...they keep calling you an alien...

~ HERE YOU ARE ~

Week 21

this is the best she could do with our last ultrasound.  i got so emotional that i forgot to video it like i had wanted to, damnit!  but, you were active and moving all around.

this is a right profile of your head and chest.  

you can see your whole head, forehead, nose, and mouth.

you kept putting your hands to your mouth - 

maybe trying to suck your thumb?  we werent sure.  

eating your hands.  ;) 

this one is hard to make out (even for me, and i was there), but the arrow is your boy parts, confirming, absolutely, your sex.  i cant tell you how important this felt for me.  the reason is that, it omitted the possibility of you possibly being a girl and having Turners Syndrome.  its not really for you to understand, and i will never expect it, but it was a moment for me, on a very personal level.

the nurse used arrows and wrote, "i'm a boy!!!"  =)

this was a final and very thorough ultrasound, so she spent a lot of time checking you out.  measuring your arms, legs, skull, and spine to ensure you're at the correct size for your age and that all systems are fully developed.  everything was black and white, but you were moving around and it was incredible to see you so big and with full movement.  you even fully stretched, at one point, and had your feet on my bladder.  haha.  i had to use the restroom a lot, this day.  that must be why.  your dad said you looked like a frog because your legs were "leaping" up and down.  then, he said, "f yo couch!"  ha!  inside joke for dave chappelle fans only.  ;)  i feel you so often now.  i cant even put into words how i feel, so i wont try.  some feelings are to be left pure, not stated.

all that i know is that i love you so much, already.  i'm sitting here listening to pink floyd and getting chills and feeling teary eyed and texting with your dad.  these are the goods in life.  these feelings, right here.  nothing else matters...  not the problems of the world, not monetary issues, not the worries i have about providing...  but, these real and genuine feelings for something outside of yourself and the different types of love you can feel. 

its magical. 

thank you, ryder jameson.  its what we'll call you, for now. 

thank you. 

shine on, you crazy diamond. 

alt 3. 

♥

Wk 21

week 21 and today, 4/24, is the day!  our very last ultrasound until we actually see your little self!  your dad heard your heart on monday, so today is the day he (we) SEE you!  we know you're a boy, from my blood test, so, now, visual confirmation to solidify that and ensure you're growing properly and all systems are in place.  *peaceful sigh*

Your Lunatic Mothers Reminder

i have tendencies to drive your dad crazy with my worries of parenthood...  so, this, very much speaks to me!  i'll keep it in mind!  promise.  i have a VERY wild imagination and harbor very unconventional thoughts, so i have to wrangle them in, from time to time.  xo

4/20...dude.

okay, so i'm lagging.  i havent felt like writing, lately, due to being pretty tired, so we're doing a one-day-shot of several days. 

wk 20 was a big week for both your dad and me.  monday, 4/20, he got to hear your heartbeat and, technically, meet you for the first time.  you were at 150 beats per minute and our nurse picked up your beat immediately.  i always get to so tickled to hear you because it means things are going, at least somewhat, right.  not to be odd, but i've worried about having a lifeless body inside me without knowing...  its horrible, but i'm honest about my myriad of feelings.  NONE OF THAT.   not only did we hear you, but we heard my heart beating in, almost, unison of mine.  my body creating you makes me want to make the wisest of choices through diet.  instead of eating that fried chicken, i find myself making a green drink in the blender, instead.  nutrients.  you need them.  and i care.

something else cool about today, being april 20th, was that i was 20wks 4 days!  pretty cool!  20/4 on 4/20!  i dont smoke the delightful herbs of our nature, but i DO live in CO.  4/20 is, practically, a holiday for mary janers.  so, while we were celebrating you, the state was celebrating its freedom of medicine, which i fully condone.  dont get me started, either...  it drives me up the wall at the close-minded stigma of marijuana.  our country will feed highly addicting narcotics to people like they're candy and then ruin their lives, but smoke some flowers to relieve your pain and ease your terminally ill childs nausea???  HOW DARE YOU.  its bs and the gov' knows it.  money has been the driving force of its ban, but our state is the very first to legalize it and its working out pretty well.  crime is down, money is flowing, and minds are getting wiser (well, some minds....).  its still federally illegal, but other states are looking at the same things.  good luck to them.  granted, you will always have people that dont have sense, with which to begin, and ruin it for themselves and have gov't push back, but we need to look at the big picture and regulate responsibly, regardless of the bad apples.  i firmly believe that regulation is the key to such issues.  i'm VERY open minded, have done my share of legal and illegal things and have a strong sense of how things work.  the key to life is balance.  period.  find the center of things and you will usually find peace and order.  things of this nature are going to be a touchy subject with you since there have been some family issues, but we'll figure it out.  your dad and i have seen a lot, hence, know a lot.  we'll ensure your full comprehension on such issues.  we'll keep you busy enough to not go down junkie lane.  bul-ee-dat.

