Purple Haze

So, this totes-mcGotes happened... So much for healthy, GMO free, yada yada yada...   Haha.

The truth is that I try to keep my healthy eating to majority levels.  This has ZERO nutritional value for me and my baby.  Wheat cakes topped with sugar stuff.  Even the bacon has nitrates and nitrites.  BUT, I refuse to consider this "cheating" since 1) I don't like feeling guilty, and 2) shouldn't since I'm good enough to myself, on a usual basis.  I try to keep things 80/20.  80 good, 20 whatever.  And when I say "whatever," I mean chili cheese dogs, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, dairy queen blizzards, rootbeer floats, Coke in a can...  You know, all of the things that make people obese and create cancer and health issues?  Delicious.  But, then, I detox on green drinks made of cilantro, spinach, spirulina, etc., etc  Its quite a dance.  I think of it as food for the soul.  You just NEED it sometimes.  I'm sure Buddha never said that...  Ha.

Blueberry mascarpone lemon cream strudel thingamajigger with crunchy things on top.

I'm CERTAIN the baby was dancing, just like me. I think I still have some...

Leftovers!

I Will Carry You Everywhere

so, this little ditty is a called a baby wrap.  women in africa and many, many other countries have been carrying and wrapping their babies for centuries.  i love the concept.  my baby close to me while i do things?  you bet!

i started researching baby carrying with my first pregnancy.  i was fascinated at the idea of actually wearing my baby as opposed to leaving it sit in a carrier, or some other device, all the time.  the more i researched, the more i learned.  there were studies stating how leaving a baby on its back all of the time isnt the healthiest for the baby.  carrying the baby helps mom and baby bond, and, of course, its convenient.  gardening?  throw the baby on your back!  going to the zoo?  throw the baby on your back and give them a great view of the world!  plus, they can be absolutely gorgeous.  the fabric.  so.  gorgeous.  wait until i tell you about the "cult" of baby wearers.  wow...  anyway, for now ~

i was living at the beach when i came across the girasols.  they are 100% cotton (very important to me - no synthetic materials on my baby - skin is our biggest organ and needs to breathe) and handwoven by the wonderful women in guatemala.

this is straight from their site:  "Only pure untreated cotton that has neither been pre-bleached or chemically finished is used. We do not use formaldehyde, halogen-organic compounds, aromatic amines or brighteners. And our fabrics are not treated subsequently with chemicals or finishes.  Girasol's select weavers are masters of a very difficult and ancient skill called diagonal weaving. A high-quality baby carrier produced with this method of weaving will always adapt elastically and never stretch out of shape. The hems have been doubled to prevent the edges from causing any unpleasant pressure."

whats not to love?  sold!

i perused the collections and clicked on what i wanted.  easy, right?  NO.  "sold out.  next wrap released in july."  july?  its december!  i have to wait six months for a wrap?  i had to be put on a waiting list!  so, this isnt like amazon where i just click and buy?  nope.  the serious baby wrap makers make only a select few and then release them on a certain month.  only if you've signed up WAY ahead of time are you qualified to get their one-of-a-kind wraps for yourself.  um, okay, so what now?  i had to email the company, tell them that i'm interested, and see what wrap they would be releasing next.  CRAZY.  would i even like it?  i'm kind of a picky bear...  i know what i like and i get stubborn.  so, the kind lady e-mailed me that the next release would be "tropical sunset" made of beautiful sherbet oranges, lemon yellow sunshine, and turquoise blue.  fine, great, i was thinking more of some cool black and white artsy pattern, but that sounds delightful.  i live in san diego, so it kind of works.  sign me up!

but, then... reality.  my second trimester mc...  i was crushed.  do i cancel?  what if i never have a baby?  what if i CANT.  what if my husband leaves me for someone else to make a family because i cant and i NEVER have a baby?  its shocking the things that you go through, mentally, when something like this happens to you.  you feel shitty about yourself and what your life is going to become.  you dream about your life.  and you KNOW that things arent going to work out exactly like you dream, but you never imagine that the big things wont work out for you - ie:  having a child.  my husband comforted me like no other.  he promised that even if we never had a child, we would always have each other.  and no college or child bills!  haha.  =)  it made me feel better, but i knew that deep down, he was struggling with everything, too.  and it hurts.  you feel helpless.  will your life fall apart?  but, you just hope for another day to be merciful to you.  another day to hug each other and be our most faithful when it counts the most.  when you know that you do all of the right things in life - you're a good person, you're a faithful to everyone in your life, you're open to learning the truths about life - it makes tragedy a downright bitch.  i learned a lot about people during this journey.  A LOT.  how people handle problems, who your friends are, who its also happened to, how your family responds...  and i'm proud of everyone in my life.  most everyone, anyway.

