i'm soooo tired... ALL the time... but, for very good reason. =)
when you've, personally, been through so much tragedy, its extremely difficult to find pure peace. no one that hasnt been through it will absolutely never understand. i see women get pregnant, love or hate their entire pregnancies (i've seen both sides! some people are so miserable), and birth their beautiful baby, never knowing what could have happened and never experiencing the loss that can bring you closer than ever to your baby. i, sometimes, fear that. getting too close to my baby because of the tragedies i've experienced. i dont want to smother-love my baby because of the loss of the others. i'm aware. keenly aware. i dont want to take anything away from a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.
so, i'm trying to be calm. i'm trying to not worry about every little ping and pang that happens in my belly that, before, meant contractions, starting minor and gradually getting stronger and more painful, leading to a death inside of me. its happened twice, and both times have been painful. and both times i was alone. locked away from the world. the recluse in me shines brightly in times of pain. i was born this way. i cant be near one other person, no matter how much i love them. i always feel badly for THEM because they dont understand. my mother used to try to make me talk things out and i couldnt. thats her, not me. i'm painfully private. its just a natural force inside me and the force is strong. i love the world so deeply, but i need to face certain things on my own. it has nothing to do with love, but rather my spiritual being. freedom within myself.
i almost passed out with alexis. i just kept focus, i kept breathing, and i kept telling myself, "i'm a woman. an incredibly strong woman with a high pain tolerance. i'm designed to do this. breathe." so, when i have strong, sharp pains inside of me, i stand guard. everything stops. i cant hear anything. i sit very still, like the air on a mid-year day in the dead of summer. i listen to my body. i look for exits. i plan how to get home if i'm out. once i know that the feeling is nothing similar to before, i breathe-easy. touch my belly and say, "stay with me, love."
calm. breathe deep and remain calm. you will come to us.
* * *
songs played as write:
george michael - kissing a fool
tears for fears - head over heels
devo - whip it
the clash - rock the casbah
duran duran - dont say a prayer for me now
kool & the gang - too hot
10:45a at work. alone. boss sick, co-worker out.
drinking my daily tea - warm water, tumeric, cayenne, cinnamon, raw honey. ran out of lemon and ginger.
eating an organic banana w/ cashew butter and almonds.
snow has melted. its 39 and partly cloudy. it was 65 earlier this wk. crazy. the weather is pretty mild here, overall. but, "they say" it snows through march and april? hm. how are flowers supposed to grow with snow falling from the sky... the only way to know is see for yourself.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Hi. Please, tell me third time is a charm. Its my favorite #.
(clears throat... even though she's typing...)
we're back.
i, believe, that i'm 8wks along... i'm not 100% positive, but i know almost exact dates... last cycle, possible date of conception... 12/04/14. 12/09-12/14...
so, my precious love took the liberty of buying us "sticks" in bulk to test ovulation times, possible pregnancy times... we've been using them for the last year and they've been pretty accurate. when i felt like it was certain, i went to the store to get an OTC test - clear blue easy. mind you, the EPT test was 44 dollar and this test was 14. i stood there staring at the cost difference and pondering how in the hell they could be so far different.
"how much technology could possibly be SO different in each LITTLE container?!?" google it. so, i did. they said they're all basically the same. why did i pick the cheaper one? 99.7% accuracy right there on the package.
sold.
go through self pay line, off i go home. wait... i have to go to the bathroom so badly right now... should i take the test now? hell no! not in a supermarket! but, i have to go soo badly! screw it. i'm over being a snob, about certain things. food? yes. curtains? yes. mauve carpet and couches? yes. this? no. i want to know because i'm too excited PLUS, i have to go to the bathroom and have been holding it forever, making it prime-time for the test results.
off i went. bathroom empty, thank the lords. here goes a very long three minutes...
"i cant believe i'm standing here in a public bathroom doing this. who cares! shut up and grow up. i have to lay this thing flat... i'm NOT setting it anywhere weird... how about here, on the top of the paper dispenser with a piece of toilet paper under it..."
three minutes later...