Little Bug

this is Leilani, of whom you will meet very soon.

ron ron, little bear, lani bear, lani bug, lan, weedow, lan bon little bon, baby gur, pumpkin head, sweetstuff, munchkin face...  and believe it or not, she RESPONDS to most of them! 

i saved her from being sent to a shelter as a 6 month old kitten (friends had a change of heart after getting her *eye roll*), so we took her in, as a test, to see if she would be okay with us...  uuum, yeeaah, i would never give up an animal unless i HAD to, sooo....  i sort of KNEW she would be ours, BUT figured if she completely disrupted the house, like a fool, THEN find her a home (never a shelter!  80% of animals taken there get euthanized.  its sad.).  BUT, she was ours, instantly.  she is absolutely hilarious, vocal, sweet, very UNattention needy (which i love - she's harmonious, not "attachy"), she's slightly overweight (18lbs!) due to her breed (typical for domestic shorthairs), but as long as she stays healthy and doesnt gain any more, i will continue to LOVE this trait of hers.  we have a skinny cat, oakley, and as much as i love him to death, he's... gross?... to pick up.  maybe not gross, but hard?  unpleasant?  he's pure skin and bones!  he wasnt always this way!  i worry that i will crack him.  haha.  lani, on the other hand, is a little munchkin.  super soft, squishy, a round nugget of sweetness.  she's just...cozy... and i LOVE LOVE LOVE that in cats.  i've had three cats like this and i've loved them all the same.  james was my soul kitty and got lost in the streets of ramona, ca, but lani is very similar to him.  she's not as loveable and carefree (nothing is like he was *sniff sniff*, and nothing ever will be...), but i think its because she was a bit abused as a kitten.  she lived with a 5 year old that had no parental guidance of how to treat an animal.  i witnessed, with my own eyes, her being bashed in the head with a plastic light saber and the parents not doing much other than saying, "hey, dont do that."  i stepped in and was a bit more adamant...

"J, would you like it if you were hit in the head with something hard?"

"No."

"Well, the kitten doesnt like it either.  It hurts, and with her being so small, it could permanently damage her and we never want that.  Treat her with love and pet her softly, but NEVER hit her.  She'll love you back for it."

"Okay." Child moves on while hitting the walls with his light saber and yelling some sort of gibberish.

ug.  really?  i have to be the parent to your child in your own home?  i dont believe in abuse.  i barely believe in hitting.  its a damaging practice for ignorant people that have no words to use, but i have not one ounce of tolerance for animal abuse and wanted to set the child on fire and throw him out of a tall window while shouting, "FOUR," to the people below, shutting the window and then asking whats for dinner.

okay, so maybe my imagination runs a little wild sometimes, but i love animals.

anyway, i will teach you to love her.  i will teach you to feed her everyday.  i will teach you to respect her.  no bothering her while sleeping, no pulling her tail, etc.  animals can provided a plethora of knowledge about the respect of life to children.  she's pretty young, so she'll be around for awhile. 

my little bear.

"mom put this here so that i can hang out with her while in the kitchen and lick my toes!  yay bags!"

Wk 20

okay, slow down, please!  how on earth are you 20 weeks!?  didnt we just find out that you were coming to fruition???  well, you've been pretty easy peasy, considering i just talked to one of our friends last night whose wife is also pregnant (one month later than us) and full on psychotic.  he was sitting three blocks down the street from his home, in his car, just to avoid her...  yikes!  first of all, your dad and i have our issues, but we're both generally sane.  generally.  ;)  i always hear such severe horror stories of people losing their minds during pregnancy.  unless mine will come later, i think i'm doing okay.  i feel very balanced, actually.  i've always had the ability to find peace even in the most chaotic of times.  i seek buddhism, often, to center me.  even though i'm agnostic, i have a very strong spiritual connection to things.  buddhism calms me every time.  i have a few relics around the house - specifically, a hand carved, wooden buddha.  its huge and i love it.  i've always wanted to have a small shrine, of sorts, to hang it and then have beautiful and important things around it and below it.  we'll be finding a home in the next year, so that is a plan of mine.  i want to be able to kneel and chat...  anyway, i think that i've been feeling you which tickles the heck out of me, literally and figuratively!  its unreal.  i push back.  gently.  i hope you dont mind.  haha.

Last Day of the First Half!

today is the last day of the whole first half of our pregnancy.  i cant believe it!  and while its exciting, overall (i mean, words elude me...  i'm elated and excited and think of you CONSTANTLY), its a bit of a rough week.  we've had some things to think about this week.  some things with your father (that we'll figure out, as always), but, also, today marks the anniversary that your dads biological mother passed.  while her children werent close to her, due to various reasons, she was close with her mother and sister.  they both always remained by her side during all of her darkest and hardest days, right up until her passing.  i think of her often and sometimes talk to her aloud, and i always reach out to grandma C and auntie and tell them how i'm thinking of them and love them on this day and her birthday.  its your grandma C's heartache that i think about the most.  she's such a joyful, honorable, clean-living woman, that seeing her have to endure whats happened to her daughters is a hard pill to swallow.  she's a woman that makes sound decisions in life while still having fun, so i give her as much love as i can because she's an angel to me and she deserves a few more things than she's gotten in life.  but, with all of the loss that we have in life, it helps us connect to things on a deeper level.  that's been my own experience, anyway.  for me, it made me grow up quicker and examine life with a mature vision.  i learned to understand, cherish, and truly empathize with others.  you'll certainly experience loss in your life and it can be difficult, yes - you dont want to take away from your genuine feelings built or otherwise, but i never want you to fear it or find it awkward.  it may be a process, but we must land, wholeheartedly, in the peace of it.  we never know when our time is up, and things happen to people in so many unknowing and various ways - even questionable and downright odd - but, as strange as life can be, its also beautiful. 

sometimes, we must only celebrate in the good energy, no matter how small.