anything in the night, i'm right there, curled around you.  i sleep pretty light, so i never worry of "rolling" on you, like many people talk about.  if your father drinks, i just put myself between you and him and hold on tight so you dont roll off the bed (or put a pillow).  its not ideal, when that happens, but we do what we have to do.  youve been a pretty young teether, so your molars are coming in strong and causing a few meltdowns.  nothing to badly, but more than your other teeth.  you have, honestly, been so good with them, overall, so i'm thrilled with the progress.

chalk up another easy transition for you.  

Late Dec 2015, Early 2016

an extremely eccentric blanket made by a lady who used to bring morning burritos to my work office.  she was so sweet.  bronco colors, of course.

spending time with the late oakley.  RIP as of 12/22/2015.

one of your first times "trying" to hold your bottle.

your precious hand

my preferred method of transportation, for you, around the house.  a scarf!

hop til you drop!

playing with your blue monster, generously given by a family we adore in sd.  i love them, and they and their children loved you.  when flying out of san diego for christmas 2015, we swung by their house for a full seafood boil.  it was not only kind, but it made me miss good friends.  he looks like bob marleys cousin and she looks like an angel whom spent time in the peace corps.  cheers to the good people of the world. 

mama took you to the pet store to see some animals, for the first time.

your caregiver suddenly bailed on us and decided she couldnt handle a daycare, any longer, and i had to scramble to find someone else.  my boss offered his wife to care for you for the day while i made over 150 telephone calls to find a new daycare for you.  i was elated to have such a compassionate boss to help in such a pinch.  you had fun and i found something new. 

you love your feet!!!  since birth.  haha.  =)

your cute little baby body.  i tried out a disposable diaper once.  organic and biodegradable, of course. 

rockin' in february

spring stroll with the geese

trees

kisses in the park

we made valentines day "art" for our close family.

 

my love

it, almost, looks like he's flipping off the camera, but his finger is caught around my hair.  ;)

 you LOVE mirrors and kissing yourself.  i dont blame you!

this is one of my absolute favorite pics.  i cant say why, but i love your sweet face.  you look fresh, kept, and innocent.  this is your dads bear from when he was a boy.  your face.  i'm obsessed.

your old caretaker, debbie, had oxygen/lung issues and you used to "chew" her cannula.  she loved you so much and didnt care.  i adored her.  i miss her.  she taught you how to get off the couch safely.

i think you were a gerbil, in your past life.  you eat ALL paper in sight!  and i mean EAT.  not nibble, INGEST.

so little

more delicious feet!

my favorite diaper of yours.  blue cashmere.  and your Baltic amber teething necklace.  you look like such a "dude," in this pic, but you're so not. 

three, two thousand sixteen

some of your first times standing. 

 mom eats a lot of fresh tumeric and got some on her hands, which transferred to your cute panda outfit.  whoops!

you LOVED grabbing your feet in your first year.  i bought some himalayan salt lamps to quell allergies and clean the air.

an outfit i got to celebrate your 6months.  all of those animals were gifts. 
~ clockwise ~
mouse: grandma c,
windup lamb: grandma c,
hanging monkey: yo mama,
blue monster: the bains,
hanging lion:  yo mama,
elephant:  first small toy ever from yo mama, c
hameleon:  grandma c.

off to the races

i should probably talk to you.  there is SO much to say, that isnt the issue...

time, circumstance, feelings...  as said before, i dont know if i'll ever allow you to see this...  time will tell.  what if blogger doesnt exist when you're an adult?  no matter what, i'll always have my memories to share.  i remember every single little thing you do.

i may go in and out of time-frames, with things, so i'll try to reference that.

* * * * *

i love you so much...  its outrageous.  i guess, i'm made for this because i was fearful of having postpartum or having feelings of neglect or so many other awful things new mothers experience.  i'm deeply, deeply in love with you.  i think of you before i think of myself for EVERYTHING.

when i get up in the morning, its not to brush my hair or shower or pick out my clothes, but, rather, ensure you're still sleeping to maximize your healing-time, rest, and sufficient sleep for the day.  to change you immediately, if needed.  to pick-out your clothes to wear, your back-up outfits for the day, ensure you have 3-4 clean, cloth diapers, make fresh wipes for you (baby cloths with my homemade formula of 90% water, some natural witch hazel, 1TB of bronners baby hemp soap, and a few drops of lavender and tea tree essential oils).  make your lunch, bottle, and snacks.  today, you had antibiotic-free ham, green beans w/ olive oil, grass-fed whole milk, and your little greek yogurt yogi's.  i was rushed so would have added some carrots or celery sticks.  everyone wants me to give you carbs, but i'm so picky about them...  i dont like whole wheat or white flour, so am using alternatives.  i bought oat bread made of oat flour, tapioca flour, potato flour, etc., so may use that, here and there.  and i got some ancient grains noodles to add some sauce and meatballs for you.  you arent running marathons, so i dont worry about carbs, too much.  mostly veggies and proteins and healthy fats.

