150 Beats, Yo!

i heard you again, today!  150 beats per minute and feisty, as usual.  we always hear your heartbeat, right off the bat, but, then, as soon as you feel the doppler, OFF you go, moving around it!  the nurses always laugh, and today, she said its because its a tad unusual for the baby to move so much with just a little pressure.  you do it every time.  its so funny how feelings work so organically.  i just lie there, waiting to hear something, staring at the ceiling, no emotions whatsoever....  then, BAM.  i hear you.  and guess what happens?  i smile.  HUGE.  and i cant stop.  its that genuine, top of the line, loving feeling that puts you over the, proverbial, moon, and its absolutely beautiful.  my eyes well up with tears and i get chills.  i cant wait to tell your father you're there and healthy.  thank you.  thank you for giving me that feeling that has never happened to me before and can never be replaced.  i want you here with me more than anything in the world, right now, but you know what?  i'm stronger than ever, at this very moment.  i've learned, through loss, to accept my fate.  if anything happens to you, i'll make it.  i'll go through what i'm supposed to, but i'll make it.  i can be okay.  i've learned so much about myself.  that being said, you BETTER make my fate the best ever! 

i was driving home and looking around at all of the people...  everyone has had a child, everyone has BEEN a child.  a baby.  does everyone have THIS feeling that i have right now?  the pregnant mothers, expecting fathers and families?  how wonderful.  i started appreciating the things that life gives you.  just simple FEELINGS.  the tingles that i've gotten, the smiles that have never been forced.  and i know most of it is just who we are.  our own brains making us have these feelings, but if thats the case, i'm happy for my brain.  to think that i can genuinely feel all of these positive, happy, and real feelings means, to me, that i'm healthy.  i'm, somehow, an optimist.  and i say "somehow" because not everyone is.  i see it.  i feel other peoples angst.  literally, feel.  i can read people without them saying a word.  and i've been through a lot of garbage in my life, but creating who i've wanted to be has been pretty incredible, considering the roads that could have been taken.  i guess i'm kind of proud of myself for having the mind-set to want to be a certain person and then truly trying to be it.  i'm glad that i can smile.  i'm proud to see the good in things, no matter how bad.  i'm elated that i look at the earth with copious amounts of gratitude and treat all flora and fauna with love.  i could live and dance with every animal thats ever existed (they wouldnt let me, but you get the idea).  i have a husband that loves me and WANTS to be with me.  i feel grateful, right now.  today, right this moment.

thank you for the gift of now.

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music:  john lennon - woman
weather:  WTH?  rain mixed with snow.  !  i thought spring was here.  oh, CO, you so cray cray.
breakfast:  tea, granny smith apple with almond, honey, flax, blueberry butter.
lunch:  cauliflower and kale cooked in coconut milk.  black beans with potato, carrot, onion, and squash.  banana, grapefruit, and mango salad.
dinner:  ???  nachos?  those are good for babies, right?  *eye roll*  so bad.  at least they'll be made with organic corn chips, grass-fed beef, organic cheese, grass-fed sour cream, jalapenos, and salsa.  oh, and heirloom tomatoes.  which i LOVE.  i'm a big tomato fan.  not the industrial ones that taste like fish, but vine ripened, delicious tomatoes!  any kind, really.  there are so many from which to choose.  most stores dont carry much variety.  like all food...  that's why i love specialty markets.  people that love and appreciate good food in all of its variety!  the tomatoes are the only "healthy" thing here...  maybe a little bit of the beef for its protein.  i think its 15% lean.  not bad.  oh well.  we'll count it in the "20%-whatever" category.  word?  word.