i decided to say fuck it.  pardon my frankness, but thats what i said.  if i never have a baby, at least i'll have a kickass beach blanket.

when i finally received it late july, i was elated.  it was beautiful.  and handmade 7/15/13, just two days after our baby girl was supposed to be born.  it sat in my linen closet, moved to CO with me, and sat in another linen closet until last night.  

its time!  i'm finally hopeful, and i feel happy. 

now, i just have to learn how to use it.
 

  

oakley, always curious.  maybe i'll wrap him like a baby!  maybe not.  he'll scratch me to death.  Senor Sticky Pants - his nickname because his nails are so long and stick to EVERYTHING.

this is probably how i'll wrap - seems easiest (then, you just pull the cloth over the babies bum):

 

 pics of moms  =)

 

i had a dress that reminds me of the one she is wearing...  i loved it.  so colorful and detailed...  and i love the babies hat.  precious.

  

Rearview Mirror Glimpse

this was a picture that i took on the way back from my very first appointment.  i was so happy because i heard your heartbeat, the sun was shining and melting everything, and when i looked in my rearview mirror, the mountains looked gorgeous.  this pic isnt, at all, a real reflection of what i saw with my own eyes - its a low quality photo - but, it reminds me of how happy i was that day. 

i take rearview pics a lot.  i got used to it in CA because the sunsets were always blazing in my inner rearview mirror  and outter mirrors.  it was nearly impossible NOT to.  i used to have ocean sunsets.  now, i have snowy mountains.  what's next?

Dessert, not Desert

my English teacher taught me to learn the difference between dessert (yum!) and desert (hot!).

Dessert:  the delicious items eaten proceeding a lovely dinner, has TWO s's.  why?  because you always want MORE dessert!  get it?  clever.

Desert:  the hot dry place in which my in-laws live.  only one s because no wants more desert.

*wink*

sliced bananas topped with homemade almond butter, 70% organic, dark chocolate nibs, and drizzled with organic raw honey.  popped in the freezer to set.  voila!

i should just dip the whole things in chocolate and freeze them...  and sprinkle them w/ Himalayan salt...  next time.

Lucky Charms

see these charms?  i've had them since i was a teenager.  your grandma O gave them to me to wear when i was pregnant, so here we FINALLY are!  i wasnt sure if it would ever even happen.  the set came with a stork, a pacifier, and baby shoes.  as soon as i found out that i was pregnant, i went into my jewelry stand (yes, its a stand) and fished out what i would wear every second of this pregnancy, for good luck.  i decided to wear the shoes and the pacifier until you're born and then switch over to just the stork after you're born.  i had these gold hoop earrings that just werent doing it for me, so i deconstructed them and added a hoop to the chain.  for, you know, flare.  i had to buy a gold chain since i usually wear silver or white gold.  i've always liked yellow gold, but just not as much.  its worth more, thats for sure.  but, this is about sentiment and superstition, so gold it is! 

my good luck charms, just like you.  three is my favorite number and you're my #3.  not only that, but you were conceived in the seventh year of our marriage.  we married on 7/07/07.  threes and sevens and thirteens run rampant through our life.  its quite amazing, really.  you were no exception.                                    

Soupy Sales

i made some veggie soup for us.  mega-veggie.

all organic veggies:  corn, peas, green beans, carrots, celery, cabbage, mushrooms, garlic, 100% pure olive oil, chicken bone broth, various spices.  oh, and little chicken (stupid protein!).  i usually put (sister christian is playing on the radio right now.  just thought you'd like to know.) garbanzo beans, too, but i was out. i added a little ACV to give it a little tartness.

yum!

i took a pic of the back stove, on purpose.  as i was cooking, i got entranced in the trinkets i seem to harbor.

