conception

ok, little one.  we, very well, may live in a different part of denver once you're born, so here is a tiny peep into our current situation.  we, technically, live in the city of denver, but are LITERALLY on the border of a little city called glendale (pic below).  the glendale sign is right in front of our family room window.  if we lived in unit a, we would be in glendale, but we live in unit b, which is denver.  see those beautiful grassy fields?  that is infinity park (notice the big "8" for infinity - pretty cool) where the rugby players practice and play and where your dad and i wanted to sign up for our gym memberships, but since we live in building b, not a, we were denied.  your father was not a happy camper and had lots of colorful words.  he said some very funny things when that happened.  you'll learn that you always want to be on his good side.  ;)  italian blood runs through his veins and italian tempers are valid.  even his pediatrician told his mother that he had a temper when he was 3.  yes, the tender age of 3.  truth be told, you'll probably NEVER be on his bad side...  he's amazing and you'll be one of the luckiest children on the planet to have him father you.  just wait.  he's actually so cool that i've always feared being the second-place parent.  silly, perhaps, but children gravitate to him like no other.  animals too. 

anyway, your mom works in that tall black building on the left.  the tallest one.  the view from the top floor is breathtaking.  you can see the rocky mountains for miles (you cant see it well in this pic, but that dark line below the clouds is the mountains).  your dad works in southern denver @ a retirement investment bank.  im in healthcare and hire healthcare professionals to care for long term, disabled children.  my job is why we moved here.  we lived in san diego for 16 years, prior.  its the longest that i've ever lived anywhere in my life and, to be honest, i miss it dearly.  i lived here, in denver, when i was very young, so its interesting to be back as an adult.  i will ensure your life fairs much better than mine, at that age.  its part of the reason i waited so long to have a child.  stability.  i've become very alert and keen to and in this life and have always been a cycle-breaker.  i want you to be the same way.  make your own beautiful life because if you fall into other peoples cycles, you'll never find out who you really are or are made of.  who knows how things will pan out...  we just may go back to cali where your grandparents reside.  you're going to LOVE them.  especially your grandmother.  shes one of the most incredible humans on earth.  a very classy woman that never misses a chance to tell you how much she loves you, never misses a birthday (you ALWAYS get a card, balloon, cake...  something), a holiday, or anything in between.  its important to her and she makes you feel very loved.  she's been a like a second mother to me and i'm so grateful for her because were it not for her, we would have been very alone all those years.

anyway, your own parents have always been very adventurous - thats how we got to san diego!  sold my car and crammed our whole lives into a jeep and took a six day long road trip.  but, there is a lot to do here in our new state though, so we'll see how we like it.  we're still settling in.  but, like i said, i really miss our endless summer...  i always imagined waking up to the beach, each morning, with you in my arms.  things change.

all of our decisions, from here on out, will be mainly due to you.  =)

midwives and fairies and ~*stardust*~

i survived the weekend!  with friends in town that like to party, its hard to be the odd one out and not drink and have fun like my usual self!  its kind of refreshing though.  the older i get, the less i like to drink.  though, i truly love and miss WINE!  mmm...  i had a glass on saturday.  dont tell anyone.

the doctor that i found for myself completely flaked on me, not calling me back for 10 full days after i had told them that i had a cali script that was about to run-out - directly related to my pregnancy.  i have a million choice words for them, but am trying to clean up my mouth that loves to curse and call people names in anger.  "breathe, d.  center yourself and be a class act."  ug, so freakin' hard sometimes.  the world seems so lost.  i used to be compassionate and feel sorry for "the lost souls,", but now i'm just getting frustrated at the blatent disconnect and brain washing.  there comes a point when you have to open your mind and eyes.  we cant be blind and dumb our whole lives.  i called my cali doc and she refilled me asap.  ASAP!  totally love and miss her.  she was so kind to me during the hardest days of my life with a loving bedside manner that all doctors should be trained to have...   props.

silver lining?  yep!  i called my local midwifery and left dr. cornflake in the dust.  she's called 13 times, since, but gets no love.  i'll probably just write her a quick, simple letter of the importance of efficiency.  i'm the wrong person to leave hanging.  i'm a scorpio.  screw me over with things so vitally important in my and my families life and i'll leave you behind with no regrets and keep moving to my sacred goal.  aint nobody got time fo' that!  (lady in the hood with a soda...)

