Tender, Last Thoughts

i've been doing some thinking...  i always have my sweet alexis parker on my mind, especially throughout this pregnancy, and i constantly want to reference her.  i've gone through so many feelings, in the last three years, that its been hard not to think about them on a constant basis.  but, as of this week, i'm feeling like i dont want to always reference her.  i seem less connected to the second one because it was early and there were weird circumstances surrounding the whole thing.  i prefer not to hurt myself with entertaining the thoughts.  alexis was different.  very different.

i'm starting to feel lighter and happier and so much more hopeful than ever, and all of this hit me as i was reading something - let it go.  at least for now. 

maybe this is my last post concerning it.  like i said, just for now.  she is in a tiny little urn and with us, always.  if i didnt know anything about what happened, i would find the urn creepy.  but, it was a gift from a very, very unsuspecting person.  [thank you, dude (mark).  i'll never forget you and all of your tattoos.]  things are different when they actually happen to you.  your coping mechanisms are variant.  my mother-in-law told me, one day, when i was crying and feeling guilt about how i was "coping" (which seemed not very well, at one point) that, "dare you not worry.  whatever you have to do to cope is what you have to do.  dont worry about what one other person thinks.  we love you."  she just always seems to know the right things to say without prying or going overboard.  she is such a valuable example in my life.  i havent talked to one person about ALL of my feelings, yet they seem to flow like white water rapids here, in this space.  and believe it or not, i hold back quite a bit.  it reminds me how personal i truly am, but give me a writing platform and i blossom, more than i would have, otherwise.  i say blossom because i hate harboring my feelings so deep inside and not having anyone to trust enough to talk to.  so, releasing them, decompresses my soul, and i blossom.  but, some things are for me only.

so, in the meantime, i must be respectful of my newest, beautiful life coming to fruition, leave the past to rest in all of its peace and be thankful of its lessons - no matter how difficult, and love and trust today. 

and today, i feel free and full of love!  ♥