"pregnant - 1-3 weeks"
i was elated! happiness rushed over me and i crammed everything in my purse, ran out the bathroom to my car and couldnt stop smiling. i, absolutely, could not wait to tell my bear!
we're back.
i, believe, that i'm 8wks along... i'm not 100% positive, but i know almost exact dates... last cycle, possible date of conception... 12/04/14. 12/09-12/14...
so, my precious love took the liberty of buying us "sticks" in bulk to test ovulation times, possible pregnancy times... we've been using them for the last year and they've been pretty accurate. when i felt like it was certain, i went to the store to get an OTC test - clear blue easy. mind you, the EPT test was 44 dollar and this test was 14. i stood there staring at the cost difference and pondering how in the hell they could be so far different.
"how much technology could possibly be SO different in each LITTLE container?!?" google it. so, i did. they said they're all basically the same. why did i pick the cheaper one? 99.7% accuracy right there on the package.
sold.
go through self pay line, off i go home. wait... i have to go to the bathroom so badly right now... should i take the test now? hell no! not in a supermarket! but, i have to go soo badly! screw it. i'm over being a snob, about certain things. food? yes. curtains? yes. mauve carpet and couches? yes. this? no. i want to know because i'm too excited PLUS, i have to go to the bathroom and have been holding it forever, making it prime-time for the test results.
off i went. bathroom empty, thank the lords. here goes a very long three minutes...
"i cant believe i'm standing here in a public bathroom doing this. who cares! shut up and grow up. i have to lay this thing flat... i'm NOT setting it anywhere weird... how about here, on the top of the paper dispenser with a piece of toilet paper under it..."
three minutes later...
"pregnant - 1-3 weeks"
i was elated! happiness rushed over me and i crammed everything in my purse, ran out the bathroom to my car and couldnt stop smiling. i, absolutely, could not wait to tell my bear!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
3/07/2013. Happy Birthday, Jill
...continued...
trying to find closure on this has been a hell-on-wheels experience. and i dont mean my feelings surrounding the event. i mean getting my little girl back into my possession. i had no idea that i would be forfeiting my daughter and would ONLY be able to get her back into my possession after her tests, by authorizing a mortuary to pick her up and care for her remains. FUCK. YOU. (sorry mom.) no one told me such VITAL information. mortuaries and funeral homes are necessary and EXPENSIVE businesses. great.... *sigh* i called everywhere... but, the first place that i called was a place that our best friend was buried in 2010. it was the only place that i knew by name, and that one place just so happened to be the one, out of hundreds called, that was reasonably priced. thank you, michael. you led us there... the coordinator had the same thing happen to him and his wife. they were set to have twins, but one didnt make it. the other one is 31 years old, this year. this connection helped us not only afford the process, but we received unimaginable amounts of genuine compassion from him. joseph lemon. we're grateful to you, in so many ways.
the lab that tested her didnt call me to let me know that her results here in. i had to call THEM when i finally got fed up with waiting around, with all of these damned feelings lingering in my soul.
so, here are the results personally transcribed from the report given to me 2/07/2013:
Anatomic Pathology Addendum Report
Accession #: 02-SP-13-0003096
Pathologist: Arturo Mendoza, M.D.
Results: abnormal sex chromosome complement: 45, X
Interpretation: This analysis showed no diagnostic copy number changes for the 22 autosomes. However, an array profile consistent with only a single X chromosome was identified. These results likely represent a 45, X karyotype which is associated with Turner syndrome and is a fairly common finding in spontaneous pregnancy loss.
Chromosome X monosomy [FYI - a form of aneuploidy (abnormal # of chromosomes) with the presence of only one chromosome - instead of the typical two in humans - from a pair. Partial monosomy occurs when only a portion of the chromosome has one copy, while the rest has two copies] is typically do to a sporadic non-disjuction event. However, there are rare cases in which a parent has a translocation involving chromosome X, which significantly increases the recurrence risk for monosomy X. A karyotype of both parents can be performed to evaluate for the responsibility of such a translocation.
lehmans terms? we need a pair of sex chromosomes (XX for girls, XY for boys). she is missing a X chromosome and would i have gone full term with her, she would have endured an abnormally short stature, ovarian failure, and possibly have mild learning disabilities. every cell in her body would only have one chromosome. the X. cause? error in fathers sperm or mothers egg. in 75-80% of cases, the single X chromosome comes from the mother's egg; the father's sperm that fertilizes the egg is missing its sex chromosome.