we're going to orientation this week and i pray that its for what i'm looking.  literally, i prayed.  its weird, i'm a self-proclaimed deist, but still feel compelled to pray.  if anything, it helps me sort through my own minds thoughts.  and whats even weirder is that, last night while i started praying, i prayed to "the universe," like i normally do.  i wondered, "if i do that, will ANY entity in the universe show up and infiltrate my wishes?"  weird thought, but it made me stop and pray to god, instead.  yes, i know, it should be capitalized...  God.  whatever.  minor details.  i feel like a damned hypocrite, but i was raised in a church with my grandfather as the preacher.  people that are religious fanatics scare me.  "praise jesus!  oh, thank you, sweet jesus!  i know you were with me when i won that football game!  praise the lord!"  (hands in the air, eyes closed, waiving around.)  scary.  stop it.  YOU helped win that football game.  god probably doesnt even condone football, much less have a hand in helping you win a freakin' trophy!  and more-over, there are more lessons in LOSING that just getting a trophy.  have some modesty.  they scare me.  .....rant over.....  i digress.  i have issues.  lots of them.  and they're legitimate issues and concerns.  so, i just do my best.  i always pray for guidance with it. 

anyway -

i may even have a water birth!  we'll see.  i just want to hear our babies heartbeat, at this point.

one day at a time, my little love.

♥

friday night partier

              T

      i



          R

  E 
                        D

did i say that already?  small things are veddy, veddy mighty. 

* * *

fish tacos, chips - full of gmo's, beans
66 degrees.  say wha?  yes, practically hot.  i think the hubby used his freakin' ac.  polar bear jones. 
vail this weekend?  probably not.  brian and his two cornballs are here.  i'm prego and boring as all get out.  i remember being pregnant with courtney king and we just wanted to leave the bar and chill.  we laughed so hard at ourselves.  i'd like to just curl up in bed with my two cats, watch a funny movie, and eat ice cream balls.  lets see what i really do...

Respect

i forgot how much i loved this...  i found it in one of my earlier posts when pregnant before.  i adore indian culture and the spirit involved.  the respect of the people is profound to me and speaks to me like no other.  i read an article, yesterday, about how a shaman sees a mental hospital.  it was breathtakingly interesting.  they see how we treat our mentally ill as a travesty and believe that they need support in dealing with the energy that has infiltrated them.  anyway, its a long explanation that was backed up by a schizophrenic pt., age 18, going to a village in africa for "treatment" and healing.  he loved it so much that he decided to stay.  he said he felt so much safer than in america. 
anyway -

* * * 

entry 4 days before we lost our little girl:

1/17/2013
i plan to hand-write this for my child, before its born, to forever keep.  cherokee indian is said to run through my family (and is SUCH an interesting story told by my grandmother!) and the native american way of life is one with which i identify the most, on this earth.  i cant explain it.  perhaps, because its truly part of me, in my blood.  being quietly humble and not boastful, respecting the earth, its people, plants, and animals, and being of healthy mind, body, and soul.

* * *

Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often.
The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.
 
Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path.

Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem
from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others
to make your path for you. It is your road, and
yours alone. Others may walk it with you,
but no one can walk it for you.

Treat the guests in your home with much consideration.
Serve them the best food, give them the best
bed and treat them with respect and honor.

Do not take what is not yours whether from
a person, a community,the wilderness or from a
culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.

Respect all things that are placed upon
this earth – whether it be people or plant.

Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words.
Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them.
Allow each person the right to personal expression.

Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative
energy that you put out into the universe
will multiply when it returns to you.

All persons make mistakes.
And all mistakes can be forgiven.

Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind,
body and spirit. Practice optimism.

Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us.
They are part of your worldly family.

Children are the seeds of our future. Plant
love in their hearts and water them with
wisdom and life’s lessons. When they
are grown, give them space to grow.

Avoid hurting the hearts of others.
The poison of your pain will return to you.

Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the
test of one’s will within this universe.

Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual
self, Emotional self, and Physical self – all need
to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out
the body to strengthen the mind. Grow
rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

Make conscious decisions as to who
you will be and how you will react. Be
responsible for your own actions.