starting from the left: 

ceramic mushroom:  i've had it for more years than i can even recall and it used to be your grandma O's.  i have some thoughts about it that, when you're old enough, we'll discuss.  regardless, i've always had a thing for mushrooms.  i like them in my food, i like to hunt for morels with my dad on my grandpas property in MI, and i have a painting of them from college that i painted (while tipsy), one night.  ;)

a ceramic rooster and little chick at its feet:  your great grandmother W sent that to me for my birthday, circa '98.  we had just moved to CA and it made no sense to me.  haha.  i called your grandma O and talked to her about it.  i didnt have an affinity for chickens, ceramic trinkets, nothing...  in fact, i hated trinkets.  clutter.  grandma O told me that she was eccentric and to just appreciate the fact that she loved me enough to think of me and send me a gift.  i suddenly felt like a brat.  when i called my gram to thank her, she said that it reminded her of me and my father (the rooster and the chick - get it?).  i, so graciously, giggled inside, and knew that i would keep and cherish it forever.  it was so sweet and endearing, how could i be such a brat.  something about her was that, she always gave quirky gifts, but when you would speak with her about them, you understood her point of view.  from that point forward, i never questioned ANY gift.  i appreciated the fact that the person took even one single second to think about me.  period.

oyster shells:  those are two oyster shells: the big one was my nephews.  i flew him to san diego for his graduation present, last summer, to stay with us and i fed him oysters for the first time.  very surprisingly, he enjoyed them!  i bought him surf lessons and an incredibly nice dinner on the beach.  it was such a nice time.  he doesnt know i kept it.  =)  you'll learn that your dad and i have a love and tradition for eating oysters and drinking martinis with blue cheese olives.  before i was pregnant with you, we found a phenomenal oyster bar here.  once you get here, i'll be able to eat seafood and have a martini!  so, once again, hurry up!  ;)  (the small oyster shell is mine from here.  our new-found spot.)

nephew (soon to be your 1st cousin!) in action.

the honey miel:  just a cute little honey container that i bought after researching and learning so much about bees while in san diego.  they're such amazing and necessary creatures that for which i have so much respect.  i even try to buy honey that is produced by small farmers or even just sole honey makers.  the big companies over work them and exploit the hell out of them, so i keep it local and ethical.  and always, raw and organic.  when i was a little girl, i had two uncles that raised bees and they would give me the honey comb to eat.  it was pure heaven.  i loved staying with them so much because they were both so interesting and love, love, loved me.  i would always have a small ball of beeswax to take home from sucking out all the honey.  i would save them for some odd reason.  i have a few weird ways about me.  haha.  i used to save my gum, too.  i had a small ceramic kitten that was on its back, legs and paws out to hold your chewed gum.  ug.  so gross.  haha.  i would keep the stupid gum for a few days on that thing and then roll it in sugar to get the "flavor" back.  i was 7.  dont judge me.

two "god" magnets - one on each side of the clock:  the left one is a tribal man that represents honor and loyalty.  the right one (not pictured) is a sun god.  they were handmade out of terracotta by a hippie lady in ocean beach, ca.  i bought them at the farmers market that i shopped every wednesday.

My little "B-boy"

and here you are!  i finally got to see you today!  the title indicates "how" i saw you today.  i have no idea your sex and wont know until wk 20, but you were on your head, today, doing a headspin - hence, b-boy.  my little breaker.  ;)  the little life that i have been carefully helping to craft through good diet, exercise (when i'm not tired!), and lots of laughs.  i'm doing my absolute best to ensure your pure health, nourishment, and growth.

key words for you are:

* hydration - i purchased a water filter that filters out chemicals and fluoride.  it was a little pricey, up front, but you're worth it.  i've become a complete water snob and only drink my own water.

i love this thing.  total snob! 

 

* organic - i try my darndest to buy only organic fruits and veggies.  i'm very strict on it.  the only time we dont get organic is through delivery or if we go out.  its nearly impossible to eat well if we do either of these two.

* grass-fed/pasture raised - we buy all gf meats, cheeses, butter, and dairy.  NO CORN fed.  corn is not only GMO (controversial, but i have my own deep thoughts & intuition), but converts to sugar.  sugar = GMO = fat = diabetes.  you (or me) will never develop diabetes as long as my life is in my own hands.  its up to me and my diet, and i know it.  cows should eat delicious grass and graze freely in the sunshine.  i've always shyed away from meat, as a whole (i was a vegetarian before i met your dad), because i love, love, love animals and hate the idea of chewing on them (ug), BUT the research seems to point to a slight need for healthy development (especially for the unborn), not because we've always needed it, but because we've EVOLVED to needing it.  that's what happens when people do the same things, over and over...  it becomes part of our DNA and we end up requiring what we never required before.  this is a tough one...  i struggle with it.  my indian background agrees, wholeheartedly, with ethically treated animals (good food, sunshine, and love) that when killed to give YOU life, must be adored and worshiped.  we must be damned thankful.  and i am.  but, a small piece of me feels guilt, also.  your dad says vegetarians are horribly unhealthy and birth problematic babies.  all of my own research is scattered, but i feel in my heart to eat plant-based with a little of everything else and be good with it.  thats what my blood type says to eat, too.  plant-based.  i have a rare blood type - 6% of the population.  i would give blood, but my veins always burst.