a female fetus (normally XX) can survive with only one X chromosome, but a male fetus (normally XY) could not survive with only one Y chromosome. this is because not having an X chromosome is much worse than not having a Y chromosome. the Y chromosome carries very few genes essential for life. in contrast, the X chromosome is a much longer DNA molecule and contains many, many genes that are needed for cells to function.
i was, initially, reluctant to have her cremated, but upon my buddhist study, it is mandated, which made me feel better. the cremation symbolizes a sense of detachment in that, the soul of the departed is set free from bondage. buddhists believe that attachment towards the dead is detrimental to the progress of the soul in seeking a new life after death. buddhists believe in Samsara (cycle of birth and death) until they reach salvation through Nirvana.
our daughter is set for her cremation tomorrow, 3/08/2013. we signed all of the papers today, which is jills, my husbands late mother, birthday. she passed in 2010. our friend, michael, was the first to tell him of the news, and michael passed three months later, and is buried where our daughter is set for cremation tomorrow... our crazy universe....
trying to find closure on this has been a hell-on-wheels experience. and i dont mean my feelings surrounding the event. i mean getting my little girl back into my possession. i had no idea that i would be forfeiting my daughter and would ONLY be able to get her back into my possession after her tests, by authorizing a mortuary to pick her up and care for her remains. FUCK. YOU. (sorry mom.) no one told me such VITAL information. mortuaries and funeral homes are necessary and EXPENSIVE businesses. great.... *sigh* i called everywhere... but, the first place that i called was a place that our best friend was buried in 2010. it was the only place that i knew by name, and that one place just so happened to be the one, out of hundreds called, that was reasonably priced. thank you, michael. you led us there... the coordinator had the same thing happen to him and his wife. they were set to have twins, but one didnt make it. the other one is 31 years old, this year. this connection helped us not only afford the process, but we received unimaginable amounts of genuine compassion from him. joseph lemon. we're grateful to you, in so many ways.
the lab that tested her didnt call me to let me know that her results here in. i had to call THEM when i finally got fed up with waiting around, with all of these damned feelings lingering in my soul.
so, here are the results personally transcribed from the report given to me 2/07/2013:
Anatomic Pathology Addendum Report
Accession #: 02-SP-13-0003096
Pathologist: Arturo Mendoza, M.D.
Results: abnormal sex chromosome complement: 45, X
Interpretation: This analysis showed no diagnostic copy number changes for the 22 autosomes. However, an array profile consistent with only a single X chromosome was identified. These results likely represent a 45, X karyotype which is associated with Turner syndrome and is a fairly common finding in spontaneous pregnancy loss.
Chromosome X monosomy [FYI - a form of aneuploidy (abnormal # of chromosomes) with the presence of only one chromosome - instead of the typical two in humans - from a pair. Partial monosomy occurs when only a portion of the chromosome has one copy, while the rest has two copies] is typically do to a sporadic non-disjuction event. However, there are rare cases in which a parent has a translocation involving chromosome X, which significantly increases the recurrence risk for monosomy X. A karyotype of both parents can be performed to evaluate for the responsibility of such a translocation.
lehmans terms? we need a pair of sex chromosomes (XX for girls, XY for boys). she is missing a X chromosome and would i have gone full term with her, she would have endured an abnormally short stature, ovarian failure, and possibly have mild learning disabilities. every cell in her body would only have one chromosome. the X. cause? error in fathers sperm or mothers egg. in 75-80% of cases, the single X chromosome comes from the mother's egg; the father's sperm that fertilizes the egg is missing its sex chromosome.
a female fetus (normally XX) can survive with only one X chromosome, but a male fetus (normally XY) could not survive with only one Y chromosome. this is because not having an X chromosome is much worse than not having a Y chromosome. the Y chromosome carries very few genes essential for life. in contrast, the X chromosome is a much longer DNA molecule and contains many, many genes that are needed for cells to function.
i was, initially, reluctant to have her cremated, but upon my buddhist study, it is mandated, which made me feel better. the cremation symbolizes a sense of detachment in that, the soul of the departed is set free from bondage. buddhists believe that attachment towards the dead is detrimental to the progress of the soul in seeking a new life after death. buddhists believe in Samsara (cycle of birth and death) until they reach salvation through Nirvana.
our daughter is set for her cremation tomorrow, 3/08/2013. we signed all of the papers today, which is jills, my husbands late mother, birthday. she passed in 2010. our friend, michael, was the first to tell him of the news, and michael passed three months later, and is buried where our daughter is set for cremation tomorrow... our crazy universe....
happy birthday, jill.
thank you, michael.
and i love you, alexis parker.
may we all be as free as you, one day.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Alexis - Our X Factor
thursday, february 7th.
