Gargoyles and Starting Fresh

okay, so it seems that i'm still struggling with writing to you...  its that privacy/openness fight on which i am constantly teetering.  *eye roll*  i've decided to start from today and move forward...  one day, soon, i'll make one big post on your first months of life.  they were incredibly meaningful to me and you've been beyond a dream, so i owe it to you to understand your roots.  focusing on you during those days was all that was important to me. 

for now, just, i love you.  xo

* * *
one of my favorite pieces of art by michael parkes.  his artwork is very cirque de soleil.  dreamy.  i love this one for the innocence of the girl, whom obviously woke from her slumber to play with her strong and muscular gate keepers.  i love the contrast of the fierce gargoyles and tenderness of the sleepy, playful girl, her bubbles, jump rope, and bear.

we found a permanent caretaker for you through july and she has a michael parkes print on her wall above her mantle.  i was so surprised to see it!  she had forgotten the name of the painting and i let her know - Eternity. 

announcement

this is how we announced you to our fb "friends"

we waited until well into my second trimester to share with anyone.  we even contemplated telling our family until possible third tri. because of what happened, prior.  i was fearful of further grief and embarrassment.  it had happened twice, already.  we told close family and asked them not to announce it until we do and most everyone was good with it.  except your grandma o.  she took to fb and told hundreds of her "friends."  i felt slightly betrayed, but knew she was just excited.  we've always had differences in our privacy.  she is open, i am closed.  i had to explain that we, as your parents, thought it appropriate to make the announcement - no one else.  it was why we didnt want to share with anyone. 

when you deal with so much pain, it gets overwhelming having every single person talk to you about it.  and, if a loss were to happen again, i wasnt ready to talk with everyone about it.  again.

but, it all worked out.  ♥

Within Days...

as i got bigger and bigger i got more and more excited.  the happiness that i felt being pregnant was extremely unexpected.  i kept hearing horror stories of crazy hormones, constant sickness, people fighting with their spouse because they were tired and always irritated...

not me

you were a dream

i had no illness, 

my hormones werent out of wack, 

and i was, not only happy, but eLaTeD.  

people constantly said i was glowing...  and i FELT that way.  

i felt like an angel...  light, happy, pure.
you helped me get through a difficult time.
thank you.

the problems that i experienced were disgusting human vices, which had nothing to do with me.  if i lived completely alone in the world, my pregnancy would have been 100% perfect.  but, we have human relationships and things happen.  that's life, and you deal with things and people.  loved ones, parents, etc.  you'll one day learn that NOTHING and no one are perfect.  and you cope, just fine, if you just keep your faith, do the right things, and deal with things as they come.  never avoid.  the best way to work out problems is to work directly through them. 

Draft Day

okay, so i cleared out my drafts...  i may stay here and not worry about an alternate space.  too many things at once sounds busy.  i need simplicity.  your mom is private, but, also, wants to share life.  im impossible to understand, on that front.  i have no idea why im private.  i have not one thing to hide or be ashamed of or whatever...  im actually a tad on the boring/conservative side, i think.  as much as i love wild and quirky things - art, people, movies, music - i, personally, am pretty simple.  a true loner with many, many interests.  who knows.  i could be completely wrong about myself.  perhaps, one day, you'll have an opinion of me.  i hope you love me. if you love me even a fraction of how much i love you, i will be the happiest person to live.  you'll see how much love i have through my writings.  its nothing that can be suppressed!  nor should it!  i told someone, yesterday, that you bring out the absolute best in me.  and you do.  i've never felt happier in my entire life.  granted, i've had a bit of a stressed and damaged childhood and it seems anything would be an improvement, but this isnt even close to that...  its a spectrum of its own.  parenthood has changed me for the better.  i want to be your beacon of light, in an, otherwise, crazy world.  i'm a stable human and i want you to have balance, too.  with just a touch of crazy.  ;)

over the next few weeks, i'll continually add to this chronicle about your first few months of life.  as of today, you're four and a half months and more amazing than ever. 

i cry over you.  i cry just looking at you.

i love you.

Plant-based Henna

july, 2015

i wanted to do something memorable while pregnant with you.  i decided on henna.  the woman came to our house and was a delight.  this is her working.

I Lift Dead People

august, 2015

i get a lot of grief from non-athletes and the uknowing, alike, regarding lifting weights and pregnancy.  i've done so much research, asked a plethora of questions to healthcare professionals, and read testimonies from athletes and general work-out gurus that i feel more than comfortable with my regimen. i want to stay strong for you.  i'll be lifting your sweet, little self, soon, and dont want any problems.  i scaled back, some, but not a whole lot.  we cant wait for you to work out with us.

"If I Ruled the World..."

your parents. 

mom = scorpio
dad = leo