Lets get PHO'd up!

one of my all time favorite meals.  PHO!  mmmmm.  vietnamese noodle soup with rice noodles, flavored bone broth (clove star anise, coriander, fennel, cardamom, ginger, onion), Thai basil, green onions, white onions, bean sprouts, lime, fish sauce (makes everything good!), hoisin, and Thai chili sauce, and i add sriracha.   sometimes a lot.  sometimes, too much.  flaming lips.  like the rad band.  i LOVE it.  warm and spicy and fresh.  perfect!  i get it with shrimp.  these are regular shrimp, but one of my favorite places in san diego made the shrimp bbq-style.  not like saucy bbq, but they marinated them in a spicy rub sort of thing and then grilled them over a fire.  they were the best i've ever had anywhere.  such a clean, feng shiu atmosphere with super speedy vietnamese men seating, bringing water, bringing apps, refilling your water, making sure everything was okay, busing tables...  hard ass workers.  and as a team.  they ran a great business. 

i could eat this until the cows come home. 

dont ever come home, cows!  be free!

i'll just come visit you.

Tender, Last Thoughts

i've been doing some thinking...  i always have my sweet alexis parker on my mind, especially throughout this pregnancy, and i constantly want to reference her.  i've gone through so many feelings, in the last three years, that its been hard not to think about them on a constant basis.  but, as of this week, i'm feeling like i dont want to always reference her.  i seem less connected to the second one because it was early and there were weird circumstances surrounding the whole thing.  i prefer not to hurt myself with entertaining the thoughts.  alexis was different.  very different.

i'm starting to feel lighter and happier and so much more hopeful than ever, and all of this hit me as i was reading something - let it go.  at least for now. 

maybe this is my last post concerning it.  like i said, just for now.  she is in a tiny little urn and with us, always.  if i didnt know anything about what happened, i would find the urn creepy.  but, it was a gift from a very, very unsuspecting person.  [thank you, dude (mark).  i'll never forget you and all of your tattoos.]  things are different when they actually happen to you.  your coping mechanisms are variant.  my mother-in-law told me, one day, when i was crying and feeling guilt about how i was "coping" (which seemed not very well, at one point) that, "dare you not worry.  whatever you have to do to cope is what you have to do.  dont worry about what one other person thinks.  we love you."  she just always seems to know the right things to say without prying or going overboard.  she is such a valuable example in my life.  i havent talked to one person about ALL of my feelings, yet they seem to flow like white water rapids here, in this space.  and believe it or not, i hold back quite a bit.  it reminds me how personal i truly am, but give me a writing platform and i blossom, more than i would have, otherwise.  i say blossom because i hate harboring my feelings so deep inside and not having anyone to trust enough to talk to.  so, releasing them, decompresses my soul, and i blossom.  but, some things are for me only.

so, in the meantime, i must be respectful of my newest, beautiful life coming to fruition, leave the past to rest in all of its peace and be thankful of its lessons - no matter how difficult, and love and trust today. 

and today, i feel free and full of love!  ♥

Wk 14

We're in week 14 today!  Here is our progress.  =)  I wish that I could see you every single day.  But, ultrasounds are bad for you, so we will probably only have three, total.  I'll have the 2nd one at 20 wks so that we can determine your sex!  I cant wait!!!

I was talking to your grandma C yesterday and she called you a "he" and said, "oh!  that just slipped!"  I've been calling you a he just out of pure convenience of not calling you a million other random things and to avoid "it."  haha.  We'll know soon enough!  And, I've heard of people planning for what they THINK is the determined sex, but getting a big surprise at birth.  That would be crazy.  They're pretty accurate, though.  I'm getting blood work done in a couple weeks and they can test your DNA.  Its pretty amazing.  We MAY be able to determine your sex then...  We shall see.

In the meantime, you made me sick this morning.  And yesterday morning.  And I've been nauseous, off and on, since wk 11...  And I couldnt be happier!  Make me sick all you want!  I cant wait to smother you in love!!!  XOXO

Wk 13

I forgot to post these.  I've been meaning to, so that I can track your progress, but kept forgetting!  I'm on it, now.  We just ended wk 13 and are in 14.  Lucky number 13 has a been a VERY sick wk for me.  Nauseous every day.  You're getting LOADS of raw ginger.  Hopefully, 14 is better.  But, I dont really care if not.  ;)

Purple Haze

So, this totes-mcGotes happened... So much for healthy, GMO free, yada yada yada...   Haha.

The truth is that I try to keep my healthy eating to majority levels.  This has ZERO nutritional value for me and my baby.  Wheat cakes topped with sugar stuff.  Even the bacon has nitrates and nitrites.  BUT, I refuse to consider this "cheating" since 1) I don't like feeling guilty, and 2) shouldn't since I'm good enough to myself, on a usual basis.  I try to keep things 80/20.  80 good, 20 whatever.  And when I say "whatever," I mean chili cheese dogs, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, dairy queen blizzards, rootbeer floats, Coke in a can...  You know, all of the things that make people obese and create cancer and health issues?  Delicious.  But, then, I detox on green drinks made of cilantro, spinach, spirulina, etc., etc  Its quite a dance.  I think of it as food for the soul.  You just NEED it sometimes.  I'm sure Buddha never said that...  Ha.