X chromosome... and the only one that she had...
we had planned to name her, if we had a girl, alexis parker. my Love wasnt sold on the parker, but he picked alexis, so i felt the right. and i wasnt 100% sold on it, anyway. just about 80%. dominic for a boy, alexis for girl.
alexis it was.
a fetus' genitalia does not fully form to be recognizable to the human eye until you're well into your second trimester. even then, its a gamble and, sometimes, a full surprise upon delivery. even though, in my hand, i held and studied my tiny, precious, and perfect baby and thought i had determined the sex correctly. i was incredibly wrong. and i say incredibly because of more than the obvious reason of my error. the other reason is that i had been taken down the road of thinking that i was carrying a baby boy from the very beginning. everyone told me, and i mean EVERYONE, "you dont have any pregnancy symptoms... its a boy, for sure." but, i had heard conflicting stories, too. my mother with me, my best friend with her two girls - no sickness, no violent and traumatic issues. i was playing the "which do you think it will be?" game with everyone that i told about the pregnancy, just for fun and see what peoples intuitions would be. i asked multitudes of people - friends, family, random strangers... "i say, boy," was the, nearly, unanimous guess. nearly... except one. the ace hardware man that was beyond excited about his own, new grandchild being born. he and his wife even fashioned a FULL nursery for the babies arrival and when his son and daughter-in-law would visit. a little girl.
"we're having a granddaughter," he gushed.
his anticipation was the cutest i'd seen and felt so happy for him and his family.
"take a shot in the dark about what you think i'll have," i asked, wondering if he would play along.
he stopped, looked at both my husband and me and said, "well, i say a girl. for no other reason than thats the first thing that comes to mind since thats what we're having."
"you're the very first person to say girl. everyone else has said boy," i told him. he smiled and said, "well, either way its exciting. good luck!"
regardless, i wavered, back and forth, over which i would prefer and i envisioned my husband bonding with a son and being the father that would put all others to shame. we chatted, back and forth, of the benefits and disadvantages of both. boys are, at most all times, on full throttle, rambunctious and loud. they want to skate board and play full contact sports to channel their multitudes of energy and chit chat about their every minds fantasy and play video games and break every single bone in their bodies by the tender age of 16... *phew* i'm tired just thinking about it. i had concluded... and i wanted a girl. girls are, so often, sweet and gentle when they're small. i know i was. i felt like a very quiet and happy child that only wanted to chat with people because i liked them or felt some sort of compassion to them. i can remember sitting in early classrooms and watching everyone around me chat and wonder how they felt like sharing their every desire with everyone else. i isolated myself from them. so, i would just go back to my drawings, writings, and homework. i, simply, didnt have that "gift" to share every little thing that was on my mind. i believe modern day calls it the "gift of gab". but, dont get me wrong - i could talk, but it tended to be if i was talked to first with a relevant subject. not just about timmy and how cute he was. i dont blame them for their light conversation, but i grew up faster than the average functional child. hardships do that, i've realized. you cant relate to certain things and your mind gets shaped by your own environment. so, i would find comfort in my mind. it was my retreat. i remember sitting in my room and playing by myself for hours and being so content. i remember hanging out with boys and wondering why they were so loud and having the need to scream everything to me and bang things around. i remember falling deeply in love with animals with which i grew up, and thinking of them as my very best friends. especially tiny, gypsy, and sinbad. two cats and a dog.
to be continued...