then, i get myself together - usually, slathering coconut oil on my face, brushing my teeth with my homemade tooth powder (baking soda, clay, salt, ground egg shells, charcoal, and some eo's), throwing my mane into a bun (shocker!), dressing myself, grabbing a homemade morning bar or egg cup to eat at work, wiping my coconut oiled face with a hot wash cloth, and THEN waking you up with lots of kisses as you cry because you hate early mornings, like me, change your bottom, wipe you down from the nights sleep, dress you, brush your adorable hair, sit you on the counter and go through our morning routine:  you have a slight cold, right now, so:  oregano oil/coconut oil on your feet covered with socks, cod liver oil added to your probiotic (you like the taste), a spoonful of coconut oil, and a spoonful of manuka honey.

in the car, you love to hold something, so i give you your coveted straw (any straw will do!) and place your long-armed monkey on your lap that i got for you when we flew into chicago to see my parents when you were seven months (you learned to crawl, that week!).

you LOVE LOVE LOVE music and wiggle around to it ALL.  i listen to bob dylan, bob marley, radiohead, massive attack, various spotify playlists...  you dance in your car seat and its the most heartwarming thing i could ever imagine, in the mornings.  you brighten my day and i hate dropping you off to leave you ALL DAY.  it breaks my heart.

you have such a fun/spunky and sweet disposition with an air of contemplation.  often, when i mock your actions, you'll giggle and mock me back.  you're ticklish everywhere, you laugh easily, just like me, you love to play hide and seek with simple things like a pillow or cushion, and when we're in crowds, you get just like me and reserve yourself and observe.

you've been running through the house sounding nothing but babble, and when you see me, you run to me and jump into my lap, giggling.  if i died right then, i would be the happiest person alive.

moms life has been extremely complicated, in the last few years, and you have, single-handedly, given me more than i ever imagined.  i would not have known a parents love for a child without you.  i never would have understood how deep love can, truly, go.  unconditional.  knowing you're responsible for someones entire life...  its amazing.  and you're beautiful.  inside and out.

okay, enough for today.  you turned 15months on thursday and i bought you a wooden bead maze.  we didnt play at home, but i made sure you had fun, no matter what.  i always create a peaceful sanctuary for you.

always.

xo

Gargoyles and Starting Fresh

okay, so it seems that i'm still struggling with writing to you...  its that privacy/openness fight on which i am constantly teetering.  *eye roll*  i've decided to start from today and move forward...  one day, soon, i'll make one big post on your first months of life.  they were incredibly meaningful to me and you've been beyond a dream, so i owe it to you to understand your roots.  focusing on you during those days was all that was important to me. 

for now, just, i love you.  xo

* * *
one of my favorite pieces of art by michael parkes.  his artwork is very cirque de soleil.  dreamy.  i love this one for the innocence of the girl, whom obviously woke from her slumber to play with her strong and muscular gate keepers.  i love the contrast of the fierce gargoyles and tenderness of the sleepy, playful girl, her bubbles, jump rope, and bear.

we found a permanent caretaker for you through july and she has a michael parkes print on her wall above her mantle.  i was so surprised to see it!  she had forgotten the name of the painting and i let her know - Eternity. 

announcement

this is how we announced you to our fb "friends"

we waited until well into my second trimester to share with anyone.  we even contemplated telling our family until possible third tri. because of what happened, prior.  i was fearful of further grief and embarrassment.  it had happened twice, already.  we told close family and asked them not to announce it until we do and most everyone was good with it.  except your grandma o.  she took to fb and told hundreds of her "friends."  i felt slightly betrayed, but knew she was just excited.  we've always had differences in our privacy.  she is open, i am closed.  i had to explain that we, as your parents, thought it appropriate to make the announcement - no one else.  it was why we didnt want to share with anyone. 

when you deal with so much pain, it gets overwhelming having every single person talk to you about it.  and, if a loss were to happen again, i wasnt ready to talk with everyone about it.  again.

but, it all worked out.  ♥