Blueberry mascarpone lemon cream strudel thingamajigger with crunchy things on top.

I'm CERTAIN the baby was dancing, just like me. I think I still have some...

Leftovers!

I Will Carry You Everywhere

so, this little ditty is a called a baby wrap.  women in africa and many, many other countries have been carrying and wrapping their babies for centuries.  i love the concept.  my baby close to me while i do things?  you bet!

i started researching baby carrying with my first pregnancy.  i was fascinated at the idea of actually wearing my baby as opposed to leaving it sit in a carrier, or some other device, all the time.  the more i researched, the more i learned.  there were studies stating how leaving a baby on its back all of the time isnt the healthiest for the baby.  carrying the baby helps mom and baby bond, and, of course, its convenient.  gardening?  throw the baby on your back!  going to the zoo?  throw the baby on your back and give them a great view of the world!  plus, they can be absolutely gorgeous.  the fabric.  so.  gorgeous.  wait until i tell you about the "cult" of baby wearers.  wow...  anyway, for now ~

i was living at the beach when i came across the girasols.  they are 100% cotton (very important to me - no synthetic materials on my baby - skin is our biggest organ and needs to breathe) and handwoven by the wonderful women in guatemala.

this is straight from their site:  "Only pure untreated cotton that has neither been pre-bleached or chemically finished is used. We do not use formaldehyde, halogen-organic compounds, aromatic amines or brighteners. And our fabrics are not treated subsequently with chemicals or finishes.  Girasol's select weavers are masters of a very difficult and ancient skill called diagonal weaving. A high-quality baby carrier produced with this method of weaving will always adapt elastically and never stretch out of shape. The hems have been doubled to prevent the edges from causing any unpleasant pressure."

whats not to love?  sold!

i perused the collections and clicked on what i wanted.  easy, right?  NO.  "sold out.  next wrap released in july."  july?  its december!  i have to wait six months for a wrap?  i had to be put on a waiting list!  so, this isnt like amazon where i just click and buy?  nope.  the serious baby wrap makers make only a select few and then release them on a certain month.  only if you've signed up WAY ahead of time are you qualified to get their one-of-a-kind wraps for yourself.  um, okay, so what now?  i had to email the company, tell them that i'm interested, and see what wrap they would be releasing next.  CRAZY.  would i even like it?  i'm kind of a picky bear...  i know what i like and i get stubborn.  so, the kind lady e-mailed me that the next release would be "tropical sunset" made of beautiful sherbet oranges, lemon yellow sunshine, and turquoise blue.  fine, great, i was thinking more of some cool black and white artsy pattern, but that sounds delightful.  i live in san diego, so it kind of works.  sign me up!

but, then... reality.  my second trimester mc...  i was crushed.  do i cancel?  what if i never have a baby?  what if i CANT.  what if my husband leaves me for someone else to make a family because i cant and i NEVER have a baby?  its shocking the things that you go through, mentally, when something like this happens to you.  you feel shitty about yourself and what your life is going to become.  you dream about your life.  and you KNOW that things arent going to work out exactly like you dream, but you never imagine that the big things wont work out for you - ie:  having a child.  my husband comforted me like no other.  he promised that even if we never had a child, we would always have each other.  and no college or child bills!  haha.  =)  it made me feel better, but i knew that deep down, he was struggling with everything, too.  and it hurts.  you feel helpless.  will your life fall apart?  but, you just hope for another day to be merciful to you.  another day to hug each other and be our most faithful when it counts the most.  when you know that you do all of the right things in life - you're a good person, you're a faithful to everyone in your life, you're open to learning the truths about life - it makes tragedy a downright bitch.  i learned a lot about people during this journey.  A LOT.  how people handle problems, who your friends are, who its also happened to, how your family responds...  and i'm proud of everyone in my life.  most everyone, anyway.

i decided to say fuck it.  pardon my frankness, but thats what i said.  if i never have a baby, at least i'll have a kickass beach blanket.

when i finally received it late july, i was elated.  it was beautiful.  and handmade 7/15/13, just two days after our baby girl was supposed to be born.  it sat in my linen closet, moved to CO with me, and sat in another linen closet until last night.  

its time!  i'm finally hopeful, and i feel happy. 

now, i just have to learn how to use it.
 

  

oakley, always curious.  maybe i'll wrap him like a baby!  maybe not.  he'll scratch me to death.  Senor Sticky Pants - his nickname because his nails are so long and stick to EVERYTHING.

this is probably how i'll wrap - seems easiest (then, you just pull the cloth over the babies bum):

 

 pics of moms  =)

 

i had a dress that reminds me of the one she is wearing...  i loved it.  so colorful and detailed...  and i love the babies hat.  precious.

  

Rearview Mirror Glimpse

this was a picture that i took on the way back from my very first appointment.  i was so happy because i heard your heartbeat, the sun was shining and melting everything, and when i looked in my rearview mirror, the mountains looked gorgeous.  this pic isnt, at all, a real reflection of what i saw with my own eyes - its a low quality photo - but, it reminds me of how happy i was that day. 

i take rearview pics a lot.  i got used to it in CA because the sunsets were always blazing in my inner rearview mirror  and outter mirrors.  it was nearly impossible NOT to.  i used to have ocean sunsets.  now, i have snowy mountains.  what's next?