~ * ~ .......he was a she....... ~ * ~
X chromosome... and the only one that she had...
we had planned to name her, if we had a girl, alexis parker. my Love wasnt sold on the parker, but he picked alexis, so i felt the right. and i wasnt 100% sold on it, anyway. just about 80%. dominic for a boy, alexis for girl.
alexis it was.
a fetus' genitalia does not fully form to be recognizable to the human eye until you're well into your second trimester. even then, its a gamble and, sometimes, a full surprise upon delivery. even though, in my hand, i held and studied my tiny, precious, and perfect baby and thought i had determined the sex correctly. i was incredibly wrong. and i say incredibly because of more than the obvious reason of my error. the other reason is that i had been taken down the road of thinking that i was carrying a baby boy from the very beginning. everyone told me, and i mean EVERYONE, "you dont have any pregnancy symptoms... its a boy, for sure." but, i had heard conflicting stories, too. my mother with me, my best friend with her two girls - no sickness, no violent and traumatic issues. i was playing the "which do you think it will be?" game with everyone that i told about the pregnancy, just for fun and see what peoples intuitions would be. i asked multitudes of people - friends, family, random strangers... "i say, boy," was the, nearly, unanimous guess. nearly... except one. the ace hardware man that was beyond excited about his own, new grandchild being born. he and his wife even fashioned a FULL nursery for the babies arrival and when his son and daughter-in-law would visit. a little girl.
"we're having a granddaughter," he gushed.
his anticipation was the cutest i'd seen and felt so happy for him and his family.
"take a shot in the dark about what you think i'll have," i asked, wondering if he would play along.
he stopped, looked at both my husband and me and said, "well, i say a girl. for no other reason than thats the first thing that comes to mind since thats what we're having."
"you're the very first person to say girl. everyone else has said boy," i told him. he smiled and said, "well, either way its exciting. good luck!"
regardless, i wavered, back and forth, over which i would prefer and i envisioned my husband bonding with a son and being the father that would put all others to shame. we chatted, back and forth, of the benefits and disadvantages of both. boys are, at most all times, on full throttle, rambunctious and loud. they want to skate board and play full contact sports to channel their multitudes of energy and chit chat about their every minds fantasy and play video games and break every single bone in their bodies by the tender age of 16... *phew* i'm tired just thinking about it. i had concluded... and i wanted a girl. girls are, so often, sweet and gentle when they're small. i know i was. i felt like a very quiet and happy child that only wanted to chat with people because i liked them or felt some sort of compassion to them. i can remember sitting in early classrooms and watching everyone around me chat and wonder how they felt like sharing their every desire with everyone else. i isolated myself from them. so, i would just go back to my drawings, writings, and homework. i, simply, didnt have that "gift" to share every little thing that was on my mind. i believe modern day calls it the "gift of gab". but, dont get me wrong - i could talk, but it tended to be if i was talked to first with a relevant subject. not just about timmy and how cute he was. i dont blame them for their light conversation, but i grew up faster than the average functional child. hardships do that, i've realized. you cant relate to certain things and your mind gets shaped by your own environment. so, i would find comfort in my mind. it was my retreat. i remember sitting in my room and playing by myself for hours and being so content. i remember hanging out with boys and wondering why they were so loud and having the need to scream everything to me and bang things around. i remember falling deeply in love with animals with which i grew up, and thinking of them as my very best friends. especially tiny, gypsy, and sinbad. two cats and a dog.
to be continued...
Monday, January 28, 2013
7 Days A Void
one week. day one.
All my love ~
~ * ♥ * ~
Electrifying shock glanced back one percent, only,
and surigated unmeasurable waves of splash and toil.
Our mountains violined in despairs cloak and sang from atop, so high.
My tiny, fragile breath of life,
beget in love, so sweet.
Its you of whom I dream and protect,
Its you and them of whom we didnt expect.
Created from the earths most valued nourishment,
We forged in determinations mansion and bled-out in the grace of the universe.
Innocent babe, I say to you, I pray no pain felt while passing through,
For this world and this time you were not meant,
Time will heal and back to earth your soul I will rest.
Blessings and miracles and life so sweet,
Close your eyes and feel my peace, for, one day, we shall meet.All my love ~
~ * ♥ * ~
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
1/21/2013. Soul Passage
~ *Dominic David* ~
my precious baby boy,
you left my body, i held you, and then you went somewhere unknown to me. i am grieving for you and have so many raw, unprocessed feelings that will come out through my poetry, my art, and my soul... all in your name. know this: you are beyond loved. the strongest emotions evoke no words. one day, we will meet, and i will be able to love you as i wanted and yearned. until then, be safe, my little angel baby, and may you be in good company, and may that company be my father, david, amongst many others. you both left me so abruptly and entirely too soon.
and i'm hurt, but i love you both.
no matter what.
love,
your mother
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