oh, and very particular eggs - hens that eat worms, etc.  no grains or corn.  the eggs i buy are expensive.  the most expensive thing i buy, really.  i cut corners, in other areas, to be able to afford high quality, important items.   buy in bulk, buy frozen, buy on sale, etc.  ive learned the art of balance.

* exercise - i could always use more cardio, but i lift weights, primarily.  overhead press, dead lift, bench press, and squat.  i'm in the hundreds with all but the overhead.  yuck!  that one is hard.  im pushing 200 for squat...  i did 180 x 5 last week, so i think, technically, i'm over, but whatever.  i lift for strength, not beach muscles, so i do high weight, low reps (beach muscles are low weight, high reps - no strength).  i do at least two to three miles of cardio each session.  very surprisingly, the weight lifting revs your heart.  i have never liked doing too much cardio because i know endurance runners rack up a lot of health issues, later on.  your grandpa C used to run and had to have knee replacements because of it.  it also enlarges the heart, is very rough on your joints, etc., etc.  many people run for the need of it, not because its healthy.  which, some think, is just as unhealthy.  i, personally, dont care.  to each their own.  im a sprinter and have always felt thats where my body feels most comfortable.  i used to run five miles or more a day and it made me a slow poke, so i stick to a little more median of a run and do more weights.  so, i like to weight lift, sprint, and run hills outside where ever i can.  i miss boxing a lot.  and i would love to learn judo and muay thai.  i like to sing, too.  exercise of the vocal cords!  it counts!  and we ride bikes.  our new mountain bikes. we havent hit the slopes yet, this year.  a shame, really.  REALLY. 

* sleep - this is where i lack!  i love sleep - LOVE - but, i barely do it.  i am such a night owl and then get up for work and never nap.  i average 5-6 hours of sleep during the week.  i'm pregnant.  its awful.  i make up for it on the weekends, but i need consistency.  easier said than done.  i've always stayed up later than the rest of the world.  i like the nighttime.  its quiet, mysterious, and when i peak.  when i get up early, i do have to say that, i love the mornings.  one summer, when i was home between college, i had to work at 5am and the mornings were so incredibly peaceful.  i grew up on a lake, so the water was like glass and the ducks and birds were phenomenally entertaining.  could i give you that kind of life, i will.  it was fun, peaceful, and connected me to nature on a deep level.  plus, i had a dad that liked toys.  speed boats, snow mobiles, etc.  for a child, its beyond healthy.  you'll enjoy staying with your grandpa W.  he'll take you on boat rides and different adventures.  he's overjoyed about you and said he thinks of you and prays for us every day.  =)

* laughs! - this one is easy.  your father is a stitch, as your grandma C would say.  that means funny.  he has always made me laugh, which, if you know me, isnt too hard - i'm a very light spirit and find much joy in life - but, your dad is on a different level.  i giggle always.  he's silly, and smart, and witty...  we have a wonderful chemistry which comes through in joy and laughs.  and your family is fantastic.  grandma C is one of the biggest hearts in life and always smooths out my moods.  "okay, we're going to hang up, you'll pour a glass of wine, get off your feet, and call it a day!"  she knows exactly how much to give and take.  grandma O will love and snuggle you like she did me, always.  you can actually FEEL her love.  its like no other.  point is, we're balanced.  we have fantastic love and support which only contributes to a healthy life.  you have two sides of a family, both are more than just "cool" or "sporty" or "educated"...  they exude love.  it will strengthen you.

* belly rubs - i give them to you often.  from me, from your grandparents, from friends...  giving you good vibes!

* * *

upside down baby, doing a head spin!  if you squint, it sort of focuses.  the nurse had a hell of a time pinning down a good pic because you're so active!

moms celebration drink.  mmm.