Respect the privacy and personal space of
others. Do not touch the personal property of
others – especially sacred and religious
objects. This is forbidden.

Be true to yourself first. You cannot
nurture and help others if you cannot
nurture and help yourself first.

Respect others religious beliefs.
Do not force your belief on others.

Share your good fortune with others.
Participate in charity.

Take Two. Free Shamu.

crazed.  looking back through my first pregnancy is interesting.  i was a mess.  so full of unhealthy anxiety.  perhaps, it had something to do with her.  maybe her missing x was the key to my happiness.  either way, i was scared.  growing up in an unstable environment so early really shook my confidence in life.  but, i'm growing up.  still, and every day.  its so unfair to keep leaning on the past.  the future is MINE.  i can make my life exactly how i want.  no blame, no fear.  one of the biggest lessons that i've learned in life is that living in the past WILL KILL YOU.  if we dont forgive and move on and make our own lives beautiful, we have no one to blame but ourselves.  you will absolutely never evolve.  EVOLVE.  i'm here to make sure i do.  its beyond important to me.  its a life mission.

i realized that i didnt even talk about the second...  not a peep.  i was close to being out of my first trimester and thinking things were going smoothly.  delivery date of 3/09, a Biggie Smalls-related date and the day after Jills bday (my Loves mom).  it was perfect.  again, just like before.  dates.  they are so relevant in our lives.  7's, 3's, 13's, dates, birthdays...  its nuts.  but, i woke up in the middle of the night.  again.  the day before his birthday.  excruciating pain for 7 hours.  we went to urgent care and they decided to take more blood.  fucking brilliant.  i passed out.  i should have sued them.

painful details spared - 11wks, take two. 

i released it into the Great Pacific on my adoption birthday.  my father adopted me this day many moons ago, so its significant.  it was one of the most beautiful days that i've ever seen in my life.  we took it right to the brim of the ocean near the rocks.  the sun was so warm, the air timid, and the waves washed lightly on the banks of the rocks in ocean beach.  what i did was illegal, so i had to be cautious.  but, i didnt care.  i was doing it my way.  i wasnt about to go through the bs that i went through last time.  i got as close to the edge as possible, said a prayer, and released.  but, as i did, the biggest, highest wave crashed to shore and nearly swept me out to sea!  i kept my balance on the slippery rock and crouched down a bit for more stabilization.  whoa.  i was completely soaked.  my eyes from crying, my being from nature, and my soul.  i should have felt heavy, but i didnt.  i fell into my Loves arms as we cried.  i love him so much.  he's there with such an open heart.

we walked back to land and decided to go into wonderland for lunch and drinks.  lots of drinks.  san diego is so incredibly gorgeous in late autumn, but this day was especially unique.  wonderland is on the second floor while overlooking the ocean, directly, and has HUGE wide open windows across the entire span of the front of the restaurant.  the warm breeze and salty air rush through and envelop you.  its magnificent.  its new, so our first time there.  there was a band playing on the lawn near the beach.  OB is a local hippie town that we lived in for quite a few years, but through time, has gone down hill a bit.  now, you see more tweekers and bums, than anything.  but, the old vibe still remains.  this day, the vibe was hippie tribal (the music), people throwing frisbees, walking their dogs, surfing, skate boarding with shirts dangling from back pockets, and in the ocean, there were HUNDREDS of people holding hands while sitting on surf boards trying to break a guiness book of world records record.  largest circle of people in the ocean, or something...  they did it.  we ran into an old friend and spent the afternoon with him and his newest girlfriend.  it was a beautiful day.  exactly what we needed.

oh, i almost forgot.  we did a 5k walk through Sea World first thing in the morning.  i detest Sea World for harboring all of their shamu's in a miserable life, but it was for charity and disabled children of my company.  we got to pet rays and hang with an owl. 

free shamu.  i freed our little shamu.  ♥

The Calm

i'm soooo tired...  ALL the time...  but, for very good reason.  =) 

when you've, personally, been through so much tragedy, its extremely difficult to find pure peace.  no one that hasnt been through it will absolutely never understand.  i see women get pregnant, love or hate their entire pregnancies (i've seen both sides!  some people are so miserable), and birth their beautiful baby, never knowing what could have happened and never experiencing the loss that can bring you closer than ever to your baby.  i, sometimes, fear that.  getting too close to my baby because of the tragedies i've experienced.  i dont want to smother-love my baby because of the loss of the others.  i'm aware.  keenly aware.  i dont want to take anything away from a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

so, i'm trying to be calm.  i'm trying to not worry about every little ping and pang that happens in my belly that, before, meant contractions, starting minor and gradually getting stronger and more painful, leading to a death inside of me.  its happened twice, and both times have been painful.  and both times i was alone.  locked away from the world.  the recluse in me shines brightly in times of pain.  i was born this way.  i cant be near one other person, no matter how much i love them.  i always feel badly for THEM because they dont understand.  my mother used to try to make me talk things out and i couldnt.  thats her, not me.  i'm painfully private.  its just a natural force inside me and the force is strong.  i love the world so deeply, but i need to face certain things on my own.  it has nothing to do with love, but rather my spiritual being.  freedom within myself.

i almost passed out with alexis.  i just kept focus, i kept breathing, and i kept telling myself, "i'm a woman.  an incredibly strong woman with a high pain tolerance.  i'm designed to do this.  breathe."  so, when i have strong, sharp pains inside of me, i stand guard.  everything stops.  i cant hear anything.  i sit very still, like the air on a mid-year day in the dead of summer.  i listen to my body.  i look for exits.  i plan how to get home if i'm out.  once i know that the feeling is nothing similar to before, i breathe-easy.  touch my belly and say, "stay with me, love."

calm.  breathe deep and remain calm.  you will come to us.

* * *

songs played as write:
george michael - kissing a fool
tears for fears - head over heels
devo - whip it
the clash - rock the casbah
duran duran - dont say a prayer for me now
kool & the gang - too hot

10:45a at work.  alone.  boss sick, co-worker out.
drinking my daily tea - warm water, tumeric, cayenne, cinnamon, raw honey.  ran out of lemon and ginger.
eating an organic banana w/ cashew butter and almonds.

snow has melted.  its 39 and partly cloudy.  it was 65 earlier this wk.  crazy.  the weather is pretty mild here, overall.  but, "they say" it snows through march and april?  hm.  how are flowers supposed to grow with snow falling from the sky...  the only way to know is see for yourself.

Hi. Please, tell me third time is a charm. Its my favorite #.

(clears throat...  even though she's typing...)

we're back.

i, believe, that i'm 8wks along...  i'm not 100% positive, but i know almost exact dates...  last cycle, possible date of conception...  12/04/14.  12/09-12/14...

so, my precious love took the liberty of buying us "sticks" in bulk to test ovulation times, possible pregnancy times...  we've been using them for the last year and they've been pretty accurate.  when i felt like it was certain, i went to the store to get an OTC test - clear blue easy.  mind you, the EPT test was 44 dollar and this test was 14.  i stood there staring at the cost difference and pondering how in the hell they could be so far different. 

"how much technology could possibly be SO different in each LITTLE container?!?"  google it.  so, i did.  they said they're all basically the same.  why did i pick the cheaper one?  99.7% accuracy right there on the package. 

sold.

go through self pay line, off i go home.  wait...  i have to go to the bathroom so badly right now...  should i take the test now?  hell no!  not in a supermarket!  but, i have to go soo badly!  screw it.  i'm over being a snob, about certain things.  food?  yes.  curtains?  yes.  mauve carpet and couches?  yes.  this?  no.  i want to know because i'm too excited PLUS, i have to go to the bathroom and have been holding it forever, making it prime-time for the test results.

off i went.  bathroom empty, thank the lords.  here goes a very long three minutes...

"i cant believe i'm standing here in a public bathroom doing this.  who cares!  shut up and grow up.  i have to lay this thing flat...  i'm NOT setting it anywhere weird... how about here, on the top of the paper dispenser with a piece of toilet paper under it..."

three minutes later...

"pregnant - 1-3 weeks"

i was elated!  happiness rushed over me and i crammed everything in my purse, ran out the bathroom to my car and couldnt stop smiling.  i, absolutely, could not wait to tell my bear!